Closer to Me.

Your 2012 theme

2012-01-01T22:05:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year!

It's hard to believe 2011 is over already, it was a whirlwind!

I had lots of highlights in 2011, giving birth to Dexter in October tops the charts. Finding out in January that I was pregnant was also a high point, after having a miscarriage the previous October. I loved watching Lily grow into an independent, fierce little girl with a sweet nature and hilarious mind. In fact today, her little conversation went like this:

Lily - "Mommy I see your bum crack" (as she pokes her finger down my pants)
Lily - "Daddy, touch Mommy's bum crack!"
Daddy - "why?"
Lily - "she likes it!" Seriously, the fun around here never ends.

Also this year I raised $2,500 for cancer in June at the Fundraiser I do in honour of my Mom (with the much appreciated help of 30 amazing women!)

I'm such a resolution freak. I make new year resolutions, weekly resolutions, monthly resolutions, daily resolutions (not every day though). I don't like feeling stagnant. I don't like feeling unproductive. Goals and dreams keep me going, they give me something to strive for and keep me feeling useful. I thought that for the upcoming year I would like to not just make resolutions, but to adapt a theme for the year. I read in an Oxygen magazine a couple months ago the mantra "if you want it, prove it." and it was so powerful for me in terms of fitness. I have that saying on my vision board and anytime I don't feel like working out, I say it, and it powers me enough to get started. Why not adapt this to other areas of my life as well?

I have a softer personality. I tend to be quiet and hold in my thoughts. I tend to question myself and feel "not good enough." I wait for things. I am a planner and should probably act as much as I plan. I recently turned 31 and I am tired of waiting for things to happen. If I want something, I have to get out there and prove it to myself. In the past, my actions have reflected my hesitation. The final product reflects my belief - that I don't deserve it. I end up not getting what I say I really want, because a large part of me feels not worthy of whatever it is. I'm tired of this cycle. This year is one about getting what I want.

What else do I want?

- to be healthier and stronger than I ever have been
- to focus on my career more when my maternity leave is up
- to do more for other people in terms of fund raising and volunteering
- to stop wasting time - I can sleep a bit less, watch a bit less t.v. and manage my time more effectively which will give me more time to.....
- live with passion, doing things I am passionate about as much as I can such as....
- yoga! I want to expand my yoga practice - to do more and learn more
- do at least one thing to push me outside my comfort zone each month. An example of this is the Warrior Dash that Jeff and I will be doing in July (seriously, how fun does this look??)

And of course I also want to focus on being a good Mom to my kids and experiencing new things with them, enjoying every second I am able to be in their presence.

I feel that 2012 is a year of new beginnings, new passions, deepening friendships, new adventures, and a stronger sense of self.

If you could pick a theme for this year, what would it be?

Different is GOOD!

2011-12-03T15:19:00.001-05:00

Hi guys!

We had an eye appointment this afternoon for Lily, who is two and a half. It was a follow up appointment as the optometrist suspected Lily was farsighted and wanted us to come in today for the dreaded drops so she could have a better look at her eyes. To make a long story short, Lily needs to wear glasses full time. She picked out a cute pink pair (really the only pair that would fit her tiny face) and she was smiling ear to ear, she thought they were pretty cool. I'm glad she likes them, though my immediate reaction upon hearing the news was sadness.

Everyone wants their child to be perfect, which is silly because the term "perfect" shouldn't even exist since it's something based on social expectations and characteristics which are objective and ever changing. Regardless, I don't want anything to ever be "wrong" with our children and to know that her sight isn't so good, well, it upsets me. And as my husband Jeff pointed out, we don't want any extra challenges for our child, and definitely not something that will make her stand out and possibly be a target for teasing from other children. That got me thinking.

One of my biggest fears with Lily growing up is being bullied. I've read the stories about young kids committing suicide after being bullied for a period of time. I encountered some bullies in my younger years too and it doesn't take long before the taunting takes a toll on your sense of self worth, and every day functioning. I don't ever want my child to question her value in this world based on nonsense that comes out of someone elses mouth. The thought alone just hurts my heart.

Lily will be different as I have seen very few children her age wearing glasses. I don't want her to be different. I don't want other kids to look at her funny, or ask her why she has glasses on. I don't want her question why she's different or start to be self conscious of her difference. I asked the doctor if correcting a child's vision at such an early age means that her vision will get better as she ages....turns out that's not the case, the chances are she will wear some sort of corrective device the rest of her life.

I've had a couple hours to process the information and have reached a couple conclusions.

1. There are so many terrible things we could be dealing with right now when it comes to Lily's health. Having eyes that don't function perfectly really isn't a huge deal. She has her health and for that, I am truly grateful. It really is about perspective and I am glad I am not having to face worse news.

2. This difference is actually a wonderful opportunity for us to teach Lily valuable life lessons. Being different isn't a bad thing, in fact, it's a great thing. I don't know why I forget that at times and certainly don't want Lily to WANT to be the same as everyone else. We can teach her how to appreciate not just her own differences, but the differences in other people as well. We can teach her about tolerance and treating others equally regardless of what stands them apart from others. We can teach her how to deal with negativity (assuming this happens at some point) or how to handle teasing (again, assuming this happens). I think if done correctly and in a positive manner, she can learn a lot from this. And as it turns out, so can I. Clearly I have a lot more to learn from this experience than she does.

I know for me, I have grown the most and developed the most strength during difficult times. The opportunity for learning and growth occurs when a challenge is faced and I think we have been given a gift to now talk to Lily and take advantage of this to teach her and guide her. I guess that's parenting in a nutshell isn't it?

If you have any suggestions for books on differences, I would love to hear them. I know of Chrysanthemum (such a cute one!), but if you have any others in mind, please let me know!

Success

2011-12-02T22:11:00.001-05:00

Hi everyone,

Things over here are busy. Dexter has been sleeping less during the day already, and when he does, he sleeps for short periods of time. He no longer likes being downstairs while I work out, and tonight my shower was about 3 minutes long. I was a bit miserable last night as I only got in a very short interval workout, my tea got cold before I could drink it, I had to get out of my nice hot bath early to tend to my screaming toddler... and so on. I chose to be a Mom, I know that at times (often!) I come last, and while I wouldn't have it any other way, sometimes I would love to be on my own schedule or to be able to do things without interruption.

I hate working out at night, absolutely hate it. Lily finally gets settled around 9:00 these days (bed time is such a nightmare right now), and I typically go to bed at 10:00. I don't want to spend that hour working out, I want to spend it sipping my herbal tea and watching mindless television while scouring the internet for random stuff. I've been trying hard to figure out a way I can work out the amount I want to during a time that works for everyone. I was feeling defeated and assuming I'd just have to cut out some days from my workouts. Then my mantra passed through my head "if you want it, prove it." I want it.

I ordered a dip bar, which came in today, very excited about that. I tried it out and decided I'm going to love it. It's a staple in a lot of the Body Rock workouts, which are 10-20 minutes in length typically, so that's an option I'm going to take advantage of when I know my time is limited. I get out Monday nights for hot yoga and my mother in law has been watching Dexter Friday afternoons so I can get to boot camp. I'm going to write out a schedule each week for specific times I can either get to the gym or work out downstairs. Jeff started the P90X program a few months ago, which I do a lot of as well. The bonus is that our basement now has a lot of useful equipment in it - pull up bars, push up bars, stability ball, resistance bands, and lots of weights.

Part of being successful is in setting up your environment to align with your wants. I want to be active and to shape my body so I am trying to set my life up right now to coincide with that desire. If I am surrounded by opportunities to work out and spend time with people who want the same thing, I am more likely to succeed. How can you set your life up in a way that promotes success?

I set up a Facebook page to discuss clean eating and fitness. I don't think this blog is the best place for that, this blog is for something else, though I'm not sure what! It's for life lessons I guess. My advice, tidbits of inspiration, and random musings on things important to me.

So if you'd like to come visit me there, it's under "Rachel's Fitness and Clean Eating Journey." I weigh in tomorrow and take my second set of progress photos. Perhaps I'll be brave enough to post week 1 and week 4. I must admit, week 1 was pretty frightening!

I'm off to bed now, I have a little man who is bugging me to go! Good night and good luck in all that you do!

Making a change

2011-11-28T09:16:00.001-05:00

Hi guys!

I read an article this morning about an eight year old child who has a disease called NF which more or less means his body inevitably grows tumors on a regular basis. The article was written by his Mom, and the central theme seemed to be the changes that were made in their lives as a result of his diagnosis. She briefly talks about the new raw diet they have adapted, and other changes in their nutrition.

This morning I was looking through some things and came across a notebook my Mom kept to write quotes in. At the end of the quotes, she has four pages containing supplement information. The first page looks like this:

Tues. June 1
1200 Vit. C
99 Potassium
1 tablet Gymnema
10,000 Vit. A
1,000 Vit. D
1,000 Betaine
2 tablespoons Calcium
Banana
----------------------------
cottage cheese
1,200 Vit. C
99 Potassium
1 tablet Gymnema
10,000 Vit. A
1,000 Vit. D
1,000 Betaine
2 tablespoons Calcium
1,000 B12

This was written 24 days before she passed away. She only had 2 days worth of entries, but as you can see, they are extensive. June 1st continues on the next page. This makes me wonder two things:

Why did her entries stop? I don't think she received official diagnosis that she had cancer until about June 11th. Maybe she received the diagnosis and then gave up hope?

It also makes me think that she consulted someone to improve her health and this is the regiment she was given. That means she wanted to fight. She wanted to be healthier and to feel better. She wanted to live.

For the little boy in the article, his family waited for a devastating diagnosis before changing their lifestyle for the better. For my Mom, it was a little too late to make the changes necessary to not only be healthy, but to live.

So I ask you this: why wait before taking care of YOU? We like to walk around thinking we're untouchable from disease and death. We look at the statistics and think our chances of dodging a terminal illness are pretty good.

Our bodies are the vehicles which carry us through this life. We fuel our bodies with crap and expect them to somehow function efficiently. We get sick or gain weight and look for the quick fix because we're too lazy to put in the effort needed to change long term. I am tired of hearing people complain about their various ailments - fatigue, aches, excess weight - while feeding themselves sugar, processed crap, nothing that their bodies can use for any purpose.

I'm tired of hearing "I wish..." or "I'm jealous of.." or "I want..." - if you want something badly enough, you can achieve it. If you admire something about someone else, you too, can obtain the same quality, you just have to work for it. If you have a dream, surround yourself with that vision and align the rest of your life accordingly to ensure you get there.

It all starts with a single step. What are you no longer willing to tolerate in your life when it comes to health? What is one small step you can take NOW to better your health? Maybe it's incorporating a "no meat Monday" or drinking more water, cutting back on processed foods, drinking one less pop a week, remembering to take your multivitamin. Where can you improve?

I'll admit, I've gone full tilt. It's been three weeks of making drastic changes and I can honestly say I feel amazing, and this is my validation that what I'm doing is working for ME. My body has given me positive feedback and I will continue along with these changes, and looking for others I can incorporate into my life. Here are some of the things I have changed:

- I drink more water, and actually start my day with a big glass of water with fresh squeezed lemon juice
- I eat nothing white - no white pasta, white sugar, white bread
- I eat nothing processed - no more granola bars, no cookies, no crackers - UNLESS the nutritional label is good, which usually is not the case
- I don't drink pop
- I eat every 2 1/2 to 3 hours to keep up my metabolism
- I add fiber to my breakfast every morning
- I combine complex carbs with protein every time I eat (snacks too)
- I eat GREEN veggies every single day, usually twice a day
- I limit the amount of carbs I get from grains
- I eat healthy fat every day, usually 1-2 servings

I still have a lot to learn when it comes to nutrition and what my body requires on a daily basis, but I'm happy with the changes I have made so far. I'm not saying I'm going to follow these changes 100% of the time, though I have so far. Maybe I'll have a pop again, but for now I am trying to listen to my body and appreciate it for the strength and health it gives me back when I feed it wholesome, nutritious foods.

What are you willing to change right now? I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Recreating Memories

2011-11-26T21:31:00.001-05:00

I can't believe it's almost December! Where do the days go? Well, I know where my days go - chasing around a rambunctious two year old and snuggling a super cute five week old. Is there a better way to spend my time? As Christmas is drawing near, I feel like my emotions are being pulled in two very different directions. On one hand I am ridiculously excited to watch it all through Lily's eyes. I can't wait to see her open her gifts and watch her relish in the magic of Santa. She's old enough now to understand most things, and there are so many ways I want to celebrate this holiday, I want it to last all year long! On the other spectrum, the holidays always bring about some degree of sadness for me for the obvious hole my Mom has left behind, which always seems more prominent this time of year. So last weekend I decided it was time to put our Christmas tree up. I put one up last year for the first time since my Mom died, and of course now it will be put up every year for our kids to enjoy. I put the Christmas music on t.v., and dragged the 10 foot tall monstrosity up from the basement (with Jeff's help!) I also brought up our huge bin full of ornaments - nothing matching or themed, but a bunch of random ones that have been collected over the years - aren't those the best ones? They have stories and trigger memories when we look at them. During Lily's nap I took each of them out of their box and lay them on the table so she could see them. I put the three pieces of the tree together and waited for her to get up to really let the fun begin. She eventually woke up and I was ecstatic to begin. The Christmas music was playing, I was dancing around singing, and guided Lily over to the table to see everything. What a wonderful experience this would be!Cue some Grinch tunes and a vision of the Griswald's living room - everything after this point just fell apart. Lily screamed and cried for me to turn the music off so she could watch t.v., the lights were tangled which took me forever to untangle, a set of lights wasn't working (after working when I started the process), Lily broke one of Jeff's ornaments, so I talked to her about being gentle, only to turn my back and have her smash a glass (of course) ornament on our table to pieces. She was angry for getting into trouble, and I was ready to rip my hair out. After cleaning up the water from the globe ornament and vacuuming up the mess, I got back to it, trying to redirect Lily into helping me hang ornaments. She said "no" and instead tried pulling them all off the tree. She was angry and kept telling me she didn't want the tree. Jeff was puttering around, then sat down to play with his iPad, and here I was, standing at the tree with tears in my eyes, full of anger, irritation, disappointment and sorrow. Grief. I missed my Mom.When she was here, decorating the tree was our thing, which is why it took me 5 years after her death to put a tree up again, it hurt me too much to do it alone. We would put on the Christmas music, sing and dance around, and took our time hanging the ornaments up. One year we did an angel tree, full of handmade ornaments we had made together. Another year we did a teddy bear tree, with bears of various sizes and colors that we had bought. We loved our tradition, and while I would roll my eyes at her choice of Bing Crosby, secretly I loved it all, every single detail.My mistake I realized after last weekend was in trying to recreate something that never can be recreated. I can't go back to those feelings I had with her, because nobody else has her spirit. I can't share those moments with my Mom, and nobody else will do the things she did or say the things she said. I expected this year to be the same it was with her and it wasn't. It wasn't anyone elses fault but my own. My expectations got the better of me and in the end I was an emotional, bitter, angry, miserable bitch all day. And instead of being a memorable experience, it sucked for all of us, and the whole thing made me really yearn for my Mom again. All in all, epic failure. I realize now how important this lesson was. Sometimes we need time and distance from a painful moment to see the value of it. I learned that we can't recreate what has already passed. We can't go back and feel the same emotions. I have friends in my life whom I have been friends with for a long time. At one time we were really close, but after time and differing experiences, I know I can't go back and recreate the same friendship that was once there.There are so many connections I can make for this lesson, but I will let you discover your own. Instead of trying to dredge the past into the present, I think it's about time to grasp the present to see what will unfold to be my new past.

On the road to healthy

2011-11-15T20:59:00.000-05:00

I found out June 2004 that my Mom had cancer. She had been "sick" since January of that year, but for five months, doctors had been telling her she had pneumonia. Somehow, in a place deep inside myself, I knew the truth. I remember saying to Jeff that I thought it was lung cancer and if it was, I would kill myself.

I had two weeks to process the news. Two weeks to research survival rates of stage 4 lung cancer. I had two weeks to wonder how the hell I would get through another day. Two weeks later was my Mom's first chemotherapy session during which she passed away. Two weeks isn't a lot of time to get your head wrapped around the notion that your best friend in life was going to lose a battle that she never stood the chance against from the beginning. It wasn't enough time for me. No amount of time would have ever been enough.

After her death we requested an autopsy, though the reason behind that is vague in my mind now. I think we were searching for someone to blame, something specific to hate.

I never saw the results of the autopsy but they were relayed to me. Just about every organ, every cell of my Mom's body was smothered in cancer. How could she not have known? How could I have just spent that past Christmas with her and not had an inkling that she was so sick? It snuck up on her, on us, and took her from us before I realized she was dying, before I even understood that she was sick. When I was told she passed away, all I could say was "but she wasn't even sick. She wasn't sick. I don't understand, she wasn't sick." The image of my Mom was of a healthy, happy woman, not of someone who was sick. Her spirit didn't portray a dying woman, it portrayed strength and courage.

My Mom never worked out, she drank for many years, she smoked. Oh, on a side note, if anyone you know is diagnosed or passes away from lung cancer, don't ever ask if they smoked, it's completely irrelevant and certainly doesn't make the disease okay. I hated that question.

My Mom spent many years neglecting her health. She didn't pay much attention to nutrition and abused the vehicle of her life as so many of us do to some degree. I'm sure she never assumed she would get sick. She probably didn't consider the consequences or her actions (or lack of actions), or if she did, didn't think they applied to her. Does this sound familiar? I don't blame my Mom for what happened, I'm not angry or resentful. I wish she would have taken better care of her not just so she would have more years, but so the years that she DID have were happy ones with vibrant health.

Instead, I am 30 years old and haven't seen my Mom in almost 7 years. My kids will never know her, how shitty is that?

Today Lily and I turned on some Christmas music in the car and a song came on that I instinctively said "my Mommy loved this song." I feel Lily should have a sense of my Mom even though she won't truly ever know her, so I provide her with little tidbits of who my Mom was. Lily asked where my Mom was, to which I truthfully replied "my Mommy died." How do you explain that concept to an innocent child? I then went on to say "my Mommy died, which means I can't see her or touch her but she is everywhere, and I talk to her all the time and I think she listens to me." Maybe the explanation sufficed for her, or maybe she heard my voice starting to crack, but she dropped it after adding in "your Mommy liked this song." How I appreciate her intuitive nature.

So what's my point? I have 2 kids now. Two little people whom I love with ever fiber of my soul. I look into their eyes and vow to myself to do all I can to ensure I am here for them as long as possible. I will teach them how to care for themselves through health, love, compassion and confidence. I need to be here for them so they never question if there is something they could have done differently to give me more time. I see their smiles and want to see them for many days, many years to come. I don't want to miss out on their graduations, weddings, children.....because I know how void going through those things without a Mommy can feel.

My motivation for eating clean, and working out every day rests in those two teeny tiny creatures who individually have the strength to lift me above self doubt, and who, together, have the strength to carry me through the rest of my years.

To health.

If you want it, prove it

2011-11-14T15:20:00.000-05:00

How many times have you desired something but just knew you couldn't achieve it? How many times have you heard someone say "I want that job" or "I wish I had that body" or "I would love to travel?" We are constantly putting our wants or wishes out into the universe, but how often do we actually work to realize those desires?

Why is it human nature to want something without the belief that we can achieve it?
Or maybe we just can't be bothered putting in the effort to see results?

You want to know what I desire right now?

I want my body to be strong. Not skinny, but strong. I want muscles that would put some men to shame. I want to do a pull up. I want to do more than 3 push ups. I want to work out in a sports bra. I want my body to carry me through illness & fatigue. I want my body to ward off serious disease. I want the rest of my years to be in good shape and good health so I have the energy to spend being playful with my children.

I was reading through last month's Oxygen magazine and came across an article about mantras and the power they have through tough workouts. I have always had mantras and believe in their ability to change thinking. So one I came across in the article resonated with me and I now use it when I'm not feeling strong in my workouts, and it's "If you want it, prove it." Love it.

I'll share my vision board with you when it's done, but for now, here are other sources of inspiration for me:

What do you want right now and where do you find inspiration to motivate you?

You get what you give

2011-11-13T22:16:00.000-05:00

Hi everyone!

A friend of mine very recently asked me how I have the time and energy to be working out already and I thought that was a great question.

I'm a strong believer that you get what you give and this idea probably is the most true in relation to diet. During my pregnancy I didn't monitor what I put into my body too much. I ate what appealed to me, and at times portion sizes were probably double what they needed to be. It's hard to turn down cravings or raging hormones that insist you have a veggie burger combo from Harveys. I gave in to those desires most of the time, though I really wasn't all that out of control. Luckily I generally follow a fairly healthy diet so my cravings for junk were minimal.

After I had Lily in 2009, I stumbled across the Eat Clean book by Tosca Reno. Following her simple (and common sense) concepts, I was able to lose the last 10 pounds of pregnancy weight I had held on to for months. In the last few months of this pregnancy, I re-read this book, and purchased 4 more of her similar books. I had spent months in pain from SPD and was desperate to feel like I had a body I could work with again. This pregnancy made me appreciate my body in a way I never had before and I vowed to take the best care of it once the baby was here. I realized I had taken advantage of it for too long and being in constant pain reminded me how lucky I was that this was temporary. I (normally) had a body that was strong and reliable and I realized I needed to appreciate that more.

So 8 days ago I went all out and cleaned up my diet - no more processed foods, no white sugar (no white anything for that matter), no junk. Instead I filled my body with wholesome, fresh, natural and raw foods and I feel absolutely incredible. My body has bounced back in no time, I have a ton of energy and emotionally I feel amazing. I put good, simple, healthy foods into my body and in return, my body is functioning at peak levels. Today I did a 30 minute HIIT on the treadmill and did 15 minutes on the cross trainer. Later this afternoon I also spent 30 minutes working on my glutes and did a few ab exercises. I felt strong, and despite working out so much, my energy levels are still high.

My body is thanking me for fueling it properly, and providing it all the nutrients it needs to function efficiently. When I would eat a chocolate bar or indulge in chips, I used to feel like crap. I'd hit a slump and crave more sugar. I was irritable and tired. Why is it that when we are aware of this, we still choose the same foods that make us feel lethargic? The first few days of clean eating were hard, especially since it was Halloween. I was so proud of not having a single crumb of the Halloween candy, though I really wanted something - anything. After only a few days, my cravings for sugar were minimal and now I crave other things - yogurt and berries, hummus, protein shakes, fruit.

So that's the start of my journey to healthy. Someone the other day was talking about how she wants to start eating better and asked me for advice. I started talking about it and saw how animated I became. I was excited and my passion was sparked. I love talking about nutrition and health and it's a big part of who I am - it's time I embrace it and I look forward to sharing with you!

Me, Me, Me!

2011-11-11T22:09:00.000-05:00

Yay it's Friday!! I really look forward to the two days we have Jeff at home with us, there's nothing like family time.

I mentioned earlier that I wanted to start talking more about losing the baby weight and incorporating clean eating into that mix. I'm 6 days in, but I think I'll wait a bit to really get into the details. I had Jeff take bikini pictures of me last Saturday (not pretty!) so I can have progress photos all the way through, which I will eventually share with you, but not until I have a second photo with results to show you - the first photos are a little ego squashing, so I'd rather wait until I'm no longer in the same state! More about all this later.

We all have so many roles in life - from your stance in family, as a friend, in your career, in your community etc. I feel the most prominent role I play is a Mommy (especially now!) It's the most important thing I do now and will ever do. It's not a position I take lightly , it's a role I take on with ever fiber of my being. I strive for perfection, and reflect daily on how I am doing.

Having said that, I think it is extremely important for Mom's especially to realize that this is not our only role in life, it's not our only purpose. A balance is necessary between other aspects of who you are and what your passions are. It's vital to not get lost in being only a Mommy.

My favourite memories of my Mom involve the times she branched out to indulge in new experiences in an attempt to discover what she enjoyed and what brought her satisfaction. Too many years of her trying to be what everyone wanted, striving to make everyone but herself happy, and losing sight of what made her who she is led to too many more years of being lost to alcohol. For about 9 years she self destructed and was consumed with the disease. Her transformation when she finally decided to pick up the pieces of her life was incredible to me, and will always serve to inspire me. She alone decided to quit drinking and she did. We went on many journeys together after this time - we went on a spiritual retreat, tried Tai Chi, went to a few "alternative" churches, went hiking, saw Rod Stewart in concert, took various courses, spent time dancing in the kitchen, and laughing at each other's misfortunes (like the time she ordered at Tim Hortons, and was so distracted by making sure she threw her garbage into the bin from the car that she forgot to pick up her food) and so many more amazing memories.

I am so lucky to have been a part of my Mom's journey to herself. Watching her do things for herself was so important to me. I desperately wanted her to be happy and to find passion again. As the years went by, she grew stronger, found her confidence again and realized she was WORTH it. She explored a multitude of new things in an effort to build her life - a happy and peaceful life. Seeing my Mom happy and at peace was all I ever wanted and now that she is gone, I am beyond grateful to be able to look back on her life and know that she finally had found joy. She taught me that I am important enough to do things for. I am worth the time and effort. It is okay to desire more. It is necessary to connect with the core of ME. I am worth it and I am good enough.

It isn't selfish to indulge in your passions when you are a parent. To me, I think that doing things that bring me joy makes me a better Mom because my emotional/spiritual/mental proverbial cup will be full, and that will be evident in my dealings with my family. I need that time to myself, to reconnect with ME as a single entity, not in relation to anyone else. I am teaching my children to explore their interests and center their time around the things that ignite that spark of joy within them. I am more patient, content, energized and happy when I have "me" time, and not just idle time (though that's important too) - but time spent searching for new passions and indulging in current passions.

I signed up for hot yoga today, and bought a package for spin classes as well. I am starting boot camp next week, and have already been working out for the past week. I very quickly noticed a huge difference in my energy levels and my patience. I set up a girls night out for a few weeks from now as I have been longing for that connection again - with women whom I can have meaningful conversation with. My children will always come first, but I will also ensure I always have time for me. We will all be better because of that.

Let it be known though that my kids don't get lost in the shuffle. I'm signing Lily up for gymnastics for the new year and Dexter and I will be doing Baby and Mommy yoga. It's important for them to have their own individual activities and opportunities to explore their own interests. I realize how young they are, but it's never too early to start venturing out into the world to see what kinds of things make them happy.

So, the search for balance begins here! Since having a second child, my "free" time has decreased significantly, I cannot spend it doing things that don't make me happy, or spending it with people who zap my energy. Let the fun begin!

I can do this!

2011-11-09T15:34:00.000-05:00

Dexter will be three weeks old tomorrow and I now feel like I can handle two kids....or at least that we will all survive as I figure it out. By far the hardest adjustment has been my level of guilt over watching Lily have to do things for herself, play alone, wait for what she wants, and overall get used to a decreased amount of attention. I worry that this change for her is one that she will associate with our level of love for her. When she comes out with comments like "nobody wants to play with me" or "Mommy, you don't love me anymore," my heart just shatters, and this is what I struggle with. I can deal with the crying, with the feeling of being pulled in 18 directions at once, with the increased responsibility....I can deal with it all just fine, but it's the guilt that has been so hard.

I had a breakdown just before writing my last post (as if it wasn't obvious), but since then I have managed to find some balance and have felt like I am capable of doing this and doing this in a way that allows both my children to KNOW that they are loved and special in their own way. Part of this shift has occurred because I have started working out which has been amazing. It feels awesome to once again work with my body and challenge it - it almost feels like it belongs to me again! There are a couple other things which have allowed me to be more at peace in the role of a mother of two, here they are:

See those faces? How could I not love my life and look forward to every day?

Yesterday my hair was a mess, I hadn't touched it since I woke up and Lily said to me "Mommy I love your hair." Let's be honest, she didn't love my hair at the moment but that made her compliment all that more meaningful. She looked at me at that moment and felt the need to say something to make me feel good.

Dexter gave me a bunch of smiles yesterday too. Real smiles as he watched me make crazy faces and talk like an idiot. He loved it. Any time he's in front of me he stares at me. He will follow my voice and he quiets when I hold him. He loves his Mommy. It feels like he has been here always, it's weird. He's such a happy, content and calm little guy - not at all what I was expecting.

My new life is a pleasure and I am blessed, SO blessed for everything I have. I will try to remember this when times are chaotic and my nerves are challenged!

Asking for help

2011-11-05T20:44:00.000-04:00

Whew, I'm so glad we are blessed with brand new days. I woke up this morning and looked around my disaster of a room and actually laughed. Last night I was in survival mode, and fell apart emotionally. Today I was able to find humour in it all. Maybe it was the uncontrollable and unnecessary sobbing I did last night. Maybe it was the image of myself a frantic mess. Maybe it was the post hurricane state of my house, or maybe it was the box of tampons strewn about my room that I let Lily play with to entertain her for 5 minutes. Whatever it was, I woke up laughing, and realized that I was okay and everything will be okay.

Thank you all so much for you comments and messages of support. I know I'm not alone and know that things aren't going to always be easy. I knew that before Dexter came but like with the arrival of Lily, I am still in a bit of shell shock from the instant changes that have occurred over the past couple weeks. One of my favourite quotes comes from Neale Donald Walsch: "Life begins at the end of your comfort zone." I find that when I am challenged the most is when I grow the most. Last night was a huge struggle for me but today I feel confident and capable as a mother of two. I feel like maybe I will be okay and my kids will be okay too.

The majority of my anxiety comes from the knowledge that tax season is just around the corner. Jeff's hours start to pick up in January, and in April I barely know who he is. He will leave for work before 8:00 and work until midnight or later. Seven days a week. Last year he would come home for an hour or so for dinner and to spend some time with Lily. It was difficult last year because I was just pregnant, extremely nauseous and deliriously exhausted, with a toddler needing my attention. This time around will be different, with a new set of challenges to face, I will now have two children to care for, and it will all rest on me for months.

Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for Jeff's career and the stability it provides our family. I am grateful for the luxuries his hard work provides us and I admire his work ethic. He is the hardest worker I know and very dedicated to his job. He works himself to the bone and doesn't complain. I knew from the beginning what I was in for because I saw his Dad in the same career, with the same drive, and knew he wouldn't be available as much as I might need for those months.

I have come to realize that I will need help. I'll squash my own pride and admit that I will need to ask for help whether it be to entertain Lily for me, to watch Dexter while I put Lily to bed, or to keep me company at night when I am alone. A fellow "tax widow" told me she is friends with a couple who adopt her during tax season. They have her for dinner and show up to her house to watch her kids so she can leave or just have time to herself. Maybe I'll put an ad in Kijiji for a "tax family" - what do you think?

So it's time for me to put away the guilt, to swallow my pride and hang up my super woman cape. Come January I will need help and I will have to ask for it. Why do women have such a hard time asking for what they need or want? Why do we feel we have to tackle everything that comes our way and not just that, but to be perfect at all that we do?

Or is it just me??

A Balancing Act

2011-11-04T21:28:00.000-04:00

Hi guys,

Tonight marks the first night I have attempted to care for 2 kids all by myself. It's 9:00 right now and I am considering grabbing a funnel from our kitchen drawer and the biggest bottle of Baileys I can find. Yep, I'm that desperate.

I struggle with a newborn and a very active 2 year old. Dexter wants to nurse ALL the time. I mean every hour on the hour. The good thing is that I've mastered a new skill - walking and nursing. I just shudder to think of the amount of neighbours that are bound to see my boobs by the time all is said and done. On top of that, he has been very cranky the past couple days and I hate that I can't figure out why. I know he's only a couple weeks out but he started out as such a laid back, happy little guy and I hate seeing him crying all the time.

I gave Lily a much needed bath tonight, thinking that would be an easy way of entertaining the two of them. Dexter was plopped down in his bouncy chair while I could spend some one on one time with Lily. Not a good plan when you leave the soothers downstairs and Lily already is in the water. So ensued a very rushed bath for Lily, which I hated. She loves the bath and just wanted to play. Instead she got a snappy Mommy who hurried her through a normally fun experience.

Bedtime was just as terrible - more terrible actually. Dexter screamed the whole time, so I cut our routine back and tried reading a couple books through crying and screaming. He wanted to nurse. Again. 20 minutes after the last session. Sigh.....I explained to Lily that I had to leave to care for Dexter, I couldn't dilly dally the way I normally do. She likes to read 3 books then sing a song then snuggle. We didn't have time to snuggle or read a third book. I left her room as she started to cry, about to climb out of bed to chase me. I left, my ears ringing with the sound of my 2 crying children and my heart aching. I got downstairs, turned the monitor on and listened to Lily begging for Mommy to come back. I looked down at Dexter, his face purple and scrunched as he had been crying for far too long, and I plunked myself on the couch for the zillionth time today since I'm the only one right now capable of meeting his immediate needs. I listened to Lily crying alone and pictured the sadness in her eyes because her Mommy just isn't there for her as much as she is used to and I cried. There we were, the 3 of us, crying in unison, all for very different reasons, but we were all desperate for something - Dexter for food, Lily for her Mommy and me for an ability to keep everyone happy and loved at all times.

20 minutes later I was able to go back into her room while Dexter napped in his swing. I asked the teary faced princess what was wrong and she said "I want to snuggle with you Mommy" - my poor heart. So we snuggled for a bit and it's all she needed. She misses me and I desperately miss giving her all of me. I ache for her, and I mourn for the relationship we had. She doesn't realize I need her as much, if not more, than she needs me.

I know eventually we will find a routine that works for us and things will get better. For now, I feel like I'm in survival mode, and my white flag is frantically waving already but nobody is around to see it to rescue me. I am very much out of balance and hating that at any given time, someone has to go without their greatest desire. I just wish that person could always be me, and never one of my kids.

Be still

2011-10-29T20:01:00.000-04:00

Hi everyone!

Little Dexter is 9 days old now though I swear we brought him home yesterday. He is the most content little thing. He rarely fusses and sleeps well at night. I can put him down and he doesn't cry like Lily would. I actually put him down while he's awake and hover, just waiting for the shrieking to begin, but it usually doesn't. He will squawk when he's hungry, or when his diaper is being changed, or if he wants to change positions, but otherwise he is quiet and content and a very laid back boy. I love him to pieces and love to just stare at his big dark eyes and ridiculously adorable facial expressions. I love my little man!

A couple days ago my friend was coming to visit me, so I let Lily know we were going to have company. Since she knows me so well, she asked me "we have to clean the house Mommy?" Normally I'm a bit erratic with tidying and ensuring our house is in somewhat acceptable condition regardless of who comes over. If someone stops by and our house is a mess I will fret about it for awhile. I laughed at Lily's question, maybe I'm a bit more OCD about it then I realized? For the first time ever, instead of jumping up to frantically clean, I just responded with "no Lily, I don't care today."

This has been the norm since Dexter has joined us. He loves to snuggle up on my chest and curls himself into a teeny tiny ball. I will look around the house and make mental notes of what needs to be done - the dishes need to be washed, the kitchen needs to be clean, the floor needs to be swept, Lily's toys need to be put away, our t.v. stand needs to be dusted, our carpet needs to be vacuumed, the mountain of laundry needs to be taken care of.....and the list just keeps growing. My anxiety expands and I wonder which tasks I can take care of with a baby in my arms. Or maybe I could stick him in his bouncy chair and race to get as much done as possible before he wakes up and decides he's hungry yet again (he gained almost a whole pound in 3 days!).

The other day I just said to myself "stop. Just stop." And so I stayed on the couch, getting nothing accomplished, witnessing the deterioration of my house and doing absolutely nothing about it. I had on a show that I wasn't interested in and sat amongst the mess. I closed my eyes and moved my face down to the creature on my chest and kissed his soft head.

These moments are all that matter. The world around me can fall apart as much as it wants to, I will not give up these moments where my newborn son snuggles me and needs me. He will soon be exploring the world on his own, excited to discover and learn - and when this time comes, my arms will be empty and I will wish with all that I am that I would have appreciated his complete dependency for me. So I spend my time getting not a whole lot done around here. In my inefficiency though, I am doing the most important thing I can be doing - enjoying my child. I talk to him, give him lots of kisses (which always makes his forehead wrinkle), I touch his soft skin, hold onto his long but tiny fingers, and wrap my arms around his miniature body, carving every detail into my spirit and my memory, accessible anytime I need a smile.

Being still allows you to enjoy and appreciate. Being still gives you the space to reflect. Sometimes in life you need to cut out the chatter, put down your to-do list and drop everything you want to accomplish so that you can just live in the moment and enjoy what surrounds you.

Right now I'm alone with Dexter. Lily is at the Sabres game with her Nana and Papa and Jeff is at work. Our great room is a mess and I know our kitchen counter is piled with dishes, but I don't care. The fireplace is on, the game is playing in the background and my little man is curled up on my chest, right over my heart. I listen to him breathing, grateful for his health. I feel his belly rise and fall, in sync with my own. His little body warms me, and I am overwhelmed with how quickly this little being has weaseled his way into every crevice of my soul, I am completely in love with him and would do absolutely anything for him. In the stillness of the night I realize how fierce a mother's love can be - he has joined his sister in becoming my world.

Birth Story

2011-10-26T09:50:00.000-04:00

He's here!!

12 days past my due date and little man finally decided to grace us with his presence. It has been almost a week now and I am completely smitten with this handsome, perfect prince.

Let me back up and share the entire birth story with you.

Wednesday October 19th (11 days past due) I had an ultrasound and a midwife appointment booked to check on the baby. The midwife appointment was first and she decided to do a procedure called "stretch and sweep" - I know, a terrible visual. She was confident it would be effective and she managed to bring me to 4 c.m. dilated. I left feeling giddy, excited to finally meet this little guy. I had lots of cramping and some mild contractions when I went to the ultrasound for 10:45. Getting to peek at the baby brought about even more anticipation, he looked great and luckily still healthy. The rest of the day I had more cramping and generally felt unwell. 7:00 is when I started timing contractions, but after 3 hours they never managed to get closer together than 7 minutes. I quit timing and went to bed. I woke again around 3 to even stronger contractions and wondered if I should get up to get things ready. Next thing I knew, I woke up for the day, and felt completely disappointed and frustrated. I just wanted to meet my little man, and certainly didn't want things to progress to the point I would require an induction.

On this day I still had contractions here and there, but I quit reading into anything. I spoke to the midwife who said the next day (Friday) I would get another stretch and sweep done and then an induction would be scheduled probably for Sunday. While I was still feeling disappointed, I was happy to know I would only have to wait another few days.

Around dinner the contractions were a bit stronger and happened more frequently but I knew they weren't enough to start timing. After dinner I joined Lily in her playroom. At one point I stood up and felt a leak. I immediately turned around and bolted to the bathroom. I wasn't sure if my water had just broke or what but when I stood up again later, it kept coming. Every time I moved or stood, water would just pour out of me, it was ridiculous! I told Jeff my water had broke and we started getting things together and tying up loose ends. Once my contractions started with Lily, my labour was just under 3 and a half hours so I knew our time was limited. I called the midwife to let her know, and she advised me we would have to meet her at the hospital in Niagara Falls - about 30 minutes away. We then called Jeff's parents since they would be watching Lily and they had just sat down for dinner in the Falls. By then it was 8:00 and we had to meet the midwife at 9. We double checked our bags, added some things, and I texted a couple people to let them know. I was excited, and scared and relieved and anxious. There was no turning back now, he would be here soon!

We told Lily what was going on and she was excited to be having a sleepover with Nana and Papa. I was a bit emotional later when I said goodbye to her. I knew her life would never again be the same and I was sad for her but hopeful that she would adjust well.

My contractions started at 8:30 but were only about 7-8 minutes apart. I know that sounds pretty good but my contractions with Lily started at 2 and a half minutes apart so to me, this didn't seem like much. The car ride was fast, and we made it there right at 9:00 in the pouring rain. I met the midwife inside and I was checked out as well as the baby. He was handling the contractions like a champ. I laid in bed for awhile then decided to walk and this is when the contractions picked up. They were getting stronger and I would stop to use Jeff as a leaning post when they happened. They seemed a lot stronger than the ones I had with Lily and I wondered if I would be able to do another non medicated birth.

Eventually I got back into the bed, I was exhausted. The baby's heart continued to be fine, but this is the time I started feeling overwhelmed by pain. I have no idea what time it was but the midwife checked me and I wasn't quite fully dilated yet. I just wanted to push, I remember that being the best part with Lily. At this point the contractions were absolutely brutal and I felt I was teetering on the edge of sanity. The pain wasn't something anyone could ever comprehend. If there was a hammer beside my bed I likely would have used it to knock myself out. I was desperate for relief as the contractions were on top of each other with no break. It was then I knew I was close - that feeling of losing control is usually associated with the end of labour.

The midwife then asked if Lily ever turned and I knew there was trouble. Apparently little man decided to flip around the other way and I was a bit scared. I got on my hands and knees and stayed that way for a period of time to help him flip over again. It was in this position I felt my body push for the first time and it was a giant push. The amazing thing about midwives is that they sit back with little instruction and let your body decide what it needs to do. It hadn't been long since I was checked so I was concerned that I wasn't yet fully dilated but pushing, but nobody else seemed concerned. After a few pushes, the midwives scrambled a bit and had me flip over to my back again. I was relieved it was really time to focus on pushing. I gave a huge push, and then another. Shortly after that I felt the head crowing (this is the "holy shit" moment when you realize what is about to happen and don't believe a baby will fit!). It felt like I sat there for 5 minutes in excrutiating pain, but I knew I needed to wait. If I pushed before my body was ready, I could cause damage to myself and I sure didn't want to end up with a fourth degree tear.

I pushed for a total of 8 minutes before Dexter Liam made his appearance at 11:48 p.m. - about 3 hours of labour. He was placed on my chest as soon as he came out and I could not believe how ridiculously adorable he was. Other than saying "he's so cute" all I could say was "I'm so glad that's over!" It was quick but more intense than it ever was with Lily.

He weighed 7 pounds 1 oz. and was 19 and 3/4 inches long. He scored 9/9 on his Apgars and was healthy and happy and so loved right from the second I saw him (and before then really!)The midwife checked me and I was shocked to hear her say "perineum is fully intact" - no stitches needed, no tears, not a single thing! There is much to be said with allowing your body to do what it feels is right.

I came out healthy, Dexter came out healthy and I surprisingly felt pretty darn good. We left the hospital at 3:00 and thus began our new life as a family of 4.

I'll update you with more at another time. This post is already too long! I can sum up the past week though with telling you that my heart and spirit are full. Overflowing with love and adoration for my 2 beautiful, perfect children. I am blessed and hounoured to be called their Mommy. Life is such an amazing miracle and I am grateful to be here (with a sleeping little prince on my chest as I type this!)

xxoo

Counting down...

2011-10-06T12:47:00.000-04:00

Well the countdown is on! Actually the countdown has been on for a couple weeks now. Lily was born almost 2 weeks early and I had myself fully convinced that this little guy would follow the same idea. Silly of me!

Officially he is due in 2 days - I can't believe it has come so fast, yet it seems like forever since we started anticipating his presence in our lives. I have so many mixed emotions about his arrival.

Obviously I am beyond ready to meet my little man. I imagine what he will look like, what he will be like and anticipate holding him in my arms and confirming that he is healthy. I am ready for the snuggles and cuddles and the complete dependency he will have on me. It won't be long before he is ready to learn and grow on his own and I will relish in the fact that he needs his Mommy.

While I realize my sleep will be minimal for the first little while, the good thing about having your second is that you are aware of how fleeting this newborn stage is and know that sleep will eventually come.

The downside of it being my second is that I know what I'm in for as far as childbirth goes. The labour itself I can handle. I had Lily without any drugs and honestly it was the most empowering experience I know I will ever have in life. Time meant nothing to me and there are periods I don't remember at all. I found a place within myself that was full of strength and courage. The entire labour I was calm and quiet and just breathed and walked my way through every contraction. The very first contractions started at 2 and a half minutes apart and lasted for almost 2 minutes each. Needless to say, they were extremely intense from the start, and it took a lot of trust and belief in my body to get through each one. I first learned this lesson when I started running - we are SO much stronger than our minds allow us to believe. Once you beat out the chatter of your mind and the doubt that creeps in, the capability of our bodies will astound us.

To be honest, I'm looking forward to the labour again. I get the opportunity to experience the wonder of my body working as it is supposed to. I face the challenge of overcoming my mind (I will not take drugs), and I am already anticipating the superhuman feelings that come after I hold my baby and knowing that I brought him into the world naturally and graciously.

It's the healing afterward I'm dreading. Ugggh!

I am also anxious for Lily. She is the center of our universe right now, and always will be, but our focus is about to shift a little bit. She will now have to share everything - toys, attention, time, and I hope she understands that having her brother here in no way takes away from the love we have for her. I know every second time parent goes through these emotions, and I know it will be okay. Giving Lily a sibling will (hopefully) be the best gift we can give her, it will just be an adjustment.

So until baby brother gets here, I am trying to spend lots of quality time with Lily and enjoying the time we do get together. We talk about the baby lots, and he already feels like such a big part of our lives. When we do anything new or fun Lily will say "baby brother come too?" and it melts me. She already loves him. And so do we.

I will update you all when he gets here, and then the nature of my blog will shift a bit. I want to post more about fitness and nutrition and specifically how I will lose my baby weight. I'll be taking pictures along the way (scary thought right now!) to document my progress. Clean eating has been a passion of mine for a couple years now and I would love to share more about this lifestyle with you.

I cannot wait to get my body back and I don't mean that at all in a shallow, superficial way. This pregnancy has been hard on me. I've had terrible nausea and vomiting. I've been so exhausted throughout that at times I feel like I'm living in another dimension. I had awful heartburn for a period of time. I've gained weight quickly and my body has changed even faster - it gets hard lugging around an extra 35 pounds that's all belly. Worst of all has been the SPD, which has been extremely painful since about 30 weeks. It hurts to stand. It hurts to sit. It hurts to move too quickly. The worst is rolling in bed, it's excruciating.

To me, there is no better motivation to start a new workout plan than having very little control over your body for almost a year. I am so ready to push my body again and challenge it. I am ready to run and move in ways I have been unable to. I am ready to take care of it and to thank it for all it has done for me through 2 pregnancies.

If anyone would like to join in on the challenge, I plan on starting as soon as my midwife clears me (last time it was about 4 weeks postpartum). I would love the motivation of sharing pictures, stories, recipes and ideas. Email me if you want to join along, I would be happy for the company! I will be posting pictures, mini updates and tips on my "Closer to Me" Facebook page, so like it if are interested in reading about my journey.

Until then, keep us in your thoughts, hopefully I will be able to introduce you to our newest family member soon!

xxoo

The importance of Beauty

2011-09-14T11:12:00.000-04:00

Almost 3 years ago, Jeff and I went in for the second ultrasound of my first pregnancy to find out the gender of our little peanut. I was absolutely convinced it was a girl and warned Jeff to wrap his head around that fact as his hopes were set on a boy. Sure enough, the ultrasound tech. informed us that it was indeed a little girl. One of the first things Jeff said on our way home that day was "what the heck do I do with a girl?" I understood his concern as he never really grew up with girls around so the idea was foreign to him. I thought about how to answer him and came up with 3 requirements in raising a girl:

1. Spend time with her, and when you do, make sure she knows you WANT to be there with her

2. Tell her you love her. Every day. Multiple times a day.

3. Tell her she's beautiful. Often.

I think those 3 things will result in a positive relationship between a man and his daughter (with some smaller requirements in between). I think they are all extremely important things to keep in mind while dealing with a daughter, but I want to focus on #3 - telling her she is beautiful.

When I was 14 I went swimming with a friend of mine. As we were walking back into the change room, a boy (I'm so old!) yelled at me "you're beautiful!" He couldn't have been talking to me, could he? He must have been referring to the friend I was with. I shook it off, but when we were done and headed to the park, this same person struck up conversation with me, and it became evident that he had indeed been talking about me.

Before that time I don't remember anyone putting my name and "beautiful" in the same sentence. 14 is a difficult enough age, but I had an excessive amount of insecurities and my self esteem had been low for years. I never thought much about my physical appearance other than being certain that it was less than mediocre. My body wasn't good enough, my face wasn't good enough, my hair wasn't good enough, I wasn't good enough. I had little sense of who I was and what made me happy.

So I can't pinpoint a time when I was told I was beautiful, either in reference to my looks or my character. Surely someone must have told me so when I had to dress up - for graduation, Christmas, some sort of holiday? Who knows.

So this summer day when I was 14 was really the first time someone told me I was beautiful, and coming from a male figure, it had a huge impact on me. Those 2 words brought possibility to my life - maybe I was attractive, maybe someone could appreciate me, maybe I was good enough?

The source of these words didn't matter as much as the words themselves. I was elated and shocked, and wanting to hear more. So I magnetized myself to this person for the next many months, anxiously awaiting those words to again, escape him. They did, many times, which is what kept me holding on to a relationship that was toxic to me. He was 19, addicted to heroin, in and out of jail, verbally and emotionally abusive, and a control freak. It was a good thing he was in jail for the majority of our relationship, I can't imagine the choices I may have made had he been physically present in my life. During that relationship I was stripped of my dignity (he cheated on me and I believed it to be my fault), the control over my choices (I quit the basketball team because he didn't like me doing things without him), and any sense of what was right and wrong. By the end of it, I was lost. But I was beautiful right?

The first man I want to tell Lily she's beautiful is her Daddy. I want her to KNOW that she absolutely is beautiful in his eyes. Maybe if she is able to believe that, those words will mean nothing to her coming from anyone else - because she will already know this and not need the validation from a boy. Every day she looks in the mirror, I comment on how beautiful or pretty she is - her eyes that sparkle, her soft hair, her contagious smile....I want her to always look in the mirror at her reflection with a smile on her face.

Feeling beautiful is about so much more though than physical - it's just as important to feel beautiful as a person. When Lily shares, I comment on how generous she is. I tell her how good of a friend she is when she does something nice for someone else. I tell her how funny she is, how smart she is ("Mommy I'm not smarty pants, I'm Lily Neill!"), how considerate she is. I use real life, real time examples of how wonderful of a person she is and how beautiful she is inside too.

About 6 months ago I randomly found a pink magnet on the floor of my car that read "yes, you look beautiful today." I smiled and hung it on my visor, beside my mirror. Every time I looked in the mirror, the message would remind me what I needed to tell my reflection. I am 30, and I still need to be reminded that I am beautiful.

Maybe when Lily is 30, she won't need a reminder because she will just know.

Capturing life

2011-08-28T14:00:00.000-04:00

Hi everyone,

I have lots to write about but most importantly, I want to share some amazing photos with you all.

Recently Jeff, Lily and I went to visit MAK Studios to get some maternity shots done. I didn't have any done when I was pregnant with Lily, which I later regretted. This time around I thought it would be extra special because Lily could be in them too! There wasn't a question in my mind who I trusted enough to capture this special time in our lives.

MAK Studios consist of a mother/daughter duo. I first met Kelly (the daughter) in prenatal yoga about 2 and a half years ago. I've talked about her before, but let's just sum it up to say that she is embedded into my spirit. She is a very patient, light-hearted, confident person who calms me every time I'm with her. Her Mom Marnie is just as awesome, and anytime I am with her, her presence reflects that of my Mom. She also has a very calming nature, yet intense in the focus she gives.

Together, these women make quite the pair. When it comes to photography, you barely notice there are two people in the room. They work together in a seamless fashion, and seem to communicate without speaking at times. I swear they have a language all their own.

I am such a planner, yet every time I have seen them, there isn't structure in that they have preconceived ideas of what they want. Instead, they feel out the atmosphere and mood of everyone involved and roll with an ever changing environment, which I think is absolute key in capturing the essence of each person, as well as moments that may otherwise be overlooked. They are open to ideas and suggestions, but are full of their own creative flow. Their ideas seem to come out of nowhere and end up being the most beautiful, fun images (you'll see what I mean in a minute).

I have brought Lily to them many times, and I can only imagine how frustrating it can be to photograph children. At this particular shoot, Lily wanted nothing to do with photos and wouldn't listen to a thing any of us were suggesting. Kelly and Marnie are incredibly patient and will approach the situation a variety of ways to ensure the photo shoot is a success. I was 100% sure that our family photos were a flop and I was pleasantly shocked to see there were actually a multitude of the most beautiful moments captured - and I still have no idea how they managed to accomplish that!

The presence of two people allow for efficiency and variety and I am certain these pair of women are the perfect team. Doing a maternity shoot is a personal and intimate experience. There were times I was without an article (or two!) of clothing, but I was completely comfortable due to their professionalism and grace. If at anytime I was uncomfortable, I knew I was free to decline an idea and they would move on to something else without hesitation or disappointment. They are the photographers, but I was always free to decide what I was okay with.

MAK Studios are meticulous in ensuring their client is happy. I know personally that they both put their hearts and souls into their work and their main goal is to capture not just an image, but a moment, a memory, a still version of living beauty.

I could go on (and on and on) but perhaps the best way I can communicate my absolute adoration and gratitude for these women is to share the most recent images they took of such a joyful time for us:

This is my favourite one, beautiful!

It was a beautiful day, why not a few photos outside?

Isn't this a cute idea?

Great example of an impromptu idea. Not too sure whose idea it was for me to wear Kelly's 2 year old's tutu, but what a fun, memorable picture!

They have a variety of cute props/clothing

I don't even remember Lily smiling the entire time, but this is a genuine one!

This one wasn't planned, Lily was being a goofball. Thanks to Kelly & Marnie, a super cute moment was captured and it's one of my favourites!

Lily wasn't even supposed to be in this picture, but the ladies know a moment when they see one. They somehow managed to get Lily's cuteness in there but not my "I need a drink" look of exasperation!

This concept was a bit of a disaster thanks to my grumpy girl, but this one ended up looking almost fun!

Visit their website for more examples of work they have done. Also, like them on Facebook to show your appreciation of their work! I can't wait for them to do newborn pictures of our little man (due to come in just 6 weeks!). I'll be sure to share those ones with you as well!

Full Circles

2011-07-07T22:09:00.000-04:00

I had a poignant thought this afternoon in what would have been a passing moment for many.

Lily and I had some errands to do for her birthday party (in 2 days!!), so we had been out shopping and were about to head home. We had just left the dollar store and Lily had somehow managed to weasel a small bag of chips into the mix.

We were just leaving the parking lot as I glanced backwards to Lily. She's such a tiny little thing, yet it always astonishes me how I sometimes can forget that she's a child. I speak to her as I would a mentor, I long to spend time with her as a best friend, and I confide in her as though we are one entity, not 2 separate beings - a mother and a daughter. There are times when I look at her and remember that she is a child, full of innocence, purity, complete love and devotion, and my heart aches to know that I have the privilege of guiding and loving her for the rest of my days.

So in my glance, I see this tiny little hand reaching into a bag, her brow was a bit ruffled in concentration. She was searching for something very specific in that bag - maybe a pretzel, maybe a ring....whatever it was, she was determined to find it. I took a snapshot in my soul of that second. My daughter was with me, safe, happy, and very much her own person. My hand shot up to my chest and my eyes watered as I quietly said "My God I love you Lily." As a Mommy, there are many instances that catch my breath, and stop the world around us as I am overtaken by a love that has to come from a time before this life - that's how powerful and pure it is.

Lily responded with "yeah." My statement didn't require a response, nor did I expect one. Her answer though said a lot. She knew, it was old news to her, no big deal. That's a good thing.

My mind flashed back to the summer of 2003. I was 22 years old, and my own Mom had been living in Alberta for a few months at that time. I was a mess when she left, yet I was still at an age when vulnerability meant weakness, so I always pretended that everything was okay, when in reality, half my soul moved 3 provinces away with her. I have this extremely vivid memory of the first day I visited her during that summer. My step dad was driving a little red truck, my Mom sat in the passenger seat, and I was squashed in the back. Exhaustion overtook me and I nodded off as I sprawled across the seats. My eyes flickered open for a few seconds. Long enough to see my Mom turn in her seat to look back at me. Long enough to see the smile that formed when her eyes met mine. Long enough to always remember what I saw in her eyes. The love that she held for me were absorbed fully into her glance, and I will forever hold on to that second. I saw her love, her adoration, her peace, her contentment, her relief, her honor, her pride, her soul.......all for me. I understood at that time what I had just witnessed but it took until this afternoon to really get it.

Since my Mom has been gone, much of what I experience has included full circles, such a symbolic shape not of a beginning and an end, but of continuation.

I looked at Lily today with the eyes my Mom used to look at me so many years ago. I hope that in them, Lily can understand what she is seeing, though I realize she never will until (and if) she has a child of her own. Another circle drawn. Each time one of these circles comes about in my life, I am brought closer to my own Mom, and I find another piece of who she is within me.

I have reached a level of knowing my Mom that might not have been possible had she still been alive. I am far more aware of these connections and revelations because they connect me to her, and allow me to feel her again. I wouldn't spend so much time looking for, or living in, such simple moments if she were here. I would still be taking it all for granted, thinking "there is plenty of time."

Don't wait. Don't wait for moments of desperation before you start paying attention and grabbing hold of the simple moments that can hold so much significance to you and to those around you.

Another year

2011-06-23T21:10:00.000-04:00

Hi everyone!

I hope you're all doing awesome!

I am going to post this a bit prematurely but the next couple days are full of chaos (and fun!), so I wanted to reflect now and after the fact.

June 25th is a date that holds huge significance in my life. It represents the day my Mom passed away - a day that will forever haunt me, and a day my world as I knew it was forever altered. That day is 2 days away and I can't help but be emotionally fragile during certain moments. Saturday will be 7 years since I have lived without my Mom's physical presence in my life.

7 years of not hearing her voice.
7 years of asking the universe to give me another moment with her.
7 years of wondering whether or not her spirit ever existed for at times it feels so far away.
7 years of stumbling my way through, alone.
7 years of wondering, yearning, struggling.
7 years of rebuilding everything that defines ME.
7 years of an open wound that will never heal.
7 years of needing someone with a desperation that at times drives me to the brink of insanity.
7 years.....and sometimes it feels like it's been mere weeks.

I try so hard to not let this date pummel me down again. It's a challenge. But I do reflect - on the time that has passed, on the years we had, and on who I have become from it all. I wonder what my Mom would think if she saw me now - I'm married, have a baby and another on the way, live in a new beautiful home. I was the first in my family to graduate university, all these accomplishments made after she was gone. I hope she is proud of me, not just for these things, but for who I am.

I also reflect on the present. Am I where I want to be in life? Do I have regrets? Are there "knowings" that are nagging at my spirit - changes I know I need to make but scare me? Am I fulfilled? Am I happy? Is there more I can do, more I can be? Am I following my heart, or letting logic lead? All these things are so important for me to valuate, for I truly believe that if you follow what you know to be true and right for you, your life will unfold and follow a path that will allow you to share your gifts with the world in a way that enriches your spirit. It's so important to me because my Mom died when she was 50 years old - it means everything to me to follow my dreams because I have no idea how much longer I have.

So I have been reflecting and there are many observations that I don't like, and I've known I don't like them, and I'm tired of hanging on for fear. The spirit of my Mom is a constant reminder and inspiration to follow what is right for me, and me only because at the end of the day, I am the only one who can live this life.

Saturday night I am hosting my second "Girls Night In" event through the Canadian Cancer society. I am expecting 32 women and 3 vendors. I am happy to raise money for the cause, last year we raised $1,500, and I hope to at least match that this year. But it's also so important to me to take the time to celebrate. We have all been affected by cancer in some way, it's easy to allow the word alone to instill fear in us and bring about anxiety, anger and fear. I want this night to revolve around the women themselves. This night is to celebrate the lives, courage, strength, beauty and spirit of the women we know who have had to live with the disease. We are honouring those who have lost the battle, as well as those who are living the battle, or who have come out a survivor. It's a night to reflect on what's really important in life. It's an opportunity to celebrate the mere fact that we are alive, and given the opportunity to be here.

I realize many (too many) of you have never met my Mom, and no words I write could ever convey the gentle spirit she always carried with her. But on June 25th I'm hoping that you too, can take a moment to reflect on your own life. Appreciate what you have. Let go of anger, resentment and insecurity. Live with the gratitude of what is life. Raise your drink and toast to those you know who have lived with this disease. And drink. To LIFE.

Much love,
Rachel

So tired

2011-06-09T21:19:00.002-04:00

Hi everyone,

It's been awhile hasn't it?

If you know me at all, you know how much I hate conflict. I hate arguing, I hate anger, I hate bickering, I hate yelling, I hate anything that disrupts harmony, and my tendency is to avoid anything that may result in this.

Today was a different story. I had a somewhat heated argument with someone at work, and while normally I am cool headed, I was ready to throw punches. And elbows. And dropkicks. I don't even want to get into the details of the debate, but the conversation began with "you're starting to get an extremist attitude and you're going to pass that on to your daughter." This was stated after a comment I made about substituting honey in my tea for white sugar. I've read and researched a lot about the affects of white sugar (white anything really) has on our body. I do eat processed foods, I'm not perfect, but I make efforts to find alternatives.

Regardless, any conversation that begins in a way to make me feel like my choices as a mother are being criticized, you know the result cannot possibly be a positive one. I immediately felt like I was being attacked and accused of being a bad Mommy. And the reason being because I make healthy food choices for my daughter (aka my life)? I could not wrap my head around this concept and the more I provided reasons for my choices, the angrier I got, and the more I realized my point wasn't being heard. Which is fine, it was just so energy draining for me.

Eventually the debacle ended, and I pulled up all my anxiety decreasing, yogic breathing techniques I could, to bring myself back down to my normally calm demeanor. And then, like other emotionally provoking occurrences in life, I reflected. Why was I so wound up? Why did I have so much invested into this stupid argument?

The answer is that I am tired. And I don't mean from this pregnancy, I am finally over that stage!

I am tired of subconsciously making decisions I think are most acceptable to others. People don't consider my opinion when they make their choices, do they?

I am tired of wondering what other people think of my parenting ability. My daughter is my world, and she knows it and always will. I am attentive, loving, and grateful for every second I have with her. Every single choice I make is with her in mind. I realized today that not everyone will agree with every decision I make and that's fine. I am a wonderful Mom, and if you have a negative word to speak in regards to the way I raise my child, keep it to yourself, it's none of my business.

I am tired of playing the role I think is expected of me. I have spent far too many years being guided by what other people want for me. This is my life, why is someone else dictating what it should look like?

I am tired of withholding my thoughts, ideas and feelings for fear of being told I am wrong.

I am tired of feeling inferior.

I am tired of playing the role of superwoman. I do not have boundless energy, 6 hands, 4 brains, and impermeable patience. Who the hell appointed me this role anyway?

I am tired of waiting for things in my life to happen.

I am tired of giving up passions because of something negative someone else says. To be honest, I quit writing on here partially because of negative feedback I got. Despite how healing writing is for me, and how passionate I am about it, I stopped because one person made 2 hurtful comments to me.

I learned a lot from this argument today, and it ended as a good experience. Lately I have been so overwhelmed with this "tired" feeling in life, I think I finally reached my breaking point today.

I need thicker skin.
And I need to stop giving a shit.
I need to start living this life - MY life, for ME. It isn't the responsibility of anyone else to mold me. It's time to figure out who I am, what I want and where I want to go, without the influence of anyone else, and without being tangled in the threads of others' beliefs and expectations.

Good bye to the mass marketed Superwoman.
Hello to a strong, independent woman with her own thoughts and beliefs. It's so good to finally see you.

So very lucky!

2011-05-24T19:02:00.000-04:00

Hi strangers,

I hope you are all doing awesome and are happy wherever you are.

It has been an interesting week (and it's only Tuesday!). Yesterday was my due date when I was pregnant back in October. I knew the day would come, I knew I would reflect, and I knew I needed to take some time to appreciate the short life of that baby.

I am a strong believer that life is inherently GOOD. There are lessons we can learn in any situation if we are willing to look for them. I also believe that out of the hardest of times comes the most beautiful journey. I know I have talked about that possibly to exhaustion, but I can't emphasize this enough. It has been during the most heart breaking circumstances that I have learned the most, grown the strongest, attracted the most wonderful people and been given the most refined vision to see beauty in everything else around me. This miscarriage was no exception.

I learned so much, and came to appreciate so much more from this grief. I didn't dwell on what could have been yesterday. I didn't sit down to cry, feeling sorry for myself. I didn't feel the absence of this baby's life (though any of those reactions would be completely acceptable and normal). Instead, I realized how lucky I am to go on to have another healthy pregnancy. I felt a new life wiggle away inside of me, and have appreciated this journey despite the fatigue, the nausea, the mood swings....I have taken it all in and accepted it all as part of this miraculous gift.

I took the day yesterday to appreciate, and to thank the life of bean #2 for leading the way for the life of bean #3 because I know when this baby comes, I will never be able to imagine my life without him.

And today we had our ultrasound to find out the gender of our baby, what a fabulous experience. The lady spent a good 15 minutes taking pictures and looking things over before speaking. Despite feeling the baby move, and hearing the heart beat on a regular basis, I still felt myself tense, wondering if something was wrong. When she finally spoke and asked if we had picked out names yet, I immediately relaxed and the waves of gratitude washed over me, and are still washing over me. Tack on another half hour, she was finally ready to call Jeff and Lily into the room. We saw the face, the spine, heart, stomach, 2 arms, 2 legs (which were flailing around wildly....I'm thinking this baby is going to be a bit more of a handful than Lily!). We looked at the legs last and she scanned around the tops of them and just pointed. Very quickly it was obvious what we were having - a little boy!!!! We saw a few more times and there really wasn't a question.

We are completely ecstatic for a little boy. It will be such a different experience than with our little girl and we are blessed to have the opportunity to raise one of each. I am so ridiculously excited and suddenly anxious to meet my little boy. How lucky are we??

I am so lucky to have the ability to carry healthy children. I am so lucky that I don't have issues getting pregnant. I am so lucky for so many things....too many to list. I have the life of our angel baby to thank for infinitely reminding me of this all. I will never ever forget how very lucky I am.

The Spirit of a child

2011-05-04T22:02:00.000-04:00

I have this thing for documentaries these days, and have been fascinated by the ones I have found on Netflix. Tonight in particular I watched one called "Born into Brothels," which doesn't require much of a description, the title speaks for itself.

An American woman lives in Calcutta temporarily and has been working with a handful of children who have grown up in the red light district, with their mothers being prostitutes. She has taught them photography, in an effort to provide them some hope for their future. They are exposed to violence, drugs, verbal abuse, and the daunting knowledge that their futures hold no hope. The girls will be sold, or put "in the line" for prostitution at an early age, without a say in the matter. The ones to put them there? Their own family.

During the taping of this film, one of the young boys (maybe 10?), deals with the passing of his mother who was burned to death by her pimp (which I'm sure he was witness to). What hope does he have? Without an education, the doors to his future remain closed. Without a reliable source of income, he has nowhere to go. He must stew in the pain of a horrific loss, without the ability to turn it into something positive.

Because of the drugs, the shame, the helplessness and the lack of self respect, these mothers treat their children very poorly, calling them all sorts of terrible names, telling their own flesh and blood that they are worthless, and unwanted. These mothers take away any opportunity for a future their child may have had throughout the production of this film.

Do you have a vision for how these children carry themselves? Do you picture rebellious, mean spirited kids? Do you envision scrawny children who look at the ground when they walk, shoulders slumped, shying away from the world?

In watching this documentary, it was the spirit of these kids that blew me away. They were laughing, joking, smiling. They played with excitement, and found joy from such simple things, like standing in the ocean. They loved deeply, and one of the boys said his wish would be to take the other girl out of that environment. He had no regard for his future, his only concern was to see this girl, his friend, have an optimistic road ahead full of hope and opportunity. After the one Mom called her daughter some nasty things, the daughter said she cared for her mother even though she wasn't nice at times - the love for her Mommy was still present.

I didn't see a single tear from any of these kids the entire film, yet I could have easily cried enough for all of them. They talked about wanting to be doctors or artists, but also were accepting of the fact that those types of freedom in their lives were non-existent. Their futures were determined for them, and not one I would wish on anyone.

Where do these kids find joy? They still maintained an innocence, they still had compassion and love. They didn't complain, just stated facts, as though their lives were of a stranger. Their eyes shone when they laughed. They remained composed when debilitating insults were hurtled their way from the person who was supposed to love them the most.

Where do they find hope?
Where do they find laughter in an environment surrounded by fear, heart ache and desperation?
How do they find the strength to live through such uninspired times?
How do they pick themselves up day after day when faced with so much loss?

I cannot answer these questions, but I would love to know, we could learn so much from these children.

Here we are, blessed with the privileges of a Western society, yet I find myself surrounded by self pity, pessimism, and an ability to complain about the most ridiculous things. Sometimes I get so tired of the mindset we live in. I can't stand to be around people who whine about everything. I despise when people say "why me" or "poor me" over something so insanely unimportant in the grand scheme of things.

We seem to have developed a sense of self righteousness that we feel unjust when things don't go our way.

We had to wait too long in line - in a line that ends in us walking out with bags of fresh food that will ensure we are never hungry.

We spent an extra 5 minutes searching for keys - keys to a vehicle which provides us the freedom of control in our own lives.

We had to endure an excessive wait in the ER - for a service that we can obtain for free, from doctors who are educated in what they do

We had to stay home from an event because our child was sick - a child that is a miracle, one that millions of mothers would give their right arm to experience but are unable to

Are you getting my point? I could go on and on with examples for they run rampant it seems, especially on social media sites such as Facebook. People feel the need to air their grievances and whine about every misfortune they came across that day. All I want to do is reach through their computer and shake them, or better yet, transport them to another country - Africa, India, Afghanistan, and let them catch a glimpse of how other people live and what they must face every single day they open their eyes in the morning.

If we all possessed the spirit those children possess, the world would be so full of life, hope and love. We need to stop being so self absorbed and get rid of our entitled attitudes. If a child can endure so much trauma and still come out confident, strong, compassionate and genuine, why can't we when we are so ridiculously privileged in our own lives????

Theirs is a spirit I strive for.

The beginning of life

2011-04-11T22:15:00.000-04:00

This is actually Lily, we never got a picture of the new bean

Hi guys!!

How are you all?

It's 9:30 here and for the first time in a VERY long time, I'm not ready to pack it in for the night. I came home from work and played baseball with Lily, did some art, cleaned up a bit, and cooked dinner. It's so nice to feel like a normal person again, my energy has been completely non existent for the past 14 weeks. I have been riddled with guilt for a few months now as I watch Lily run around playing, asking me to join her and at times I just couldn't. The exhaustion I have experienced this time around has been downright crippling.....my bones, muscles, and every cell in my body has been just plain old tired and not able to function properly.

I am starting to feel the weight lifting and I am so glad to feel like a productive member of life again, and to feel like I am back to being a decent Mommy to Lily.

Another milestone I experienced today trumps this renewed energy tenfold (believe it or not!). I was sitting at my desk at work this afternoon when a very familiar sensation crossed through my stomach. I stopped what I was doing and brought my hand up to my belly. I sat there somewhat dumbfounded, grinning like a fool as I recognized what had just happened - I finally felt the baby moving!

Lily asks me almost every day to listen to the baby's heart. She was with me at the last midwife appointment, and that was when we both heard the heart for the first time. She was mesmerized, and clearly the experience meant something to her. I have a doppler at home, thanks to a good friend who gave me hers, but I try not to listen more than once a week. I love hearing the rapid whoosh sound of our little bean, and the relief it brings me every single time.

Yet this flutter from the baby was even more reassuring to me, and I am so happy this day has come. Our baby is wiggling away in there, he or she is active, and....well....alive. Our baby is alive, his/her heart is beating away and he/she is able to move about in the space that I hope is comfortable and secure.

How amazing.

Nothing else matters. Life is all about these moments, the ones that we forget when in the midst of chaos. I have a living being who appears to be healthy, growing and thriving in an environment only I can provide.

In 6 short months I will be holding a new life, and he or she will in turn, be holding my spirit, and will continue to do so for eternity, even after I am gone from this earth.

The exhaustion doesn't matter.
The nausea no longer matters.
My teenage-like skin doesn't matter.
The war zone my house is currently replicating doesn't matter.

Instead, I have focused on embracing all these challenges that come with the pregnancy, because experiencing all this means that I have a life in me, and whatever I go through for this just isn't a big deal. I am glad for the days I feel like throwing up because that's confirmation that my body is adapting to another life in me.

It all comes back to this, doesn't it? The miracle of life and what an incredible, amazing, powerful gift it is.

Your life too, is a gift. You were once a little bean jumping around in the perfect world, growing and learning, bringing smiles to everyone's faces.
Your life is nothing short of a miracle.
You too, hold at least one other person's soul in your hand.
You too, are loved beyond comprehension.

Don't forget this amongst the insecurity, anger, resentment, confusion, fear, and helplessness that you will inevitably greet in this dysfunctional world we have created.

Don't ever forget that your life is a gift that you need to nurture, respect and appreciate. Are you treating it in such a way?

Nurture yourself. Appreciate who you are. Recognize the wonder that your mere presence in this world is. Treat yourself in a way you would want your child to be treated, and don't forget for one second that your mark is being left on this world in every word that you speak and every action that you take.

Much love,
Rachel

Follow up

2011-03-27T13:50:00.000-04:00

Hey everyone,

You know it's been awhile when it takes you 3 attempts to get your password right!

I hope you are all doing great
I wanted to follow up on my "Confession" post that I wrote back in November. I talked about the miscarriage I had, how devastated I was by it and the lack of support I experienced (from the community, not from you!).

Time heals and now almost five months have gone by. Through the help of friends, stories from other women, my family, and especially my daughter, I feel that part of my life was such a long time ago. I let the experience guide me and lead me to a better place within myself, and it reminded me how precious every moment of our lives are. It once again reinforced to me that we need to be grateful for everything we have when we have it, because everything in our lives are here for a limited amount of time.

The next phase of my life has begun, with a scarred, but open heart.

Thursday March 24 I partially re-lived my experience from October 30. I once again found myself lying on a bed, awaiting the ultrasound tech's news. My heart damn near beat out of my chest and I was gripped by anxiety. Until that point, I was calm and relaxed. The past 12 weeks I felt confident and content that this baby was okay. I hadn't realized how wrong the last pregnancy felt until this one. I had anticipated being a nervous wreck because of the miscarriage, but I was oddly at peace from the minute I found out I was pregnant again.

So there I lay, feeling like I was transported back in time, back in the same nightmare. The girl asked me if I was nervous because I'm sure I looked completely panic stricken. I said yes and briefly explained my last experience, which she seemed to already be aware of.

As soon as she put the wand on my stomach, I stopped breathing and tears formed at the corners of my eyes. Knowing how nervous I was, the lady immediately said to me (which I am so grateful for),

"there's a baby in there, and it has a heart beat."

I will never forget that moment, and I lost my composure before the last word was out of her mouth. It was absolutely one of the most memorable moments of my life and the gratitude and relief overwhelmed my senses. The next 15 minutes or so, this lady captured images, took measurements and did whatever she needed to do. I watched her and took in the constant smile plastered on her face. She laughed out loud a couple times because the baby was showing off his or her gymnastic moves.

She went to get Jeff and as soon as the door closed and the silence took over, my body shook and I just cried. My baby was okay this time. Oh my God, our baby is okay.

Jeff came in and he looked at me and I smiled, a simple smile that shouted "everything is okay!" The screen was turned our way and there was our miracle, what an amazing thing to see. He or she was jumping up and down and I laughed, with tears falling down the sides of my face. We saw the heart beat, we saw the legs, the arms, the hands, everything that makes a baby real - we saw. The lady was talking but I wasn't hearing much, I was just taking in the sight of our baby and I was completely smitten with this very active creature that I can't wait to hold. He or she is perfect already and I wanted to lay in that bed, keeping my eyes on the screen for the next 6 months.

I cannot begin to explain how deep my gratitude goes this time. I am beyond grateful that so far, everything is okay with our baby. I couldn't be more relieved and I am overwhelmed every time I think back to that ultrasound. Wow.

It was such an important day for me, and a few of the close friends I told beforehand messaged me to let me know they were thinking of me and that meant the world to me. I think part of a strong, respectful friendship includes noting the important moments and acknowledging them. Just to know that they remembered and took the time to let me know they were thinking of me, was so touching to me, and I'll never forget it. They understood the significance of this day and for this, they are people who hold a big piece of my heart.

It has been wonderful sharing the news with family and friends, and the joy everyone has for us is amazing. We have wanted to shout the news to the world from day 1 but have kept it close to our hearts and are now so ecstatic to let everyone in.

Our little bean is due October 9, and until he or she comes, I will enjoy every moment of sharing my space with him or her. I feel nauseous most of the day and am so insanely exhausted from noon on (hence the lack of posting on here - I don't have the energy to clean our house, never mind use my brain!). I am glad for how crappy I feel, it reminds me that I am pregnant and that everything is probably okay. I embrace the foggy cloud I have been existing in for almost 3 months now.

So on that note, I have been so excited to share the news with you all! Thank you so much for your constant support and love. Once I hit 15 weeks I'm sure I'll be functioning as a regular person again and will have the energy to write more. I have missed you! Until then, count your blessings and share your love!

XXOO Rachel

Happy Birthday to the most amazing woman I will ever know

2011-03-14T21:37:00.001-04:00

Hey guys,

How are you all?

I kept waking up all night long and had such a restless sleep. I was wondering what my problem was every time I glanced over at the clock to see it wasn't time to get up yet. Then it hit me shortly after waking up for good this morning - today is my Mom's birthday.

She should be 57 today.

It hit me really hard this year, harder than the past few years, and I'm not sure why that is. I brought Lily to daycare in tears, pulled myself together to drop her off and left again in tears. Halfway to work I turned on the radio (from Lily's Sesame Street cd) to the lyrics, "don't you cry tonight, there's a heaven above you baby" (from Guns N' Roses song Don't Cry). This has happened so often since my Mom died - lyrics from songs that seem to speak directly to me at moments I am desperate for comfort. I take these moments as whispers from my Mom, letting me know that she is still here, ready to give me advice whenever I need it. The times I ache inside the most are the times something blatantly obvious strikes me in way that cannot be ignored. That was the case today.

I worked today, which was probably a good thing. After work I stopped by the flower shop as I do every March 14th. I picked out a gorgeous bouquet that I know Mom would have loved. It was mostly purple, which was her favourite colour. There were daisies in it, which were her favourite flower. There was even a little butterfly in it. She once bought me a card with a wind up butterfly in it, so when I opened the card, it would "fly" out. To her, it represented me, and her constant desire to see me spread my wings and fly in this world. It was the perfect bouquet for her.

I refuse to bring flowers to the cemetery. Nobody can enjoy them there, and that is not where my Mom is. Instead, I give the flowers away to someone I think can appreciate them. Normally it's the old age home close by that I bring them to. Today I didn't feel that was the place I wanted to go. Instead, I decided to give them to Lily's daycare provider, Jodi. She's a wonderful woman, and while we don't talk much about our personal lives, I suspect she's going through a lot right now, and I don't think she gets much time to do things for herself.

So I awkwardly brought in a giant bouquet of flowers and sheepishly explained the meaning behind them, all the while fighting back tears that had been threatening to fall the entire day. She said the perfect thing to me. She said "I will think of your Mom every time I look at them." While I felt like a bit of an idiot giving them to her, I knew she was the perfect recipient for them and I know she will enjoy them as my Mom would have.

Jeff came home around 6 so we could go out for dinner to celebrate the day. I thought it might just be Lily and I for dinner, he is so busy this time of year. When I asked if he had time to come, he looked at me like I grew 8 heads, and said "of course." It means the world to me that he recognizes my need to celebrate Mom's birthday. He just gets it.

He surprised me even further by walking in the door with an amazingly beautiful bouquet of flowers:

I put them in a vase my Mom gave me when Jeff and I first moved in together, as a house warming gift:

Perfect. When we got home for dinner, our house smelled like fresh flowers, it was a fabulous greeting.

So, I want to wish my Mommy a very happy birthday. She used to love when I would sing to her on this day, and I long ago adapted the Simpson's version of Happy Birthday:

"Mommy it's your birthday. Happy Birthday Mommy!"

Lily and I went downstairs tonight and I brought out some pictures of my Mom. I talked to Lily about her, told her she was her Grandma, and that she loved her very much and wished she could meet her. Lily stopped playing with her sand box and listened very intently to what I said and looked at the pictures with interest. She said "Grandma" and I asked if she would like to say "Happy Birthday Grandma." She smiled and just squeaked out "happy." Yes Lily, I guess that sums it up doesn't it? That's all Grandma would want, is for me to be happy. It was a nice message. With tears streaming down my face, it hit me again that Lily and my Mom won't get the opportunity to meet. At least not in this lifetime or on this earth. And that hurts me so much more than I will ever be able to express.

There are things in this world without substance that have power over us because we allow them to. For me, that's today, and the date of Mom's death. Really all today is is another day right? It's March 14th, no big deal. Yet the entire day has threatened to break me down and crumble with each reminder. I have allowed this date to possess my spirit. It's one of few days I allow myself to really remember and reflect. Surprisingly, it hasn't gotten any easier over the years, but I owe it to my Mom to keep her spirit alive and to celebrate her birthday in small ways. Because this is what she would appreciate....and today is all about her.

XXOO

"Promise me you'll never forget me because if I thought you would, I'd never leave" ~ Winnie the Pooh

Which superpower?

2011-03-06T20:43:00.000-05:00

Hey guys,

Whew, what a weekend! I hope yours was a little less eventful than mine!

When I was young, my friends and I always talked about which superpower we would want. I always wavered between wanting to fly and wanting to be invisible. I'd love to be able to just jump up in the air and quickly get to wherever I wanted to go. I could travel the world for cheap and see things I otherwise wouldn't have the opportunity to see. On the other hand, I would also love to be invisible. How interesting would it be to just walk into rooms or houses and see what's going on (alright, that sounds a bit creepy). You might want the ability to travel to the future and bring back lottery numbers. Maybe you want superhuman strength or to be able to walk through walls.

Well today I figured out the superpower I want above any other. I want the ability to take away my daughters illness/discomfort/pain/heartache and whatever else causes her to be anything less than joyful and content with her world. She is so sick right now and my heart has been aching all day for her. She very suddenly caught a nasty cold last night and the entire night ended up being a write off. She woke around 10:30 and wanted to sleep in her big girl bed with me, so off we went. She kept coughing and sneezing and could not settle down. 11:15 came and she insisted we go downstairs to watch Elmo. I knew we wouldn't be sleeping anyway, might as well do something half interesting. So we stayed downstairs watching t.v. and eating a snack until 12:30. We slept until 3:30 and the poor thing woke up crying and screaming, telling me she needed ice for her boo-boo while pointing to her dripping nose. The entire day was the same torture for her - sneezes, coughs, dripping nose, watering eyes. She had a bit of a fever on and off too. Tonight after dinner I gave her some tylenol and cough medicine and she ended up throwing up shortly after. I don't know if any of the medicine stayed in her system or not, but I didn't want to risk giving her too much so I just left it as it was.

My poor little girl would cough or sneeze and look at me and just start to cry. It was obvious that she felt completely terrible - how could I explain to her that there was nothing I could do for her? I would trade places with her in a second if I could, but for whatever reason, Moms aren't given that ability. What a ripoff. If I designed Mommies, I would equip every one of us with the power to take on our child's illness for themselves whenever we want.

I cannot imagine watching your child fight a serious or life threatening condition. Lily has a bad cold and I feel like I'm in shambles because I'm watching her suffer. I hope and pray that I never have to experience what I know some of you have....how the heck would I function if this were really serious? The feeling of helplessness when it comes to our children can be down right crippling. We are Mommies, we're supposed to be able to fix things, heal people, pick up the pieces and solve every problem we encounter. When we face a situation we can't control or help, we feel lost, guilty and overwhelmed and aren't sure how to deal with our lack of ability to "fix." I guess I shouldn't generalize for women, but this is the way I am. I grew up being the mediator in our family, and the one trying to solve everyone else's dilemmas. I absolutely hate not having the answers or the capacity to fix. And when it comes to Lily, my feelings of helplessness are increased a hundred fold and at the end of the day when I know I couldn't do much to make her feel better, I feel like I'm not fulfilling my role as a Mommy. It will take time (or maybe never, this is more likely the reality for me) to come to the realization that I can't align Lily's stars, or put all the pieces of her life together for her. There will be things I can't control, or fix, and I guess that's a more realistic image of what makes a Mommy......that doesn't mean I have to like it or believe in it!

So this is the superpower I want more than any other. If you are (or know) the person who distributes powers, let me know. At this point I'm about ready to sell my soul for Lily to feel no more discomfort.

Where is the support?

2011-03-02T20:26:00.000-05:00

Hey guys,

How are you all? Can you believe it's March? I have been loving the sunshine, and if I blast the heat in my car, I can almost convince myself that it's spring! Just around the corner, I know it...

I came across this article tonight entitled "Baby Loss Depression Lasts Years." There was a study done in England in regards to the anxiety and depression levels of women who have had a miscarriage. It was noted that levels of anxiety and depression were higher for these women in subsequent pregnancies (obviously!), but more importantly, that they remained higher for up to three years after the birth of a healthy baby.

Is this surprising to you?

I often talk about my Mom and the impact her death had on me. It has been almost 7 years since she passed away and the level of devastation I feel from her death still runs deep in my soul, and I know that for the rest of my life, I will continue to cry for her, miss her, and feel a little less than whole without her here. That's just the way it is, and I have come to terms with the fact that I will forever ache for her presence.

It has been just over four months since I found out baby #2 was no longer alive in my body, and I know that this loss too, will forever be with me. Yes, the loss has been different. I don't have a face to picture when I'm desperate to hang on to the memory. I don't hear a laugh, or miss the snuggles, or envision the soulful depth possessed by his or her eyes. I don't have a vision of any sort with the baby, for I never had the opportunity to lay my eyes on him or her. I never had the chance to spend any time with the baby, his or her life was cut far too short.

I met with a nurse a few weeks ago, who was introduced to me through a friend. She is doing research on early miscarriage and what women go through emotionally and spiritually. I am not entirely sure what her plan is with the results of her research, but I think what she's doing is fabulous.

She was at my house for 90 minutes and it was my opportunity to talk about everything I felt and experienced, and it was so liberating. She listened and understood, and had me dig deeper when she could sense there was more to be said. She would compare what I said to what other women had also said, such as the deep seated feelings of guilt. She told me she had interviewed a woman who had a miscarriage 20 years ago and talking about it still brought her to tears so many years later.

Part of the issue I think is how personal pregnancy is to women. Bearing and delivering children is a privilege we, as women, have. When we are unable to do what should be a natural process for us, we feel like a failure and feel a bit lost, wondering what the heck use we are in the world (I'm totally speaking for myself here, but can assume I'm not the only one). We feel guilty for not being able to protect our baby. That's the most important role a mother has - to protect our children and ensure their safety. When we fail at that, the guilt all but eats us alive.

Another reason I think we harbor so much pain for so long is the lack of resources available to women who have had a miscarriage. This lady asked me why I didn't reach out for help and my response was "I had no idea where to turn." I don't hear of group therapy or support groups for miscarriage survivors. I have never heard of any type of assistance for this, nor was I directed to any resources when I had my miscarriage. I didn't get a follow up appointment after my D&C. I was told about the miscarriage over the phone, nobody called me in to talk or see how I was feeling emotionally. All I got was a pamphlet in the mail a couple weeks after the fact that was written many years ago. It consisted of facts, statistics and statements like "you may be angry." Mumbo jumbo that was not going to help me understand my emotions or allow me to feel connected to anyone else in the world.

1 in 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage. In other words, women everywhere have been (or will go) through this, it is so ridiculously common. Yet as I mentioned before, why the heck does nobody talk about it? It's an emotional event that affects women for extended periods of time (perhaps a lifetime?). Why aren't there support groups? Why aren't women encouraged to speak with other women in a similar situation? Why doesn't anyone take the time to acknowledge and sympathize with these women?

One thing I said in the interview was that during my time in the hospital, having our baby removed from my body, all I really needed was for someone to say "I'm sorry for your loss." Instead, I was wheeled around, carted in and out of rooms and stuck in a corner while the nurses swooned over pictures of a brand new baby on the computer only feet away from me. I just wanted my loss, and the life of my baby, to be acknowledged. When people failed to at least say "I'm sorry," it felt like they were saying "your baby's life didn't mean anything, it's not important enough to talk about."

I hope in the future that women find a place to turn to so they don't feel so alone. I hope women don't feel they have to sweep their emotions under the carpet for lack of support in the community. It's time we lay it all on the table, share our emotions and fears, and connect with others so we are able to move forward with a lighter heart and softer soul.

That is my hope.

The gap you left.

2011-02-24T21:54:00.000-05:00

Hey guys,

How are you? I realize I have been MIA a lot the past month or two, but I'm hoping to turn that around. I have a lot going on right now in my life and haven't managed to scour up enough energy to devote to writing. Gasp, I know.

I was up late last night writing a letter to Lily, it has been a couple months since the last time I wrote to her and felt the urge to speak to her future self again. It was emotional, and while I wrote I listened to meaningful songs (Somewhere over the Rainbow, Don't Wanna Miss a Thing, Green Apples) and cried. In that moment, I missed my Mom more than I have allowed myself to in the last few years. I opened up my spirit to Lily and in doing so, my vulnerability let in the spirit of my Mom.

I don't know why some days the grief hits me like a ton of bricks, but that's the truth behind losing someone you love so much. It gets pushed aside so life can go on, and when you are still enough to remember, the agony is just as real as it was from the first day of your "new life." So I cried, and let myself miss my Mommy. I miss her presence. I miss her unending love. I miss her hugs. I miss her playful spirit. I miss her fierce stubborn streak. I miss knowing that she is by my side through whatever it is I go through.

Since having Lily, I have come to realize that there is no love in this world as pure, intense, deep, and enduring as a mother's. There isn't a thing I wouldn't do for my daughter. I would saw my arm off with a butter knife if that would help her somehow, and I would do so without hesitation. It has been the past 19 months of experiencing motherhood that I have really come to understand what I am lacking in my own life.

Of course I have always known that my Mom loved me without expectation or conditions. I have known that she would do anything for me, and was only happy when I was. I have known that she was by my side to cheer me on or hold me up depending on the circumstance. But it is only recently that I have really come to understand what I am missing out on, and that makes me feel alone at times. I miss the comfort of someone knowing me fully and completely without having to censor myself. I miss telling her everything, no matter how mortifying it may be to tell anyone else. I miss so much, and in the complete joy I have in raising Lily, it also brings about this obvious lack in my life.

Lily has a Nana, a Gran, a Great Grandma......what about my Mom? What would Lily have called her? It tears me apart to know that Lily will never know my Mom. She will never experience her spirit. My Mom will never look into my daughter's eyes. I will never witness the love between the two of them, I know it would have been powerful. My Mom has never laid eyes on my daughter, and that gap in my life is a big one, and one that I am always aware of.

I am going to start showing Lily pictures of my Mom, and will talk about her as much as I can. I hope the stories I tell her give her a vague idea of the person she was, and I hope she can sense her spirit with us always. I don't want my Mom to be an unknown to my daughter. They have been the 2 greatest loves of my life, and I have this need to connect them in whatever way I can. Lily will know her Grandma. Not the way I want her to, but she will. She has to, there isn't another option for me.

When someone so close to us dies, their death isn't a one time event. It is a continual happening. It affects us every day, every year, and as I have learned, it affects generations. It changes who we are, and in turn, will develop the children we raise differently than otherwise would have.

This all hit me hard last night. I'm not sure why it has hit me all over again. Maybe it's because Lily is really evolving into her own person that makes me reflect on my own Mom. Maybe it's because March is approaching, the month of Mom's birthday, a day I used to spend scheming up thoughtful things I could do for her so that she would cry tears of joy (and then mock her relentlessly for always crying). Whatever it is, I was really very emotional last night. I chatted to my Mom, and let her know how much easier things would be for me if I could just have confirmation that she heard me when I talked to her, so I would know I wasn't completely alone in this world without the love of my Mom.

I was listening to Chantal Kreviazuk's Far Away and the words hit me hard,
"Let me know that you made it as far as forever,
let me know that you hear what I cry if you can.
You're far away from me.
You're far away from me.
You're far away from me.
Come a little closer....just a little.....
Let me know heaven sees, shines on life, our memories."

I went to bed late and woke up less than an hour later to Lily crying in her room. I went to comfort her, and she insisted we sleep in her big girl bed. She snuggled me, and just wanted to be close. Maybe this was the universe reminding me that I am not alone and that someone in this world loves me simply the way I am.

I went to visit a friend this morning and had the radio down low in the car so I could listen to Lily chatting away to herself. I decided I wanted a muffin, so I got into the very long drive thru line. The second I stopped, Lily stopped chatting, and I heard the very beginning of a faint familiarity of a long forgotten beat on the radio that I hadn't heard in at least a year:

It is a song I adopted very shortly after my Mom's death as "our song" and it has huge significance to me. There are lines I feel could easily be my words to her, and there are words I know she would say to me if given the chance.

I wondered if this song, which came at the perfect moment was a reminder that she is always, and will always be, with me. I feel her everywhere I go and for that, I am grateful and proud.

With everything I am, I hope there is life after death, and that my Mom continues to cheer me on with my victories and hold me up when I have lost my strength. Until then, as long as I am on this earth, I will make sure her spirit lives on.

What women want for Valentines

2011-02-14T21:34:00.000-05:00

Happy Valentines Day everyone!

I hope your day has been full of love and appreciation!

Or....if you're married, you at least had a spouse acknowledge the date!

We didn't do anything this year. We ordered dinner in on Saturday night and claimed that to be our Valentine's celebration, and it was fabulous! Valentines isn't about gifts and money spent (though we don't complain about it, do we?) We went out for dinner one year on this day and waited about four hours to get a table. We ended up drinking so much that by the time we got our very fancy dinner, neither of us had an appetite. So we usually go out to eat on a day close to Valentines, but avoid the actual day.

I would rather Jeff come home and give me a gift, or take me out unexpectedly on a random day. Spontaneity is more meaningful to me, rather than feeling obligated to do something on a set day.

While I don't represent every woman in the world, what I think we really want is to have our efforts acknowledged and to be appreciated in some unique way. Let me give you an example using someone else.

Lily goes to daycare, and the second I met her care provider, I knew she would be the one to care for Lily. It was obvious to me that she takes pride in her work. Her entire basement is set up for the daycare, with various centers, and a ton of age appropriate activities and educational material available. The woman herself is patient, follows through with discipline, dedicated to her profession and full of love for the kids in her care. She exudes confidence in her skills, and doesn't question what she does or how she interacts with the kids. And she loves Lily.

Anyways, I love the woman. She is wonderful with Lily and Lily loves her. She comes up with such creative art activities, she does educational routines for them, and clearly spends a ton of time printing things out, researching art projects, and ensuring they have a variety of new things to experience. Her efforts are clear to me. She doesn't take shortcuts in her work to collect a quick paycheck, she puts her heart into her job. And when her job involves my child, I am ridiculously grateful to her and her dedication.

So I bought a Valentines card for her, a $15 gift card to Shoppers and a few scratch tickets. Inside I wrote "Hope you have a wonderful day. Thank you for all you do." I signed it "Lily." Simple but to the point. Well by the time I got home from picking Lily up, I had a message on my machine, and it was from this lady. She said she couldn't wait to thank me, and that she had teared up when reading the card. She said it is her pleasure to watch Lily and proceeded to thank me again (and again). It was a longish message which oozed with gratitude. How wonderful. A cheap, and very simple act on my part just brought so much joy to another person. I took the time to acknowledge what she does and thanked her, and it was like I just bought her a house.

People just want to feel appreciated.

And when we show gratitude toward other peoples acts, it makes them want to give of themselves even more. I wanted to call this woman and ramble on about how much I appreciate her time and effort and love for my daughter, and let her know that I realize how hard she works. I would love to send her on a spa trip because I don't think she gets enough time for herself. I want to do more because she so much appreciated such a simple thing. Sometimes though, the simplest things cause the greatest impact.

I can't just assume someone realizes my appreciation for the things they do, and this has been a great lesson. Taking time to even give someone a short note thanking them, is enough. We don't need to perform lavish acts to get our point across - an acknowledgment and thank you can express your gratitude far better than anything money can buy.

(unless your name is Jeff - then don't hesitate to bring home a gift any random day, actions speak louder than words)

Come on, that was funny.

What has your favourite Valentines gift been over the years?
I came across these two quotes and they made me smile, hope they do the same for you!

"If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?" ~ Author unknown

"I wanted to make it really special on Valentine's day, so I tied my boyfriend up. And for three solid hours I watched whatever I wanted on TV." ~ Author Unknown

Overcoming not so fun circumstances

2011-02-12T20:44:00.001-05:00

Just want to scream?

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaack!

I can't believe it's been a week since I last wrote! Things around my neck of the woods have been falling apart. I'm pretty sure February came along and decided my life was looking a little boring, so it decided to spice things up and bring me some excitement. After I wrote about having a bad day, our microwave broke, my car needed to be taken in, and my computer got a virus (amongst various other frustrations). My computer was fixed last night and here I am, so glad to have it back and healthy!

February has not been an easy month so far, so I thought it would be an appropriate time to talk about seeing the good through the bad. So I will make a list of some of the bigger annoyances I have come across the past few weeks and attempt to see the positives of each.

1. My car got stuck in the snow. And by snow I mean our driveway.

- I am more aware when I back out of the driveway
- Jeff got to feel like a man by using his tow rope and pulling me out with his truck
- Our neighbor across the street just got stuck in his driveway tonight. I'm sure he felt much more comforted about the situation when Jeff explained that I got stuck last week too
- I reinforced with Lily the meaning of the word "stuck," nothing like expanding her vocabulary!

2. Our microwave broke (and is still broken)

- I have had to step outside my box a bit in creating things without it
- I learned that spaghetti re-heated in a frying pan is way better than in a microwave (thanks Sue!)
- Jeff has been able to enjoy more homemade pizza than usual
- Jeff got to feel like a man by carrying our old (piece of crap) microwave up from the basement

3. My computer got a virus

- Jeff's cousin Scott came over and was able to feel useful by fixing it for me (I'm always thinking of others!)
- I was able to empathize with the agony of withdrawal. I was just starting to twitch uncontrollably when I pulled out my old laptop, which I'm glad we kept
- I now have a new virus scanner and was shown how to use it - nothing like empowerment

4. My favourite earrings and necklace broke

- I have the opportunity to wear a variety of earrings now, rather than wearing the same ones
- I've realized it's time to purchase some more jewelry, which is always a good thing

5. Our furnace stopped working

- I REALLY learned to appreciate our fireplace
- I learned how to reignite our pilot light (wasn't the problem)
- I learned what an "intake" is, and where. I cleaned it up and fixed the problem, I love when I can fix things! (thanks Ron!)
- This cost me nothing!

6. My car needed to be taken in today

- it only needed a belt to tighten something up, nothing major
- I was able to sit there while they fixed it, instead of finding a ride, and Lily was happy for the new experience
- It only cost me $44!
- I learned to fix problems before they become big problems with my car. I saved money by bringing it in as soon as I knew something wasn't right

7. One of our best friends suffered a serious head trauma (see last post)

- He was released Thursday and is doing amazing!
- He reminded us all how quickly things can happen and hopefully brought about gratitude and appreciation for health and life
- He is healthy, and doesn't seem to be affected by everything that happened, which in itself is a miracle.
- Jeff bought a helmet for snowboarding finally

Sometimes it's damn near impossible to see anything positive when in the midst of chaos. The past couple weeks have been completely full of annoyances, things going wrong and my roots being yanked up by some unseen force. The fog seems to be lifting a bit so I can now look back and start focusing on the good things from it all. As you can see, sometimes it's a stretch. A really big stretch, but this is a great tool to use when you're having a hard time separating your happiness from your ever changing (and not always for the better) environment. There's always something to thank or to be grateful for, no matter how crappy everything seems.

I hope you are all having a wonderful weekend so far! We are taking Lily to the Sabres game tomorrow afternoon, she's going to have a blast!

"We cannot direct the wind, but we can adjust the sails" ~ Author Unknown

Having a bad day?

2011-02-05T15:10:00.001-05:00

Hey everyone,

How are you? Hope you're doing great and getting a good start to the weekend. I keep forgetting it's the weekend, Jeff is already working 7 days a week so my days kind of blend together.

My day yesterday kind of sucked. It started actually through the night with getting barely any sleep. Lily's monitor keep making crazy noises, Lily kept waking up making lots of noise, and the wind was shaking our house. I wanted to get up early but I was so exhausted that I kept re-setting my alarm, so it wasn't until about 7:20 that I got up, and hit the ground running. I had about 35 minutes to get dressed, brush my teeth, get Lily up, change her, brush her teeth, feed her breakfast, get her daycare stuff ready, get Jeff's lunch ready and our Green Monsters ready - yikes! The plan was to drive Lily to daycare, meet Jeff at the dealership so he could leave his truck there to get some work done, drive Jeff to work, come back home, clean up, get ready and head to work for the afternoon.

I finally made it into my car, with seconds to spare, and watched Jeff drive away. I reversed to follow suit and came to an abrupt stop. I put the car into drive and the stupid thing wouldn't move. Put it in reverse with the same result. It was official - I was stuck in the snow. In our freaking driveway. I opened my door to get out and assess how stuck I was when I realized my door wouldn't open, that's how close I was to the snowbank. Whoops. I scrounged through my purse to find my phone and do what I normally do in emergency situations, called my very patient, loving and always willing to lend a hand, husband to bail me out. He didn't pick up and I immediately went into panic mode - now what?! I tried again and thankfully he answered.

"Ummm hi, I'm stuck in the snow. In our driveway."

*pause*

*deep breath in*

"ok"

*click*

Ho hum. A minute later Jeff's truck turned the corner and I could hear the angels singing - here comes my savior! Are saviors supposed to look like they want to punch their damsel in distress in the face? After multiple attempts to push me out, he ended up having to tow me out with his truck. I was focused on manevouring my car around the snow and happened to glance in the back mirror to see Jeff frantically waving his arms. Crap, he had stopped....but my car was still going backwards. I slammed on my brakes and narrowly missed hitting his truck. How is it possible to reverse rear end someone?

He then realized he had dirt on his shirt, which followed by a select few curse words as he had to go inside to change. I almost got stuck again on my way out. I guess Jeff heard my tires spin because he whipped around and gave me a look that said "you get stuck again, divorce papers will be drawn up this afternoon."

Off to daycare we went, and I wasn't really looking forward to meeting Jeff right after, but of course I did, trying to pretend I didn't just ruin both our mornings. On the way there, I moved his lunch bag to the back seat, I wouldn't want to heat up his lunch by being under the air vent. Just trying to be a courteous wife. Well when Jeff went to get in the car, he grabbed his box of green tea to avoid stepping on it and it was dripping with green goo. Apparently I didn't close the lid to his travel mug and the Green Monster I had packed in the side of his lunch bag spilled everywhere. Oh dear. Another deep breath from Jeff.

That all happened before 9:00, it sure didn't set the best tone for the day. The rest of the day came and went and consisted of only a few interesting additions:

- I was cut off by an old man coming out of Tim Hortons and had to slam on the brakes (they got a great work out yesterday)
- I played dodgeball with the grade 3's I was teaching that afternoon, and threw the ball in a not so nice area on one of the boys...whoops....and then another boy felt the need to yell "Mrs. N, you hit him right in the nuts!"
- I kept playing and ended up hitting a boy right in the face, he went down like a ton of bricks and cried for awhile. I quit playing after that one. It's not my fault these kids are so short, right?
- I got angry later and kicked the garbage can, the contents flew all into open cupboard and the can dented about halfway in. Isn't stainless steel supposed to be durable? This ensued an angry Jeff. Again. Or maybe still.

I went to bed at 9:30 exhausted from little sleep the night before and a day of energy draining happenings. I just wanted to put an end to the day and start again.

I woke up today and early this afternoon found out a very good friend of ours fell down some stairs last night, was airlifted to the hospital, had emergency brain surgery and is currently in a medically induced coma.

My day yesterday sounds like it was a pretty good day after all.

Please send any positive thoughts and prayers you have to this friend of ours, he is like family to us and we desperately want him to get better and return to the healthy, happy person he was only yesterday.

Remember how quickly and unexpectedly tragedy can happen - use your time this weekend to tell the people close to you what they mean to you, and never take their presence in your life for granted.

And if your day seems like the pits, keep things in perspective, and remember just how awesome it is that you even have the ability to experience the day, no matter how shitty it seems.

Bad advice

2011-02-03T22:08:00.001-05:00

Hey everyone!

How are you all? I have been good, busy and exhausted, but good. Sleep hasn't come easily these days so I have been left a zombie during the day. I am looking forward to the weekend, and considering sweet talking Jeff into getting up with Lily one of the mornings. Oh the good old days of laying in bed until I felt like getting up!

My Grandpa recently forwarded me a post for my blog titled "Amazingly Easy Home Remedies" - I can't find the source, so if you find it, please let me know! It got me thinking about the worst advice I have received in life, I came up with a couple:

- When I was pregnant, a woman told me to take a pill with cows colostrum inside. The purpose? To prevent the baby from "sucking my brain cells." Yep, I'm serious, and so was she!

- Actually any advice when I was pregnant. For some reason, people think that the way they do things and the way they raise their baby is the right way. Even now, advice on how to raise Lily infuriates me.

- To be practical in life. Instead of following my heart, people have wanted me to follow what made the most sense. In that process, I wasted money, energy and years chasing after something that hasn't fulfilled me.

- When I dropped out of college to take the next year and a half off, people told me I would never go back and that it was a terrible idea. Kids are so young when they graduate high school, how could they possible know what they want to do with the rest of their lives? I don't think it's a negative thing to take a step back from the "normal" process to evaluate what you want

Any other bad advice I have received has been buried, that's all I can come up with for now. I have found that negative or narrow minded advice has come from people not in a good place in their own life. Although I'm sure I have given out some bad advice myself. Once upon a time I used to diagnose Jeff when he had physical issues, and some of the advice I gave to fix his problems wasn't the greatest. He likes to hold on to this memory and throw it out there every now and then! What's the worst advice you have heard?

Here are the home remedies my Grandfather passed on to me to share with you, my favourite is #5!

(1) Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables – get someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

(2) Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat – use the sink.

(3) For high blood pressure sufferers – simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

(4) A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

(5) If you have a bad cough take a large dose of laxatives – then you’ll be afraid to cough.

(6) You only need two tools in life – WD-40 and duct tape – if it doesn’t move use the WD-40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape.

(7) If you can’t fix it with a hammer, it must be an electrical problem.

I found another to add on as #8:
(8) Some people are like slinkies, not really good for anything, but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.

Good night everyone, can you believe it's Friday already tomorrow? I don't know about you, but this week has flown by!

The month of love!

2011-02-01T22:14:00.000-05:00

Hi everyone!

I feel like I have been MIA quite a bit these days, I have missed you! I hope you are all doing awesome!

So it's February - crazy isn't it? Wasn't it just Christmas like a week ago? I won't complain though, I love new months. I love new years, new months, new weeks and new days. We always have a chance to start fresh, but some people take it more seriously when there is a new beginning involved. My new beginning is in every day, but every month I try to re-evaluate my goals and desires. I like the 4 week blocks that a month provides.

I have been really focusing on my nutrition for the past few weeks and have been feeling great. I feel like I'm finally back on track with clean eating and my cravings for pop, salt and sugar have been reduced dramatically! It's amazing how quickly my taste buds adapt to healthy foods, clearly a sign that my body knows what is best for me. I made a decision a few weeks back to cut seafood out of my diet, which has been an extremely easy process for me. I cut red meat out 13 years ago, and poultry about 7 and a half years ago. I didn't eat much fish anyway, so committing to excluding it from my diet was easy and natural.

I had quick drinking pop for many months and started drinking a coke a day after my miscarriage back in October. It wasn't long before I was craving one every night. I haven't had that desire for at least a couple weeks now, and it has probably been at least that long since I have had pop. My replacement has been Green Monsters, herbal tea and water. I have cut sugar right out of my diet again, with rare exceptions (like a handful of chocolate chips the other night). Instead, I have started cooking clean treats that satisfy my need at night to eat sweet foods.

I baked something yesterday from my favourite blog, Oh She Glows. I have used a bunch of her recipes in the past but when this one came out of the oven and I bit into it while it was still warm, two words entered my mind: "Holy." "Shit." I probably even said them out loud. It blew my mind, and I am completely head over heels obsessed with these things, which she calls "Oil Free Apple Pie Muffin Tops" (cute right?)They are absolutely incredible and definitely quenches my sweet tooth. There is no butter or sugar in them either. You can find the recipe, as well as her perfect picture, here. I warn you though, addiction will ensue!

I have been experimenting more and more in the kitchen and have been having a blast. Eating cleanly really isn't that difficult, once you realize the staples you should have in your kitchen and once you start working with new recipes. Ensuring you have a variety in your diet, as well as alternatives to the junk, will ensure success. I hope to try new recipes on a more regular basis, which I will share with you, as well as pictures. I wanted to take a picture of the muffin tops, but they didn't last very long, and the only one currently sitting in the kitchen isn't the cutest thing I have ever seen!

So what are my goals for February?

- One of my goals for the month is to spend 7 days (non consecutive) eating a vegan diet. Obviously the no meat aspect of it is already taken care of, but I will also need to cut out my favourites - cheese (gulp!), yogurt, butter (GULP - I am a huge butter lover). I already drink soy milk so the milk part doesn't matter. I don't think I'll have an issue at home, but I have to be more mindful when I eat out somewhere. I have to think about whether or not there is butter or milk in some things when ordinarily it wouldn't cross my mind. By the way, did you see Oprah today? She had a vegan challenge for her staff and it was a pretty good show, minus the slaughter house footage....shudder....

- I also want to bake/cook more, and freeze what I bake so I have healthy "go to" snacks, which will decrease the chances of me turning to something quick and unhealthy when I need that quick fix.

- I want to make use of our treadmill more often and take at least 3 yoga classes (I have 3 left of the package I bought after my miscarriage).

- I want to come up with fun, creative ideas of things I can do with Lily. Sometimes I feel like I don't do enough fun stuff with her, I'm not a crafty person at all, so it's easy for me to forget about the importance of nurturing her creative side.

- I will be donating a giant box of used clothing and hope to collect food and other items for the local animal shelter this month.

- Make more money this month than last month. Let's just say, this shouldn't be too hard!

- Start getting things in order for my big Fundraiser in June

Those are some of the major things I want to tackle in February, and it's a short month so I have no time to lose!

What are your goals this month?

Reflecting vs. Dwelling

2011-01-28T13:54:00.000-05:00

Thank God it's Friday! I am SO looking forward to the weekend ahead. It all starts tonight with a get together with a bunch of friends for a Norwex party. Surrounded by food, my favorite cleaning stuff (dork alert!) and great company, yay!

I taught this morning, I was in for the French teacher. The last period I had grade 7/8, which were a fantastic group of kids. I am fairly familiar with them but there was someone new in the class whom I hadn't the opportunity to meet before.

With 10 minutes left of my day, I asked this boy to clean something up for me. I was met with immediate defense and anger, as he thought I was blaming him for the mess. I wasn't alluding to that, it just seemed he was bored and needed to be redirected to something else because his behaviour was starting to go downhill. After a short discussion, he flat out refused, at which point he finally managed to focus on the task at hand and started getting something done. What to do? A boy sitting next to him just got up, rolled his eyes and cleaned up the mess for him, which was great. There are times I'm not sure how to handle a situation, and it's even more challenging if I'm not familiar with the child, not knowing what will work and what to avoid. Turns out this boy is in foster care and has a multitude of issues, which I suspected a few of. Had I known that, I would have used a different approach.

So I was driving home a short while later and the entire time I thought about the situation, what I did and what I could have or should have done instead. I was feeling frustrated and annoyed, and realized my emotions were high much longer than they should have been. I took a breath and whispered "quit dwelling on it Rachel!" (us women love to dwell, don't we?)

So what is the difference between reflecting & dwelling and which is better?

Reflecting is a positive and efficient task, while dwelling is negative and prevents you from moving forward. When you reflect on a time or action, you are stepping back and seeing the situation from an outside perspective. It doesn't require emotion, just an open attitude to see all sides. Reflecting is a great tool to assess what was right/wrong or good/bad about something from the past. This is your opportunity to learn. What did you do right? What could you have improved? How did you feel? What could have happened to make you feel better? What were the consequences? Were you proud of how you handled yourself? Are you ashamed of what took place? You are an observer, simply taking mental notes without judgment or emotions. This is how you learn and grow from even what seems like a very negative experience. You reflect on it and decide what needs to change. Logic and reasoning take precedence over anything else.

When we dwell, we are allowing a situation to control us. Like today, I was still angry and frustrated long after I should have been. I replayed the scenario over and over again. I missed the beauty around me and a chance to smile because I was so intent on dwelling on what should have already been the past. Our emotions take over and affect us negatively and we are unable to move forward until we can let go of it. It is never worth your energy, well-being or happiness to dwell on something that is over. Instead, figure out what was good, and what needs to change so that the next time you find yourself in such a situation, the outcome will be different and you will leave with very different emotions.

Dwelling is living in the past and prevents you from moving ahead.
Reflecting is giving yourself the benefit of moving ahead with your best foot forward.

What are you dwelling on right now?

Have a FABULOUS weekend!!

Expectations vs. Standards

2011-01-27T21:32:00.000-05:00

Hi everyone!

Can I just say I cannot wait for the weekend!?!? I have lots of friend/family time booked this weekend and I so need it.

I was craving junk food the other night and scoured the house for something that would satisfy my need for salty, crunchy food. I eyed up the container of goldfish Lily had left on the table, and decided that would suffice. So I dug in and relished in the satisfaction of quenching my craving. That bliss was quickly squashed by a foreign object in my mouth.....a raisin! Where the heck did that come from? I was completely grossed out and quit eating after that incident.

I actually don't mind raisins, so why was I disgusted by them at this time?

It's all about expectations. I was expecting a salty, crunchy cracker, instead I encountered a chewy, soft, sweet raisin, and because this taste wasn't aligned with my expectation, I was disappointed.

How often are you disappointed?

Disappointment comes about when we expect one thing and get another. The reality doesn't mesh with our desire. So what can you do to avoid this? I have read lots of books and heard people echo the advice of "don't have any expectations." Simple right? To be honest, I'm not sure it's entirely possible to let go of expectations completely. It's a natural occurrence for humans, to go into a situation, or be in a relationship with certain ideas of how it should go.

When Jeff comes home and I anticipate that he will scoop Lily up and take her for half an hour to spend quality time with her and he doesn't, I am disappointed. In his mind, he might want to eat or relax after a busy day of work. Our expectations don't meet and one of us ends up feeling let down.

When I apply to a job and envision what I will say during an interview, how I will sell myself, and I don't even get a call for one, I feel a bit crushed.

When I am publicly going through a difficult time and a good friend doesn't acknowledge it, or minimizes the experience, I am hurt.

How can we avoid being disappointed? Is it possible to let go of expectations? Should we just lower them?

It takes me a lot to be angry with, or disappointed in people I care about. Let's be honest, the ones who disappoint us are the same ones we love right? The people we aren't connected with don't affect us because they don't possess a piece of our heart. I don't have many expectations for my friends and family, but that doesn't mean I am not disappointed. Last year when I had the fundraiser for my Mom and nobody from my family came, I was very hurt and yes, disappointed. I had expected their support, especially when I saw how much support I received from Jeff's family. It was after the anger settled that I reviewed my past with them. It was quickly clear to me that the history with them never did entail supporting me or taking actions to show their love for me. It was then I not only let go of my expectations of them, but I also decided to cut a few of them out of my everyday, active life.

Expectations differ from standards. Setting standards means deciding what you will not accept in your life. Having expectations means concocting a preconceived image of what will happen. Don't get the two confused. Have standards does not mean having expectations nor is the opposite true.

My standards seem to be a work in progress. I decide what I will and will not accept from other people in my life and if they consistently fall under that bar, then they will not be an active member in my life. This isn't a regular occurrence because I don't feel my standards require much from another person - respect, honesty, wanting what is best for me, and being happy for me...really, truly happy. The more I grow and better myself, the more solid and meaningful my standards have become, and the more inspiring, beautiful, amazing people have entered my life.

Since my Mom died, I have let go of many expectations I had. Putting things in perspective really mellowed me. At the time, the worst thing that could have happened, did. Not too many other things could have come close to reaching that level of pain. In your life, you must also consider "what if." What if your dream doesn't come true? What if your relationship doesn't work? Will you be okay? Of course you will be! Do you have the energy to spare to continue being hurt, angry, resentful and disappointed? Let go, and trust the process of life. Keep your standards high, and expectations low (I just mean quit playing everything out in your mind - go with the flow and go into a situation with an open mind) and your self worth separate from people and things. Your self worth is yours, it is IN you, it cannot be found outside.

Yes, I still have dreams, I still put work into the things I want. I envision what I want and hope for things to work out a certain way. Yet when they don't turn out how I want them to, I try telling myself that it's okay, it's not meant to be and then I need to move on. It's hard to not get emotions wrapped up in external events, but once you are able to cut those ties, you are more at peace and able to fully control your happiness and level of joy.

What will you not accept in your life? Those who disappoint you over and over....are your expectations of them unrealistic? Or are they falling short of your standards? Either you need to change your standards, or quit investing so much of yourself in someone else. This does not mean you need to care less for them or distance yourself, it just means to stop allowing other people's actions to affect you.

Good night everyone, I hope this weekend will allow you to recharge and connect with who you are!

In one word

2011-01-24T21:31:00.000-05:00

Happy Monday everyone!

I had a wonderful morning visiting my best friend and her 4 day old baby boy, Jacob. Bliss. He was beautiful and perfectly healthy and I was in tears when I saw him. Jeff was a bit surprised when I came home so excited since I get bummed out about pregnant women and new babies since I had my miscarriage. I am just elated for Kelly to see how blessed she is. Not an ounce of jealousy, hurt or bitterness, just complete joy. For her. I love being in her company, I am at home with her. I unzip my insecurities, self consciousness, fear, and any walls to my true spirit and leave them all at the door. I can't explain it and you won't truly understand this unless you have such a connection with someone. I feel like I have known her my entire life, and even beyond. I love her with all that I am, and am so honored to know her. I can't wait to see her baby boy grow and learn over the years!

I thought I would do something different tonight, to get you thinking about your own life. Entertain me, take out a pen and paper and answer the following questions/statements in one word. Have fun!

1. What is the one word you want people to use to describe you?
This answer will give you an idea of the quality you wish to achieve which encompasses your ideal self. Whatever you answer is for this, strive for it, live it and be it.

2. What word would you use to describe your childhood?
Are your feelings regarding your childhood holding you back in your current life? Did you immediately tense up or taste the anger in the back of your throat when mention of your past is made? The past is over. If you feel yourself living with one foot still back there, it's time to move it on forward, parallel with who you are.

3. Which emotion do you feel most regularly?
If this answer isn't an ideal one, you may need to work on your thinking. Your life is what you make it, and the way you feel about it is based on your thoughts. Are your thoughts beneficial to your happiness? Do you wish you had a different answer to this question? Then live it and change it!

4. Which word would you use to describe the person you look up to the most?
The qualities your idol possesses are likely the same qualities you wish to have. How can you start to live in line with this quality, so that you can see yourself as an idol too.

5. What is one word to describe something lacking in your life right now?
What do you feel is missing in your life, and how is it affecting your emotions and daily life? Is it something you can control, even only partially? Do what you can to take action. Focus on what you want by feeling it in your life. Here is where the law of attraction comes in

6. Use one word to tell me the one thing you most desire right now.
If your answer is the same as #5, this issue is probably affecting you in some way. Believe it can enter your life, and know that you are worthy

7. Which word would best describe your health right now?
Do you need to clean up your nutrition? Do you need to spend more time exercising? Are you taking care of you? Don't forget that everything else in life comes after your health. You cannot give fully of yourself if you aren't healthy in the body, mind and spirit

8. What is one thing you want to do before you die (one word)?
This answer will give you an idea as to what is most important to you. What do you need to do now to ensure you complete your dream? It would be a shame to let this one go!

9. Describe how you feel about your current job in one word
Do you love what you do? Does it fulfill you and take full advantage of your talents? You spend so much of your life 'working,' it really shouldn't feel like work!

10. Describe what your relationship with your significant other is like in one word
Did you just read this and take a deep breath while muttering "oh lord....?" Or did you smile and wonder how the heck you are going to narrow down all the sappy things you can put here? Are you happy with your relationship? Does something need to be worked on? If you have children, the most important thing you can do for them is to cultivate the relationship you have with your partner

11. What is one quality within yourself that you need to work on?
What is one thing about your personality that you aren't entirely proud of? Is it your quick temper, or your impatience? Is it your habitual lateness that keeps everyone waiting? What do you need to improve so that you can be proud of who you are?

12. What is your biggest fear?
Does this fear get in the way of living your life? Is it a rational fear? Picture this fear happening to you and decide how you would cope. Once you are 'prepared' for the worst, and see that you will survive, maybe you can get back to living

13. How do you deal with your anger?
Most people struggle with communicating in a healthy manner when it comes to anger. Do you lash out and say hurtful things? Are you violent? Or do you just quietly simmer in the emotions, causing a buildup of resentment? Anger is terrible for your health, make sure you have a healthy coping mechanism for dealing with it

14. What is holding you back from success?
Your answer will reveal to you the obstacle you need to tackle. Is it you? Is it another person? Is it financial reasons? Whatever your answer, know that you need to squash it, step on over it and head over to the path you are meant to follow

15. When you look in the mirror, what do you see?
What is your self image like? Do you like who you are? Why or why not? Do you need to work on your self or do you need to work on your 'vision?' (see how they are different?)

I hope you learned something new, or at least reminded yourself of something.

I have made my cold busting green monster for the past couple days for Lily and her cold already seems much better today! I only heard her sneeze a couple times, her nose has stopped dripping and she rarely coughed - wow! I actually made 1 at breakfast for myself, then another after dinner, it was all I was craving - SO good! The bonus is that the scratchy throat and start of sinus pressure I felt yesterday are both gone.....let's just hope that the germs stay away from us!

Have a wonderful night everyone!
XXOO

Cold & Flu Season

2011-01-23T21:01:00.001-05:00

How is the weekend over already? I can't believe it's Sunday night! I hope you were able to enjoy it though.

It seems everyone on my Facebook is complaining about the flu, or some sort of illness and I have been so grateful that our house has (so far) missed it. Lily came down with a cold on Friday, it seems she constantly has one now that she is in daycare.

I rarely take medicine for anything for a couple reasons. My Mom was very much into naturopathic remedies, so I think I am more inclined to head that way if I am sick. It seems more natural to me I guess. Also, my body is so sensitive, I have to be careful what I consume. Cold medicines leave me feeling like I am in another planet,or 12 other planets since I can barely see straight. I hate that fuzzy, clouded head feeling. I get shaky and feel like my brain has been taken over. I hate it. I got my first migraine when I was in grade 5, to the point I would be sick to my stomach. I went to the chiropractor who discovered I had some neck problems. Since I have been seeing him for the past two years, I have had maybe 2 migraines in that time period, when before I probably would have had a dozen or more.

I find it easier and better for me to work at preventing illness and to find a solution that is more natural (when possible). I'm not anti-medicine, I just limit what I take.

So for cold season, I don't take anything. I wash my hands more often, stay away from people who are sick and wipe things down (especially shopping carts). Lily has been sick quite a bit the past 6 months, working on building up her immune system. There seems to be no way for me to avoid catching what she has. She coughs on me, sneezes without covering her face, touches everything I later touch etc. She is only 18 months old, and I have been working on getting her to cover her face when she sneezes or coughs but it's been a slow learn.

So since I have been sharing a Green Monster with Lily each morning, I thought why not adapt it to become a cold busting Monster? It could help speed up the process of getting rid of her cold and hopefully prevent me from getting sick. She and I both agreed, it was heaven in a glass. Honestly, it was Booster Juice material - so incredible! Here are my ingredients and why I chose them:

- Orange juice (vitamin C)
- Spinach (high in antioxidants)
- Frozen strawberries (also full of vitamin C)
- Frozen banana (full of B6, which has been shown to increase white blood cell count)
- a bit of almond milk (high in antioxidants)
- cinnamon (deemed the "universal spice for sinuses"
- Flax seed (super food which reduces inflammation, among many other things)
- Ice

The taste was smooth and sweet, and has fantastic cold busting elements to it. If I had honey, I also would have added that. I wanted to put garlic in as well since it strengthens the immune system....but I honestly just wasn't that brave! I think we will be enjoying this Monster for the rest of the week, tomorrow I will have to stock up on bananas!

I recently discovered that Green Tea is effective in fighting colds by helping to rid your body of toxins, increasing your immune system and is very high in antioxidants. So I had one of those this afternoon.

I also swear by echinacea tea. At the first sign of a cold, I drink 1-2 cups a day until I feel better. Typically I find my colds only last 2-3 days.

Other ways to increase immune functioning are to eat well, exercise (I need to work on this one!), and maintain a positive attitude, which I failed at this weekend, but usually do pretty good!

How are some "natural" ways that you fight or prevent illness?

On a completely unrelated note,I also want to share a healthy recipe I found for carrot cake power scuffins here. I have tried a lot of clean eating recipes, and have found the result to be bland or dry, but not these scuffins (don't you love that name?)! I was craving sugar all day Friday and decided to make these instead of reaching for junk, and they sure did the trick. They are great for breakfast (paired with a Green Monster = perfection), a snack, or a night time addition to a cup of green tea, fabulous!

Ingredients:

* 1 cup whole grain spelt flour (I used whole wheat)
* 1/2 tsp baking power
* 1/4 tsp fine grain sea salt
* 1.5 tsp pumpkin pie spice (OR: 1 tsp cinnamon, 1/4 tsp nutmeg, 1/4 tsp ginger)
* 2 tbsp extra virgin olive oil
* 1/2 cup pure maple syrup
* 1 tsp pure vanilla extract
* 1 eggg
* 1/2 cup regular oats
* 1 cup shredded or grated carrots (approx 2 medium)
* 1/4 cup raisins
* 1/4 cup toasted, chopped walnuts (I skipped this, not a fan of nuts in foods like this)
* Coconut, for garnish (I skipped this too, not overly fond of coconut)

Directions: Preheat oven to 350F. In a large sized bowl whisk together all of the dry ingredients. Using a food processor or grater, process/grate the carrots. In a medium sized bowl mix together the wet ingredients (carrots, vanilla, oil, maple syrup, egg). Add wet to dry and mix until just incorporated. Stir in the walnuts and raisins. Scoop mixture onto a baking sheet lined with parchment paper or greased with oil. Scoop about 1/4 cup for each Scuffin to make 6 large scuffins. Wet hands and shape into a circle if desired. Sprinkle with coconut. Bake for 25 minutes at 350F. Top with coconut butter for an extra treat!

Nutritional info: (Per scuffin, Approx) 265 kcals, 9 grams fat, 1 gram sat. fat, 5 grams fibre, 4.4 grams protein, 61% vitamin A, 10% iron, 59 mg calcium, 180 mg potassium.

I hope you enjoy these recipes if you choose to use them!
Talk to you all tomorrow!

Guest Post - Gifts

2011-01-22T22:06:00.000-05:00

Hi everyone.

I hope you are enjoying your weekend so far. I had a fantastic night last night at the Olive Garden and the Sabres game. The company was great and we had so much to chat about. It was one of those nights that lifted my spirits and energized my spirit. I'm not sure what my plan is for tomorrow yet, hopefully something fun with Lily. I am going later tomorrow to see my best friend and her brand new baby boy!! I am so thrilled for her. I can't wait to meet him and to tell Kelly how proud I am of her! Here is a guest post for you to enjoy, I'm taking the night off. I hope your weekend wraps up to be a great one!

“If we can stay awake when our lives are changing, secrets will be revealed to us--secrets about ourselves, about the nature of life, and about the eternal source of happiness and peace that is always available, always renewable, already within us.” Elizabeth Lesser, Source: Broken Open: How Difficult Times Can Help Us Grow

Despite the hurdles and challenges thrown my way recently, I am awake and listening to anything and everything around me that is sending me a message. It’s funny how even though you can be going through a difficult time in your life you can still feel a sense of hope and peace. It sounds strange, but I believe that if you want to be happy, then you must choose to be open to accepting the world’s gifts

I used to think of gifts in material ways, and feel shame for that! I find that motherhood has opened my eyes to seeing the world’s gifts. First and foremost, the gift of life (we almost lost my daughter when she was less than 24 hours old). I was never more grateful than when I knew my little bundle of joy was safe and sound. She had been given the gift of life and I had been given the gift of being a mother. It was a gift to see her come off the machines that helped her breathe and get healthy. It was a gift to give her first bottle. It was a gift to drive her home and hold her tight. Her colic was NOT a gift! But with that said, it also meant that she was alive and well, despite the screaming and kicking! So I will see that as a gift! I’d rather have a colicky baby to care for because it saved me from dealing with the horrible thought that we almost lost her. Then came the first time she wrapped her tiny fingers around mine, her first smile, her first words, her first haircut, her first day of school... So many firsts, and they are all gifts.

When my son was born, he also brought me joy (and another round of colic!) as well as many other firsts. First smile, first words, first steps, first booboo, first day of school...Being a mom has truly opened my eyes to accepting the wonderful gifts that my children have given me. But even more important is those gifts that I would surely miss had my children not noticed them. These gifts are everywhere! With an open mind and an open heart, you will surely notice them in your world! For example, how many times have my children asked me to look at something? I am the typical rushed mother who hurries the kids here and there so that I can be on time. Well quite often, they literally make me stop and smell the roses. They notice every little detail in this world, the countless gifts that Mother Nature has created, and make sure I do not miss them! From little hummingbirds flying around, bird feathers, tadpoles, pretty flowers, bird eggs, etc. etc., the list is endless! My children make me see, feel and hear the world in a different way. The important thing about these gifts is that they make me slow down and cherish the gift, the moment in time shared between us. These moments can never be replaced and had I continued to be too rushed, these little gifts would have passed me by.

I have learned that even though life has its little challenges and hurdles to overcome, there are still many good things that are around us, if we have an open mind, and a keen eye. We have to be open to receive these little gifts because it makes us feel joy, peace and gratitude for the good things we have. It is within each one of us. So stop and smell the roses, and see what other gifts the world has for you. You don’t want to miss it!

Giving advice

2011-01-21T14:45:00.000-05:00

Good afternoon everyone!

I won't be around tonight so I figured I would post now. I will be going to the Olive Garden (drool) and the Sabres game with a girl friend of mine. I am very excited for the night out and for the her company.

I had a "chat" with my Mom last night. There are times I really feel like I need her, so I'll chat out loud to her and feel a bit better about things. I said aloud "I wish you were here to tell me what to do." Then I paused, and let out a laugh. I followed with "though I know your answer would be the same as it is right now."

I talked to my Mom about absolutely everything when she was here, nothing was off limits. She never judged me for my thoughts, she never laughed at my ideas, and never once made me feel awkward about talking or sharing my feelings, even if they were ridiculously inflated. She had the love of a Mom, the patience of a saint, and the comfort of a trusted friend. So, we talked about everything in life. If I was going through anything, she was the person I ran to. She was the first person who popped into my mind when I was upset, and she always made things better.

My Mom rarely gave advice, which always irritated me beyond belief. I would go to her with a problem and ask her what to do, and she always answered with "what do you feel?" It enraged me, to be honest. I hated it. I just wanted an answer and she never gave me one. The only time she gave me advice really was when I was doubting myself or losing confidence. She would say to me "you are worth it." She would tell me to not let anyone else get in the way of my dreams. She told me to be gentle with myself and to believe in who I am. She told me that if people don't treat me right, they aren't worth my time or energy. She told me to never let anyone else define who I am. She was wise and always gave me words of wisdom to inspire me, and she seemed to know exactly when those words were needed.

But she never gave me concrete answers to my problems and last night it hit me. I am sure it wasn't easy for her to avoid giving me answers. I am sure there were times she wanted to shake me and yell "open your eyes!" But, she held her ground and insisted I answer the questions for myself and last night I finally understood and felt gratitude for her methods. Instead of solving my problems for me, my Mom was giving me tools to use for the rest of my life, and in times she isn't here to provide me comfort and reassurance.

She was guiding me toward my own intuition.

How valuable is that? When I feel alone and feel discouraged, I can sit in silence and hear the answers within myself. My intuition is strong and even the times I ignore it, I sense it and all the answers I need. Had my Mom solved my problems along the way (which I now understand is what Mothers desperately want to do), I would have lost out on such an important life lesson.

So last night I giggled because I knew that even if my Mom was here, she wouldn't give me an answer, she would ask me what I felt. And I'm sure after pleading with her and rolling my eyes in her direction, I would realize that in fact, I do have the answers.

Sometimes I don't talk about the times I am angry or frustrated with friends or family. I hesitate to do so because it's human nature to throw out our opinions or offer words of advice. We have this innate desire to solve problems (well, I do anyway). It's times when I am emotional that I just want to vent to someone, and talk about my feelings without results. I just want to share and connect, that's all. There are people who then rack their brains for a solution to my problem, and offer advice, and tell me what I am feeling isn't founded. Generally I know the solutions to my problems, I am just encountering a frustration. If my feelings are out of proportion with the situation, I realize that. Most of the time it's an accumulation of things leading me to a funk. I don't need to hear what I should or shouldn't be feeling. I don't need to hear how I can fix it. I don't want to hear that I should not let it get to me and put a smile on my face. All I want is to feel safe in what I am experiencing, and to know that I am understood, and have support. It is because of this that I find myself only expressing positive emotions with these people.

This is a lesson for me, because I love to feel like I'm useful and want to solve problems. Next time someone comes to me though, I will keep my mouth closed and my heart open. I won't offer advice unless it is requested. I will instead, listen to their words, embrace them with compassion and connect with them in understanding.

That's all I want.

Thank you Mom, for teaching me so much in my life, even now.

Have a wonderful start to your weekend everyone!!

When you are feeling defeated

2011-01-20T22:00:00.000-05:00

Hi!
How are you all? I hope your answer is "fabulous!"

You know what's awesome? My goal for 2011 blog-wise was to get 50 followers - look where I am now and it's not even the end of January! I am already beyond my goal. I truly appreciate those of you who take time to read my words, it means the world to me that you actually take 10 minutes out of your day to spend with my thoughts, and let's by honest, my heart. I am full of gratitude for each of you.

A lot of times when I am brainstorming a post topic, I consider what I think you will enjoy based on feedback I have received with various previous posts. I observe all day, every day for lessons I think people would like to hear about or may even learn something from. I consider how interesting a post will be before I type, I wouldn't want to bore you or write about something insignificant. I don't want people to sit down to my blog and walk away a short period of time later wishing they had spent that time doing something else.

There are other times when I write a post selfishly, and write it for ME. I give advice and suggest tools for you to use, but in reality, I am talking to myself because it's something I need to hear that day. Today is one of those days, this post is for me. I want you to continue reading though. Maybe you will get something out of my thoughts, and maybe (hopefully) you will have some advice for me.

My life is out of balance right now. Not out of control, just out of balance. There are two areas that just aren't in line with my desires and are starting to wear away at my optimism.

I started to write out what those things are but I erased it for a couple reasons. First, they are a bit personal (since when has that stopped me right?) and secondly, I think in talking about them, I give them more power over my emotions and well being. I know if I start talking about specifics, I will start to get caught up in the pendulum of confusion and frustration again. So tonight I want to talk about what you do when you feel defeated, or on the way to defeated, in an area of your life.

Here is what I have come up with, and steps I plan on taking:

1. Take action
If you are in control of any aspect of the issue at hand, take back your control and start taking steps toward resolution. If you are active in the process of taking on a problem, you are more likely to feel confident and in power. It is when we start to feel as though we have no power that our bodies and spirit suffer

2. List your desires
Sometimes when we feel defeated, we start to lose our focus and our desire vs. our current reality start to blend together. Shortly thereafter we shake our heads, confused, because we no longer know what we want.

3. Always focus on what you want
One of my short term plans is to create a vision board. It would be perfect for the desk I recently cleaned up and organized to become my space. This way all my desires will be in front of me, in visual format. This works perfectly for me since I am a very visual person.

4. Affirmation
When I was a teenager, my Mom gave me a couple flip books with affirmations in them. As I was just coming out of two extremely difficult years, I started to say the one all day, every day, for a good year, "I trust in the process of life." It was a powerful one for me at the time, and I think I need to create a new one that will enhance my thinking now.

5. Get busy
Sometimes you just have to pick yourself up off the floor and get active - working out, cleaning, doing things around the house, anything instead of being stagnant and allowing negative thoughts to nest in your spirit

6. Surround yourself with awesome people
This one always gets me through anything. Being in good company lifts me up, keeps me laughing and reminds me that people appreciate and respect me. I have a date tomorrow with a friend that I am very much looking forward to!

7. Try something new
Trying new things must release endorphins, I swear. I don't know if research has been done on this or not, but for me, I feel great after doing something new, no matter how small. Today I tried a new recipe. It was a very simple thing, but in that expansion of my normal life, I felt better. I'll share the recipe with you later, it rocked my world.

8. Perspective
Always keep perspective, even when you are full of joy. Remember what you have, who graces your life and that you have your healthy and safety. Is this problem going to be as big of a deal in 5 years as it is right now? Typically your answer will be no. Remember that. This too, shall pass.

9. Boost your confidence
I don't know about you, but feeling defeated shakes the ground of my confidence. How can I boost it up again? By pampering myself, taking action, and affirming that the core of who I am is not wrapped up in the imbalance around me.

10. Let go
If I am taking control of what I CAN control, I need to let the rest go. It does no good to stress about the way things are if there is nothing I can do to change it. That stress and fear will only get in the way of moving forward, and I certainly don't want to be in this rut for much longer!

How do you deal with frustration? I would love to hear your ideas.

I think I will spend the night coming up with a couple new affirmations for my life, and deciding just what I want on my vision board......oh and of course sit by the fire watching Jersey shore, reminding myself that my life is pretty awesome!

Good night everyone!

How to boost your energy

2011-01-19T21:44:00.000-05:00

Happy hump day everyone! Hope your day is going well. I had a great afternoon with my Dad. I took him for lunch to our absolute favorite place in Niagara-on-the-Lake at White Oaks resort called Play. I got the Garden Grill sandwich with a health nut salad - where else around here can you get a quinoa salad?? We have only been there twice and both times I have left just completely smitten. LOVE it! We also did some shopping and my Dad surprised me by buying a Guess purse! It was the biggest one they had and it is a piece of art! The purse I have now is pretty big itself but it isn't cutting it anymore. I throw all Lily's snacks, drinks, diapers, and toys in my purse and now that I have her winter jacket to stuff in there too, everything spills out and I couldn't ever close it, it has been driving me crazy. So this purse should hold it all and then some! I'll take a picture when I remember to charge my camera battery.

I mentioned yesterday that I got very little sleep the other night, but I managed to get through the day feeling full of energy....or should I say, not fully depleted of energy. I never seem to be full of energy, at least in comparison to my 18 month old. She's insane sometimes, I wish I could bottle up a quarter of her energy for myself!

1. I past week or so I have been starting my days with a Green Monster. Wow! I have noticed a difference in my morning energy without question. There are a ton of fabulous recipes on the site I linked, but here is my basic, go-to recipe: (sorry, I don't measure ingredients, I just pour, so these are just guesses)

- milk (I prefer soy). I'd guess 1-2 cups, I like to make a very tall glass and then some
- a giant handful of spinach
- Flax seed (maybe 1 tsp)
- frozen blueberries (large handful)
- 1 frozen banana
- 1/2 scoop Chocolate Amazing Grass
- cinnamon (I recently started putting in cinnamon, it is AHmazing! Such a wonderful taste, and did you know that cinnamon helps regulate blood sugar levels? Something I for sure need help with at times)
- 1 large spoonful of nut butter, I use all natural peanut butter (only ingredient is peanuts) or almond butter. I use this when I feel I need a protein boost, other times I omit it

I mix in a blender for about a minute, then throw in a handful of ice and blend again until smooth. Lily and I are getting groceries tomorrow and I plan on picking up some canned pumpkin. I can't wait to try that in my Green Monster with the cinnamon, sounds fabulous! Did you know that pumpkin is full of vitamins A & C, contains antioxidants and is full of fiber (diets full of fiber help regulate your system and helps prevent many diseases, such as heart disease and diabetes)?
If you have limited ingredients on hand, I would say milk, fruit and spinach would make for a decent first smoothie. You could have more than one a day if you need, but I definitely like to start my day with one.

2. If I'm really tired I have a nap in the afternoon, though I admit, I'm a horrible napper, or maybe a really good one, I'm not sure which applies. I don't necessarily enjoy the concept of a nap, there are always other things I would rather do with my time, so I don't nap all that often. When I do try to nap, I manage to sleep for 10-20 minutes max. Jeff can nap for hours, no joke. But usually about 15 minutes is all I need, then I wake up. This is usually enough to do the trick.

3. I will also drink a green tea if I need energy. I made the mistake of having one on an empty stomach the other day and felt awful for hours afterward. My body has many sensitivities, and caffeine is one of them, even the little bit that green tea has. I can only drink it when I have eaten a decent amount or I feel shaky, I start to get really hot and feel weak, kind of the way I feel when my blood sugar drops. Green tea provides me a bit of a boost, and it's really healthy for me, bonus!

4. Fueling my body with healthy, nutritious foods does wonders. It is so true that what you put into your body is what your body will put back out for you. When I eat junk, I feel lethargic and generally unwell. When I eat healthy, I have more energy and feel good physically and emotionally. Eating foods such as fruit, veggies, whole grains, yogurt, beans etc. fuel my body efficiently, so I have that excess energy to burn. Notice how the best foods are all the natural ones, coming straight from the earth.

I find that a combination of the above leave me feeling energized and healthy through the day. I have a mild form of hypoglycemia, which means my blood sugar gets low. I have to watch what I eat and when, as I already mentioned with the green tea. I can't drink juice in the morning either, makes me feel horrible. So I find that I need to eat more frequently through the day in smaller portions to feel my best, and I think that's the more effective way of finding energy.

I will also share my vegetarian chili recipe with you as requested. It is FULL of cancer fighting elements, full of protein and vitamins, it's super healthy, and very filling. The recipe makes a huge crock pot full, I'd say 10ish servings? I put about half in the fridge for the following few days and throw the rest in the freezer. I would suggest putting it into smaller containers so you can just thaw individual sizes.

2 zucchini, chopped
2 green pepper, chopped
1 onion, chopped
1/2 cup celery, chopped
2 tsp chili powder (there is a bit of bite with this, just noticeable, not much)
1 tsp dried oregano
1/2 tsp cumin
1/2 tsp turmeric
1/2 tsp black pepper
2 cloves of garlic, minced
4 regular cans of diced tomatoes (or 2 large cans)
1 bag frozen corn (10oz)
1 cans black beans
1 package Yves Ground Round (think vegetarian ground beef)
2 cups mild salsa (or medium or hot, depending on your liking)

Throw it all into a crock pot on low for 8-10 hours or high for 4-5 hours. You can throw any other veggies or beans in as you wish.

I hope you enjoy the recipe, I have some in my freezer as we speak, it's one of my favorite meals!
How do you boost your energy in a healthy manner?

Good night everyone!

My road to vegetarianism

2011-01-18T22:16:00.000-05:00

Hi guys!

How was your day?
Mine was good, though I was dragging a little bit. Lily barely slept last night, I didn't end up falling asleep until about 3:00 in the morning, and we got up at 8, which doesn't sound too terrible but it's definitely not what my body is used to. I found a few very effective ways of recovering my energy, which I will write about tomorrow, or in the upcoming days.

It was December 26, 1997 when I gave up red meat (I can't believe it has been that long!). My family was together for the holidays and someone initiated the conversation about slaughter houses. Someone (I think it was my Dad) gave a brief account of their time visiting a slaughter house, my sister talked about seeing a truck full of pigs to be sent to the slaughter house. I remember she said one of the pigs had his snout pressed against the back window, it's a visual that has stayed with me. All in all it was a traumatizing time for me and that's when I made the decision to stop eating red meat. Fast forward about six years to 2003. I was driving home from University and noticed weird white stuff flying at my windshield after I turned a corner. I looked ahead of me and I was driving behind a giant open truck full of chicken cages. Each cage was stuffed full of chickens, there was no room for them to move, their little heads were poking out and one looked at me...yep, right into my eyes, or rather, my soul. I had visions of stopping my car at a light, jumping on top of the truck and letting all the chickens loose. How could I save all these poor creatures? Alas, there were no opportunities to put on my cape and save the day, but it was at that moment I decided to stop eating poultry.

Both of these circumstances have affected me enough to make the change an everlasting one, I haven't "cheated" once and haven't looked back with regret. I have discovered a wide variety of options available for me as a vegetarian and have enjoyed the healthier alternatives as a result. I have faced criticism because I have chosen to eat seafood still (more on that in a minute). Recently someone exclaimed "that's not a vegetarian! and I hadn't the energy to debate. I have had someone eluding to their belief that I am a hypocrite, "if you consume eggs, you're consuming chickens, so you're not really a vegetarian" People have ideas of what vegetarians' diets should look, and are very quick to judge when they see what my consumption of foods happens to be. All I can say is that I have chosen a lifestyle that feels right for me, and maybe some things don't make sense to others and they don't have to. As with any of the decisions I make in my life, it's not my job to defend or justify my decisions to other people. I find that the ones who question me the most (in all aspects of my life) are those who don't have the capacity to understand no matter how much sense my explanation makes.

I was thinking about my diet yesterday as I have recommitted myself to clean eating and have been shaping up my meals and snacks. I don't really know why I still eat seafood. Jeff says it's because I haven't found a fish that's cute enough yet....he likes to think he's funny! I eat shrimp, salmon, tuna and haddock, and not all that often. I came to the conclusion last night that I want to cut these out of my diet as well. This has nothing at all to do with the criticism I get from others since I have been hearing about it for eight years now. I want to cut out seafood because it feels right to me, it jives with my beliefs and emotions and it makes sense to me right now. I actually love reading blogs about the vegan life and I have a feeling I will be dabbling in that lifestyle by the end of the year, though I'm not sure I'll ever be able to fully commit to that as I am a HUGE cheese and butter lover.

I have no problem getting my protein in, there are so many options these days for vegetarians. Those who know me also know I have adapted a mild form of vegetarianism for my 18 month old daughter. I give her seafood and poultry on occasion, but she has yet to consume red meat. This decision partially has to do with my compassion for animals, but also because I have read a lot about red meat and think that it's harder on the digestive system and not a necessary component to a diet, when I am able to provide her plenty of protein and iron. To sum it up, I don't think red meat is healthy for her. Yep, you can disagree with me and that's okay. When she gets older, if she wants to try a regular hot dog or hamburger, I won't say no, after all, she has her own decisions to make in life. But I hope I am now pouring the foundation for what will be a healthy lifestyle for her now, and in the future.

I have been questioned on how Lily gets her iron, if not from red meat. Here is a great site. Our main source of iron comes in the form of soy, and I give Lily some of my Green Monster in the morning, which contains spinach (sneaky right?)

So that is the story behind my dietary decisions. I love the clean eating lifestyle and have felt a huge difference with those types of foods. I eat chips and feel like crap. I drink a Green Monster and feel energetic and healthy. Isn't it an empowering thought to know that you have control over how you feel physically?

What types of foods leave you feeling healthy and strong? I would love to hear your thoughts. I can post a few recipes later if you are interested. My vegetarian chili is my favorite!

Good night everyone!

Setting up for success

2011-01-17T20:59:00.000-05:00

Happy Monday!

How are you all today? I had a quiet day while Lily was at daycare. I went to my favorite used book store to have a look. It's such an awesome place. Well loved books are stacked floor to ceiling, and you can't possibly walk out of there without having done at least one advanced yoga move to read book titles. I love it, and the second I walk in the doors I am at peace. I found a few books to add to my collection: 9 Secrets of Women Who Get Everything They Want, The 10 Minute Life Coach, A Bend in the Road is not the End of the Road. (love that title!)

When I woke up this morning I didn't have much of a plan ahead of me, which is normally something I do at night. I like to plan my following day so I have concrete goals to strive for. It wasn't long before I started to feel "blah" and that's when I knew I needed to leave the house, which is when the book store trip ensued. But before I left, I decided to be productive and figure out a way I can overcome my own false beliefs so I can move forward and really relish in success.

Our home office is where I will be doing any counseling sessions if a space is required. I came up with a great philosophy today (well I'm sure someone else came up with it, but it was my idea for today). If we want to achieve success, doesn't it make sense to set our environment up in a way to support that desire? For example, if you want to lose weight, what is one of the first things you do? You go through your fridge and cupboards and clear out the junk. You wouldn't leave a pantry full of chocolate and chips (and chocolate chips!) laying around if your desire is to lose weight, right? You would more or less be setting yourself up for failure, no matter how much will power you think you have.

So, I decided that if I was going to venture out into counseling others, I needed to set up my environment in a way that parallels my wants. I completely cleaned out the office. I organized the closet, moved a bunch of stuff downstairs and rearranged books. I cleared out one of the cupboards in the desk for all my inspirational books and moved them from my bedroom to their new home. I just need to open up the door and be greeted with motivating words. The three books I bought today were included in my library I will be lending out to clients, I just have to read them first and make sure they are decent. This is the collection I have so far:

My Mom had also given me a couple flip books with inspirational quotes on them. I like to randomly flip through them to see what my message is for that day. Here is what I flipped to today:

My goal is to take more pictures for this blog, I think they add more character to ideas. The problem is that I am terrible with a camera, to be honest I don't even know how to work the flash on the one we have. Regardless, here is my attempt at capturing the space....don't judge my lack of photography skills:

So that is my plan. I need to set up my life in a way to support my desire for success. Tonight I will make a list of all the ways I can do that, otherwise I will just be sabotaging myself. I feel like this is a very positive and encouraging way of believing that I am worth this. I have lots of other plans that I need to work on in upcoming weeks and months, which I'll try not to discuss at length, it's probably all pretty boring to you!

What is a goal you have right now? Is your environment set up in a way to support that goal? If not, what can you do to change your surroundings?

Unless some great idea hits me tomorrow, I will be discussing my road to being a vegetarian. Until then, have a fantastic night!

What is holding you back from success?

2011-01-16T21:03:00.001-05:00

Hey guys, how are you all? I hope your weekend was wonderful. Ours was quiet and uneventful but we managed to find time to spend as a family, so it was nice. I want to relish in the moments we have now because tax season is about to start up and we won’t be seeing much of Jeff until May. He works a ridiculous amount during tax season.

As you may or may not have noticed, I published some information in the tabs above regarding my new endeavor. I am starting up business in life coaching/counseling, and this has been my lifelong dream (one of them anyway!).I have put hours of thought and research into the logistics of it all and have this very clear image of how I want my business to run. I know I am fully qualified to do this in education and in life, and am thrilled at the prospect of living my dream. But to be honest with you, I have some reservations and have a twisting in my belly when I think about starting the business. I thought about it a lot this weekend, why I am feeling blocked off from fully indulging in this amazing opportunity in my life? I have walls up and I wasn't sure why, so I took the time the past couple days to really think about it. It sunk in today and it shouldn't surprise me as it's a pattern I have found since I was a young child. I'll share it with you.

I am afraid that I am not good enough.

There. Said it. How many times have I felt this way? The answer to that will never be known, but I know about how long I have felt this way. Twenty two years.

When I was eight, I found out my Mom was an alcoholic, which explained her behavior. At that age I wasn't capable of understanding much. My brain did understand though that being an alcoholic meant escaping. It meant my own Mother needed to escape from her life, and from me. I wasn't good enough for her to not want to drink.

When I was eight, I took my first diet pill as I cried in front of the mirror, because I thought I was fat. My Dad and brother had joked that I was fat, obviously not meaning it, but words hit me deeply, I was always very sensitive. It was mentioned to me that my grades weren't good enough despite being A's. My family insinuated that I wasn't feminine enough, in fact my Grandma used to call me "Tom" instead of Rachel. The word "love" wasn't mentioned in our household, so I felt I wasn't good enough to be loved.

For twenty two years I have questioned my ability in all that I do. I have these amazing visions for my life and all these ambitions but when I am close to entering the situation first hand, fear grips me and once again, I wither away into that fearful little girl examining every detail of herself in the mirror while sitting on the counter of the bathroom vanity.

When I went to therapy for my anxiety, the therapist hit a breakthrough with me in determining that my anxiety too was stemming from very deep seated beliefs that I was not good enough. The feelings were so severe and overpowering that much of my life at that point had been taken over by the grip of it all. I was relieved to know that the anxiety came about from something, and that must mean I could change it. I am constantly aware now of how I feel and why, and most of the time, my emotions are tied to that fear of not being good enough.

This has been my blockage in life. Have a look at your own life. Have you achieved the things you want? Are you living your passion? Are you content when looking around you? If not, then what is holding you back? We all have blockages in life to some degree or another. This has been mine and I am so glad I have figured that out so I can do the work necessary to dissolve that belief. Have you figured yours out yet?

With this knowledge, I know that I need to further work on my thinking so my beliefs will in turn, change. Intrinsically I know I will be good at this because it is who I am. I just have to find that nattering voice inside my spirit and squash it. My past is in the past and as Henry David Thoreau once said "Never look back unless you are planning to go that way." (Thanks Grandpa for that reminder)

I have been hesitant in talking about Closer to You. I was hesitant to publish all the information regarding the business. I know these hesitations will prevent my business from flourishing. It's the law of attraction, if I don't fully believe I deserve it, then I won't achieve what I want to. I need to change the frequency of my thinking which will subsequently change the frequency I am operating at.

So, this post is dedicated to none other than ME. I was made for this. All the heart ache and challenges I have faced in my life have paved the way for this moment. They have all made me a better person so I can then be a better guide to others. I am worthy of this. I deserve success. I am good enough.

I AM GOOD ENOUGH!!

And I freaking deserve this.

*****

I just started using Twitter yesterday, if you have an account, please follow me:
www.twitter.com/closertoyoutome

And if you scroll up under "Need Inspiration?" on the right hand side, you can click "like" for my Closer to You Facebook page! Time to make use of Social Media right? I plan on incorporating YouTube into my business as well, I'll just have to figure out the best way of doing so!

Thank you again for your support everyone xxoo

Starting your day on the right frequency

2011-01-15T20:22:00.000-05:00

Hi everyone!
Hope your weekend is off to a great start! If you haven't already, check out the new tabs I have posted above. I still have a ton more work to do with them and the rest of the details regarding life coaching, but I am off to a positive start I think!

I recently read "The Secret" as I have mentioned numerous times already. There is one more concept in it that I found interesting.

Here's a quote from pages 75-76:
"Every morning, I do not get out of bed until I have felt the feelings of gratitude for this brand new day and all I am grateful for in my life. Then as I get out of bed, when one foot touches the ground, I say, "Thank" and "you" as my second foot touches the ground. With each step I take on my way to the bathroom, I say "thank you." I continue to say and feel "thank you" as I am showering and getting ready. By the time I am ready for the day, I have said "Thank you" hundreds of times. As I do this, I am powerfully creating my day and all that it will contain. I am setting my frequency for the day and intentionally declaring the way I want my day to go, rather than stumbling out of bed and letting the day take control of me."

How do you begin your day?

I recently had someone ask me how my mornings look, and to be honest, they don't look like much of anything. I wake up to the sound of Lily chatting away (I shower and do my hair at night usually, sometimes during her nap), lay there for a good 10 minutes and get up to get her. We then play in her room, get her dressed, and head downstairs for breakfast. That's pretty much the extent of our morning routine. I hate to admit it but not much else is routine around here, other than nap time from 12:30-2:30 and bedtime around 6:30, though it's evolving into 7:00 these days (for Lily, not me!)

I admit, I don't start my day off with anything spectacular. I think though, if I changed up my morning routine just slightly, I would be setting a more positive and productive tone for the day. I love the visual concept of frequencies that the book refers to. I could easily bring myself to a different frequency each morning, not that what I do is negative. I don't usually stumble out of bed in a daze, nor do I wake up miserable most days. I do think though, that I could live a richer life in setting up my morning a bit differently.

Lily normally sleeps until about 7:30. Yep, I also sleep until then, she is my alarm clock. This is the first thing I would change. I could get up half and hour earlier without much effort, I could get up an hour earlier even. Once upon a time, not too long ago, I was a morning person. I was always up early. Things change when you have a baby though and suddenly the concept of sleep is one you begin to hold in highest regard. Even once your sleep patterns get back to normal, it's like you start to hoard as much sleep as you can get for fear that you will lose it all over again.

I thought I would make a list (swoon..) of things I could do in the mornings to set up my day in a positive light. Whatever it entails though, I will be sure to include a level of gratitude as the author mentions.

- write!
- clean (though I really need to work on cleaning at night so I can wake up to a clean kitchen, this will cause me less anxiety in the morning)
- Yoga (I have a video I could do, or they have a half hour show on in the mornings)
- Run (I doubt this is realistic as I would then have to shower and do my hair, which takes me 45 minutes alone)
- Read
- Meditate (I'm terrible at this, so I need more practice in quieting my mind)
- Work on business stuff
- Connect with others (sending random emails or messages online to let friends know I am thinking of them)
- Plan - what do I need to get done today, what goals do I want to accomplish (I normally do this the night before)
- Blog. I think I prefer doing this at night though, once I have had the opportunity to experience what the day has to offer

There are so many options for me to start my day on a high note. Either way, I want to work on getting up earlier and having some quiet time alone to do whatever feels best for the day. The past couple days I have also started my day with an energizing smoothie and it has worked WONDERS for my energy level. I got the idea from the site "The Green Monster Movement." The other night I went to bed at 11:30, Jeff came to bed at 1:30 after hockey and my mind was racing, so I was up until almost 3:00 when Lily got up and wouldn't sleep, she just wanted her Mommy. I was up with her and eventually fell asleep with her in her big girl bed around 5:00 and we slept until 7:30. I woke up feeling nauseous and like a zombie. I had one of these green monsters and brought Lily to daycare, expecting to come home and nap. I got home and felt completely energized and ready for the day. The trick to the smoothie is spinach! Sounds disgusting I know, but honestly, you should try one! I'd like to incorporate a Green Monster into my every day. I even gave some to Lily today and she liked it. Mine had milk, a giant handful of spinach, a scoop of peanut butter (almond butter is awesome too), frozen blueberries, a banana, and half a scoop of chocolate green superfood, oh, and ice! Mmmmm, it's fabulous! I just restocked my flax seed supply, so those will be in every smoothie from now on.

What are some of your morning routines that set up your day on a good note? Do you think changing something about your morning could end up changing your day? I would love to hear from you!

*****
I'd love it if you would join my Facebook page - Closer to you - life coaching. I also just joined Twitter this afternoon - www.twitter.com/closertometoyou. I think it'll take me a little while to figure Twitter out, it's very foreign to me, but I'm determined to learn and take advantage of it!

Thank you for your support!

Be Content but not Satisfied

2011-01-14T12:12:00.000-05:00

Good morning!

I have enjoyed a morning all to myself today. While I love when Lily is with me and thoroughly enjoy her company, it's nice at times to spend a day getting things done. I plan to clean the bathrooms, vacuum upstairs and work on a book proposal. My Grandfather recently sent me information about a writing contest he thought I might want to enter. The submission is to be a short story, up to 2500 words, and my immediate thought was "no way!" I am a terrible story teller, and to be honest, not all that creative. I know nothing would come of me entering the contest, so why bother? But then a little voice whispered something along the lines of "you need to walk the talk." I keep talking to you all about pushing yourself out of your comfort zone in order to grow, and in facing an opportunity for myself to do so, it would be a bit hypocritical to turn away because it's the easy thing to do. So, I will submit an entry, not with the hope of winning, but with the knowing that in entering an unknown world with my writing, I will be better at it. So, I have a lot of work ahead of me!

Along with the information regarding the contest, my Grandfather also sent along a quote that he found in Robin Sharma's book "The Leader Who Had no Title," "Be content but not satisfied." Can you say WOW! This quote boxes up all my beliefs about our purpose in life and packs them into five powerful and significant words! It's a quote I am going to refer to, and share, for what I imagine to be an annoying amount in the future.

I have often said that I am not just happy, but content. I see the two as different, the emotion of 'happy' is not a lasting one, it comes and goes. Being content however, I see as a deep seated, unchanging ~~emotion~~ peace within yourself. I am content with my life. I have so much to be grateful for and I love waking up and facing every day. Some days I am not happy, but I am always content. Yet I am not satisfied, and hope to never be.

Being satisfied to me, differs from being fulfilled. I am fulfilled in that I love my life and all aspects of it. To me, being satisfied means being happy in the spot you are in, so much so that you don't feel the need to move elsewhere. I am content and fulfilled but not satisfied. For as long as I am on this earth, I will always desire to grow and learn more. I will strive for more, and seek opportunities to experience new things. I once said it seems that when I cross something off my life list, two more things show up in its place, and that's a good thing! It means that I will always be moving in life, exploring all avenues accessible to me at the time.

Instead of living my life stagnant, I will move and explore and experience and grow and learn....because I will never be satisfied. Yet along my journey, I will always be content and appreciate where I am and what lessons I am encountering along the way.

I feel like I'm babbling and not able to properly explain what this quote means to me. I hope the five words speak for themselves and maybe they too, will touch a part of your spirit that understands their truth.

(Thanks Grandpa for thinking of me and for sharing this awesome quote - you clearly know me well! xxoo)

*****
Have you noticed the new bar just above this post with the "Home" tab?? I'm getting ready to launch some exciting new endeavors on the blog, stayed tuned, it should be coming very soon!

Have a wonderful day!

Guest Post - Success is based on Intelligence

2011-01-13T22:04:00.000-05:00

Hi everyone!
I had a post in mind for tonight, one I think is a fabulous topic from my now favourite quote. But I have been distracted on here catching up with my best friend - a much needed connect for us! So my post can wait for tomorrow, and luckily I was recently given a wonderful guest post. Enjoy, and we'll chat tomorrow!

*****

Many years ago I was interviewed for a position with a car manufacturer. I met with the HR Manager who told me that their process consisted of both psychological testing as well as taking an I.Q, test.

After completing the first batch of tests he gave me the paperwork for the I.Q. test and returned after the requisite time to pick up my test and left the room to complete his marking of my answers. He seemed to be taking too much time and I sat nervously awaiting his return.

He finally came back and asked me if I had ever seen the test before and I replied no. He then asked me if I would mind doing a second test as the results of the first were rather surprising. I agreed to do the second test with some real concerns over what he meant by “ surprising”.

He returned after the allotted time to pick up the forms and he stated he would return in a few minutes to inform me of the results.

When he returned he asked me several questions – “have you recently taken I.Q. tests?”, “have you seen these tests before?” I could not understand his concern and the nature of his questions, but my answer to both was “no”. I had never taken or seen these tests and I asked him “is there something wrong?” “Did I do poorly?”.

He then related to me that the score on my first test was abnormally high and he felt it was somehow in error, and so he wanted the second test to basically verify that the first result was an aberration. However the result of the second test was as high as the first, and he spent time reviewing the test results of employees in the company data base. He informed me that I was in the top 3 of everyone in the company.

He informed me that their selection process was not yet complete and that he would be in touch before the end of the week with their decision as to who they would be hiring.

I walked out of the office, my head was spinning – I thought about how smart I was – I had aced their I.Q. tests – in the top 3 of the whole company – the job is mine – when do I start- how much money are they going to offer – why wait for a few days they know that they’ve found their man!!

At about 2 P.M. on Friday he called me and his comments astounded and crushed me – my ego was shattered, my plans were torn apart – how could they be so stupid and not recognize my value ?

He thanked me for applying and going through the process, however the psychological testing showed that I had an introverted personality and the job requirements called for a more extroverted person.

I learned an very important lesson (the hard way) .

Success isn’t based on intelligence, there are many other, perhaps controllable, elements.

What, at the time, was a very disappointing experience, actually proved to be beneficial to me and sent me on a journey of self-improvement.

Focusing on the journey, not the destination

2011-01-12T21:12:00.000-05:00

Hi guys!

How are you all? I am going a bit crazy tonight as Lily refuses to believe it's bedtime. She's been a bit of a handful all day actually. She has recently come to this realization that she can make her own decisions, and she definitely knows what she wants and how she wants it. It's great that she is becoming her own person, but a bit overwhelming for both of us at times when she isn't able to fully communicate what it is she wants. Needless to say, I'm glad the day is coming to a close so I can re-energize for tomorrow's adventures!

So it snowed about 40 feet today...well probably not quite that much but it sure seemed like it! I decided I should probably shovel the driveway if I ever wanted to leave the house again, so out I went when Lily went down for her nap this afternoon. Luckily the snow was light and fluffy but it was really deep so my back was starting to ache after about the third scoop (ah yes, I'm a bit of a wimp). I then stood there for a moment wondering how to approach the situation. I could shovel across the width of the driveway, or the length. Or I could just zigzag in some random non-pattern. The thought alone stressed me out, I had no idea which way would be the most efficient, so eventually I just decided to act, and chose to shovel my way across the width.

After maybe 10 minutes I looked down my driveway and felt defeated. There was still so much more to do. My back was in shambles, my arms were shaky and weak - how would I ever finish? I worked for another 10 minutes or so and again, paused to look at what remained. There was less to look at this time of course, but daunting doesn't come close to describe what I was feeling. I then glanced back at what I had accomplished thus far and my anxiety lessened as I noted how much progress I had made.

Such is life. I know that for myself, I have clear visions of the end results I want with my life but have found frustration with the steps on how to get there. This has been prevalent in my life the past couple months especially. I know two things for sure: I want to be a counselor and I want to write a book. Two pretty lofty goals. When I think about all the work ahead to achieve either, or when I spend my time trying to figure out exactly which steps I need to take, this overwhelms me and all but banishes my ambition. Just like shoveling the driveway. When I think about how much I have to do, the effort I need to put forth, the pain I will encounter (entering territory outside of my comfort zone), I feel like putting down the "shovel" and going back inside where my surroundings are familiar to me and my level of confidence isn't tested.

When we look only at the destination, everything in between can seem unattainable to us. When our focus is only on the long road ahead, we can be so overwhelmed that we quit before we have started, or we will start with feelings of reservation and defeat before even one foot has stepped ahead. Either will lead to undesirable results. You need to focus on where you now stand in relation to where you were. Regardless of how much longer it will take you to get to your goal, or how much more effort is required, know that you have moved forward and where you stand now is progress nonetheless. If your final goal is that important to you, then I recommend you do what I did today - focus on the steps you take (regardless of how small), and enjoy your journey. Or at least appreciate it for where it is taking you.

The journey toward any dream will bring you discomfort, frustration and times you just want to quit. You will be overwhelmed, you will want to cry and you will question your ability to achieve your dream. It has taken me such a long time to realize this. I had this idea that if I am pursuing my life's purpose, stumbling blocks will dissolve and my path will be paved with daisies. So it was easy for me to set aside these dreams - the work it would take to get me results would be severe and the confidence I had to fulfill my goals was minimal. So my dreams must just be wants right? Wrong.

I recently learned that even passions and life purposes require effort and aren't without heart ache and confusion. The fact is, being a counselor and writing a book are two things I am meant to do with my life and I know that without hesitation. For as long as I can remember, these two things have been nagging at me and the universe has been giving me signs all along. I put the dreams to rest and moved on with my life in other endeavors. Despite my other pursuits and how busy I managed to keep myself, those pulls on my spirit never got any quieter. I have chosen to ignore them and rationalize with myself but the truth is, they have been with me as far as I know.

When you find your life quiet and get in touch with the stillness within you, your answers are there. Do you ever get that nagging that won't go away no matter what you do? Do you pursue something, just knowing you are going in the wrong direction, but do so because it's the easier thing to do? Do you avoid going down a path that you know is right for you because the answers as to how to get there aren't clear to you?

I learned today that I need to focus on the journey, which will ultimately lead me to my destination. All this time I have been focusing on the end, and in shifting my focus to the steps I am taking, I feel like my goals are actually attainable. I sure am glad I chose to pick up that shovel this afternoon!

Rachel

A mindful life

2011-01-10T21:26:00.000-05:00

Hello everyone!

First things first. Let's revisit the envisions I had created for my day today from last night's post:

- The needles won't affect Lily with a fever or rash. She will be okay
Lily's appointment went well, and I am relived to know that she doesn't need any more immunizations until she starts school - yay! She was such a brave girl for her needles, she makes me proud. Yes she cried, and yes she shook when she saw them coming near her....or was it me that was shaking? Probably a combination of both! But within 2 minutes, she was giggling again and walking around with a smile on her face. Such a brave and strong girl.

- I will have time (and creative thoughts) to work on writing my book
I wrote for awhile today. I am not one to have the ability to sit down for hours and type. My brain can't handle it. I can only write short periods of time. I have distractions going on around me so it doesn't seem so intense. But tonight I reached what I consider to be my 1/4 way point! I have an idea of how many words I want my book to be and I'm at just over 15,000 now. I plan on saving all the editing to the end, so that's not included.

- I will make a connection with a friend
I did receive an email from someone today needing a bit of guidance and asking for my advice, which I am happy to give. I plan on setting up a girls night in the next couple weeks so I'll send out that email tonight

- Jeff and I will laugh together
He came home for dinner then left after Lily went to bed, so we haven't had the opportunity yet. He should be home in an hour or so and I'll be sure to put my laptop away!

- I will receive positive feedback from my blog or career aspirations
I received a couple compliments on my blog today from new followers, which I really appreciate!

- Someone will randomly compliment me
Does complimenting me on Lily count? This request was pointless. If I leave the house with Lily, I go completely unnoticed. People are so intent on watching her and admiring her that I am just a blur in the background, so this one didn't really happen for me...I would have it no other way though!

- Lily will be happy and healthy
Definitely! She's a joy and her needle didn't cause any harsh effects - yay!

*****
The main cause for my body hanging onto an extra 10 pounds (more like 8 now) is my desire to "night eat." As soon as Lily is in bed and I can sit on the couch to watch t.v, my entire being just craves food. I don't even care so much what it is, I just want to eat eat eat. During the day I eat really healthy but for some reasons, the hours between 7-11 scream "JUNK FOOD!" to my senses. Chips, chocolate, candy, pizza....I don't care what it is, I just want junk.

One of the problems many of us have with our weight involves eating without awareness. How often have you indulged in a fabulous meal and left needing to unbutton your pants? There have been times I have even considering sticking my fingers down my throat to ease the discomfort of my rapidly expanding belly that I can no longer see past. One reason people gain or hang on to extra weight is because we eat without thinking. We eat while doing something else like watching tv. We eat while conversing with other people. We look down suddenly to realize that our plates are empty and we don't remember the last 6 bites we took.

That's my problem. When I take notice of what I eat (like tonight), I eat less. When I pay attention to the quality of the food I consume, I eat healthier. When I am really mindful, my body teeters back to its ideal shape and weight. My body is in equilibrium. My body is exactly where it should be.

The other aspects of our lives work on the same principal. When we are mindful of the way we treat others, we treat them better. When we are mindful of the state of our house, we work harder to keep it clean and tidy. Sometimes our mindful outlook comes from outside sources. For example, if I know we are expecting company, I am more mindful of the condition our house is in and I produce results in line with my desires (I want a clean house to avoid looking like a slob, so I clean).

If you spend a bit more time being mindful of the other areas of your life, you will find equilibrium, and will find that your life is where it should be. Here is what I suggest. List areas of your life you need to be mindful of, it might look something like this:

- Nutrition
- Exercise
- Work
- Home
- Relationship with spouse
- Friends

List (yay lists!) specifically what you want from each area. For me under "nutrition" I might write "stop eating after 8:00. Instead I can drink herbal tea or water, or maybe I will allow myself to eat unlimited veggies." Whatever. I will write what my desires are, ensuring they are beneficial to my health and well being. If I write something down such as "consume only 800 calories a day," I am not making healthy choices. In doing this, I will not be happy, nor will my life be in equilibrium. We are meant to be healthy. After writing down specifics for each area, read through your list every single day. It's too easy to just live your life without much thought. It's when you start to think about change and being aware of your actions that are in line (or out of line) with what you want that the changes you desire actually begin to take shape in your life.

So tonight while I'm being mindful of what goes into my body, I am not engorging in junk and abusing my body. I had a green tea and some dark chocolate.

What areas of your life do you need to be more mindful of?

Until tomorrow, be healthy and kind to yourself!

Rachel

Creating your day in advance

2011-01-09T20:38:00.000-05:00

Hi everyone!

Sorry I wasn't around last night, we had company over and by the time they left, it was just about time for bed. Lily is 18 months old today and life with her is entertaining! She has learned how to demand the station on the television and the radio to be changed. She tells me where to sit and what she wants for a snack. When I'm carrying her around (she's such a Momma's girl), she tells me which direction to go. She knows what she wants and how she wants it. It's amazing for me to witness the solidification of such a strong personality in such a little peanut of a girl. She has her own ideas and opinions, many of which are independent from mine - when did that happen? We go for her needles tomorrow, which hurts my heart. Can't I just take them for her? Wish us luck (and by that I mean wish me the strength I need to not bawl my eyes out when she screams)!

A new tip I have learned on how to live a more mindful life is to create my day in advance. I read about the concept in "The Secret" (page 66 & 67). It is one thing to write out a to do list or ponder what we need to accomplish the following day. It's an entirely different thing to envision the emotions and events you want to attract into the following day. Oftentimes we go to bed dreading what is to happen the next day. Maybe it's Monday and we have to go back to work. Maybe we have an appointment (eek!) that we aren't looking forward to. Maybe we're having a family gathering that we would love to avoid. How many times have you gone to bed with anxiety and worry? How often has your sleep suffered from such worry?

On the flip side, how often have you felt excitement and joy in your bones as your head hits your pillow for the night? Unless something big or important is coming up, that doesn't seem to happen too often does it? Why is it that our opportunity to sleep (ie. rest and repair) is when we spend the time worrying and stressing? With a little bit of cognitive effort, you can use that time between laying in bed and being asleep much more effectively and in a way that may change your life.

All that's needed is a few minutes each night. I suggest that time to be when you are laying in bed, but only because that seems to be about the only time in many people's lives when everything is still and quiet (unless you are my husband who sleeps with earphones and music, I'll never understand that). Close your eyes and envision your day for tomorrow. Your image will change obviously depending on what you have planned and what your obligations are. Regardless of the activities you have going on, envision your ideal day. It should involve joy, laughter, peace, calm, patience. Maybe you will picture a productive day at work including interactions with others in a manner which provides opportunities and networking connections. Maybe you will imagine most of the items on your "to do" list being crossed off. You might imagine creativity flowing through your veins if that's what you require. Your perfect day will differ from mine.

In the few minutes that you envision your perfect day, don't just focus on the images behind your closed eyes. Focus on what you FEEL. That makes it an experience for you, and not just a thought. While thoughts have power, thoughts accompanied by
emotions will change the frequency that you are functioning on, and that's when you really begin to attract like opportunities into your life.

I have no idea what I want from tomorrow since the only thing I have planned is the doctor's appointment. That doesn't matter. Here are some things I will focus on attracting into my life tomorrow:

- The needles won't affect Lily with a fever or rash. She will be okay
- I will have time (and creative thoughts) to work on writing my book
- I will make a connection with a friend
- Jeff and I will laugh together
- I will receive positive feedback from my blog or career aspirations
- Someone will randomly compliment me
- Lily will be happy and healthy

So, create your day for tomorrow! What will you create? I would love to hear your ideas!

How to enter a stressful situation

2011-01-07T21:42:00.000-05:00

Yay Friday! What are your plans for the weekend? We don’t have a whole ton planned but I’m sure we will find lots to do to fill our time!

I had a somewhat stressful event tonight to go to, and I’m kind of glad it’s over now. It actually involved a family “celebration.” I told you a few months ago that a family member was in jail, and he was released today, so a party was thrown, which is a bit of an odd concept but that’s not for me to judge. When he was in jail, I listened to my Dad’s advice and wrote him a letter. For the first time in my life I was honest with him and didn’t sugar coat a single thing. I let him know how much he disappointed and hurt so many people over the years with the decisions he has been making. I gave him ideas and tools to use for his life and in living it well. It was a five page letter full of advice and my desires for him and his own life. Part of that letter included a couple sentences in which I confessed that I had emotionally cut him out of my life and no longer allowed his actions to affect my life. It had been too many years of being hurt, scared and heart-broken over the way he has chosen to live his life, and especially since having Lily, I just can’t be wrapped up in the drama and toxicity. That was the only part in the entire letter he chose to focus on which told me then and there that he still wasn’t willing to change. So needless to say, he has been unhappy with me, so I wasn’t too sure how the party would go tonight.

To be honest, I have no idea why I felt compelled to go. There were other people in my family there that I no longer speak to. I knew it would be awkward, I knew I’d rather just be home with my family, but I went. I’m pretty sure I did it for my Dad, he desperately wanted me to be there. I have grown up with the mindset of needing to pretend – pretending to be the perfect family, pretending to be happy, etc. It was always about image, and that’s what it seemed to be tonight as well.
Most of the night I felt like I had been picked up and plunked in the middle of a foreign country. It’s not a fun feeling to be surrounded by family but to feel completely like a stranger to them. But Lily seemed comfortable and that was important to me.

I kind of knew what to expect though, so I did some things today to prepare for the whole event. I know preparation sounds a bit weird for something like this but I just wanted to share with you some tools I have used which really help me when I am full of anxiety. They can be used for any stressful situation.

1.Assess the situation

If something causes me stress before it even occurs, I ask myself if I really need to participate in it. Is it worth it? Did I really need to go tonight? No, of course I didn’t, I always have the choice. But I chose to go. So the second part in assessing the situation is to consider logic. What’s the worst that could happen? How would I feel at that worst point? How could I solve this problem? Once you have the worst case scenario figured out, you will be prepared for the worst and because you planned for it, you will have no problem coping if it actually comes to light.

2.Visualize peace
It’s almost automatic when a stressful event arises to get all worked up before anything ever happens. Today I managed to get myself into a ball of worry and I realized that was due to my overactive imagination and not from anything that had even occurred. I imagined what emotions might arise tonight, I thought about comments people would throw my way etc. Before I knew it, I was stressed and angry without reason. Just as your negative thoughts have the power to upset your balance, positive thoughts have the power to calm you. So I envisioned a happy, peaceful, simple time in the company of others. I imagined laughing and good conversation. Almost immediately, the calm I was hoping for showed up, and I embraced it like an old friend.

3.Focus your energy elsewhere

I ran on the treadmill today for 30 minutes, which was the perfect way to direct my energy. Other ways of doing so are writing, reading, conversing with friends, cleaning, and I’m sure lots of others that you already take part in. Stress is energy, and if you can burn that energy in a productive task, little will be left to fester unhealthily in your body.

4.Breathe

One of the most powerful tools I learned to combat anxiety is a simple breathing technique. You will be amazed at how immediate an effect such breathing has on a rigid body consumed by stress. It’s called diaphragm breathing. You breathe in through your nose slowly and deeply, ensuring that your stomach expands. When we are stressed we take short, fast breaths that usually come from the chest. Breathing through your diaphragm in long slow breaths is the way we are meant to breathe, it’s how babies breathe, but we forget this through life. When you exhale, you should actually be able to see the stomach flattening. Breathe like this for as long as you need to, but I promise once you are focused on this and once you start breathing this way on a regular basis, your body will feel the effects in a very short period of time. This is the breathing I used through my labour with Lily and it worked miracles in keeping me calm and in control of my mind and body.

I hope that with these tools, you are able to enter an anxiety provoking situation calmly, confidently and with optimism that you will come out unaffected by anything that goes on.

Do you have any tools you use other than the ones I mentioned? I’d love to hear them, I’m sure I could use them in the future!

In the next couple weeks I’m going to be adding a bunch of new pages on this blog with very exciting information, so stay tuned for that, I’m embarking on a journey of making my dreams come true and I can’t wait to fill you in on all the details once I get them ironed out!
Until then, hope you have an amazing weekend full of love and laughter!

What are you willing to do to achieve your dreams?

2011-01-06T20:02:00.000-05:00

Hi everyone!
Hope you are all doing awesome!

I would hope that each of you has at least one dream you wish to achieve in this life. Do you have a vision of how your life should look? Do you have travel dreams, career dreams, relationship dreams or wild, unique dreams? I'd love to hear what your dreams are, I find other people's ambitions and desires to be so fascinating.

I have many dreams for my life. Some are a bit more realistic than others, but they are all very real to me. They don't coincide with the desires Jeff has for his life, and that's okay. Some of our dreams are the same, some are from completely different tangents....on completely different circles.

I would love to travel every square inch of this planet, and experience everything each country has to offer. I know the likelihood of this happening is slim and I am okay with that. My dream of Africa though, is one that I really would like to see come to life one day. If I manage to only get one more place for the remainder of my life, Africa is the place I hope it to be.

My major dreams in life fall into the career category. I feel right now as though I am at a crossroads in life. I have spent so much money (a sickening amount) on education. I am working in a field that I do enjoy, though there are things I am not liking about it. I have always known what I am meant to do with my life, but as I mentioned before, I was discouraged by other people, lacked self esteem to go forward with my dreams, and let my anxiety get the better of me. Life carried forward, decisions were made, years had passed and suddenly here I am, 30 years old, feeling like my life is just beginning and I am trying to figure out what I want to do when I grow up.

My problem right now is that I have this clear vision of what I want from life, I just have no idea how to get there or what steps would be best for me. At times I question my sanity. I wonder how I can make a living doing what I want to do. I wonder if I will ever find people interested in what I have to offer. I wonder if I have the ability to really put myself out there the way I will need to in order to be successful. I wonder, I wonder, I wonder. I just finished the book "Illusions" by Richard Bach and came across this quote:

"Argue for your limitations and sure enough, they're yours"(page 100).

Isn't that the truth? If I feel I don't have the courage to start counseling others, then I won't find it. If I think I will fail with my efforts in writing a book, then I will. If I believe I have limits, then I do and they are exactly what I think they are. You can only achieve what your mind allows you to achieve. If you aren't able to push past the limits you set on yourself, then you will never move beyond them.

Further into the book (page 120) is another quote that reassured me:

"You are never given a wish without also being given the power to make it true.
You may have to work for it, however."

My vision will never come true unless I:
a) Get rid of my negative thinking and believe that I can be successful
b) Work hard

I'm sure you all have gone through similar thinking. How hard are you willing to work to make your dreams come true? Are they important enough to you to put your soul into making them happen? Are they important enough to change your beliefs of yourself? Are they important enough to tell that negative chatter inside your head to shut it? Are they important enough to risk relationships with people who don't believe in you? How hard are you willing to fight to achieve your dreams?

I don't like the word sacrifice. I remember when I was much younger my Mom had read a book about relationships and she was astonished and enlightened by a concept in the book that more or less stated that healthy relationships don't require an ounce of sacrifice. I'm sure that can stir up some debate, but I think the point is that any shortcomings you come across or changes you will make in a relationships aren't really sacrifices if what you are choosing to do makes you happy. In a similar fashion, when you keep your eyes on your dream and put forth the necessary effort to reach that dream, sacrifices don't exist. Changes will come. Chaos may ensue. People may argue with you and try to deter you from going further. Isn't it funny how the road we travel on the way to our enlightened self is never paved with lollipops and singing, dancing fairies cheering you on?

Achieving your dreams is not an easy task, nor is it without fear, frustration and confusion. The end result however, is the ability to look into the mirror and see the reflection of the person you have known all along that you are. You are aligning yourself with who you really are, someone I like to refer to as your "authentic self."

What are you willing to do to achieve your dreams?

*****

In case you're wondering, the picture for this post is me standing beside Pierce Brosnan's garbage! We were in Hawaii for our honeymoon and we did some research to figure out where he lived (I may or may not have had a huge crush on him for many years). We found his house and I wanted proof. I was pretty sure I was going to be handcuffed and whisked away, but I braved it in order to stand beside his garbage...swoon....what a great way to start a marriage - by having your new wife stalk another man!

Pieces of you

2011-01-05T23:13:00.000-05:00

Hi guys!

How are you all? I wasn't up to posting last night so I was grateful for the guest post I had on hand, hope you enjoyed it!

I had a dream a few nights ago of my Mom. At the time I remembered what it was about, but for the life of me, I can't remember a single detail now. I wish I had written it down. I actually used to keep a journal of my dreams as suggested by my Mom. She strongly believed that our dreams were telling us important messages in our sleep, or providing us answers to all our questions. I used to remember 5-6 dreams a night. Anyway, it was one of those dreams you have about someone that almost causes you to reach out to them when you wake up, it was so real. All I can remember about the dream is that we were just doing something normal, a day to day activity, nothing really special or out of the ordinary. But she was there with me and when I woke up, it felt like I had actually spent time in her presence, I felt reconnected to her. Weird, but in a good way. She has been the forefront of my thoughts since.

I was giving Lily a bath tonight. Normally I set the water at the perfect temperature, plug the drain and let the tub fill. Tonight though I was a bit distracted and the water started out a bit too hot, so I added in some cold. I put my hand in the water and swirled it all around, to mix the temperatures. I was immediately hit with a memory from my childhood. My Mom used to swirl the water like that for me every single bath, and it wasn't something I remembered until that second. As my bath water cooled, she would add hot water, but then have to mix the water together so it was the perfect temperature for me. I can clearly remember her arm in the water, treading back and forth in an oblong motion.

This sudden recollection of memories has happened to me time and again, especially since having Lily. It's almost like there is a treasure chest in my mind, full of memories of my Mom. It opens without notice every so often to bring a smile to my face and to remind me that my Mom is always with me. Pieces of her spirit are scattered through this chest and I am so lucky to have access to these memories and glimpses of her spirit. They sustain me. They forbid me to let go. They keep me close to her.

You know what breaks my heart in this? Knowing that if I were to die now, Lily wouldn't have these random flashbacks of me. She wouldn't remember a single thing about me. Her image of me would be painted for her by other peoples memories and stories. She wouldn't remember the way my eyes sparkled when I looked in her direction. She wouldn't remember the care I took in my every moment with her. She wouldn't remember the songs I sang or the "I love yous" whispered in her ear numerous times a day.

This blog is for Lily, it's why I started it and she is the reason I write day after day. The letters I write in a notebook are for Lily. The book I have started to write is for her. I write about who I am and what I believe in. I write about things I have been through and what I have learned. I write about things I observe in Lily, and declare my devotion to her. I hope I express who I am in much of what I write and portray what's most important to me. It hit me today why my passion for writing has been ignited the past six months or so. What I am doing every time I write is leaving behind a piece of me for Lily. In the circumstance that I die before she has the capacity to remember me, I hope she still has access to find pieces of me all around her. I don't expect to live a long life, so in that expectation, I hope that my writing sustains Lily. I hope my words keep me close to her for as long as she is alive.

Why is this important to me? I find that hard to put into words. I have lived the past six and a half years without my Mom. In those moments when Lily feels alone in the world, I want her to know that the one person who has loved her more than anyone else is even minutely capable of, is with her always. I want her to feel my spirit with her always. I want my thoughts and emotions to be transparent, for if she can sense my soul, maybe she will understand my soul and know that she is a miracle. I want her to know that she is perfection. I want her to read my words and in doing so, see the world through my eyes, and see the vision of herself that I hold. In seeing that, she will understand without a doubt that she can be whoever she wants to be, can do whatever she wants to do and is capable of amazing things in her lifetime. Her only limits will be the ones that she places upon herself.

If I live long enough for memories of myself to find their way into Lily's spirit, then I want them to be ~~good~~ great ones. I want them to provide her comfort and joy. I want them to reinforce the fact that she is my world. I try so hard to be patient with her and to nurture her in a way that isn't overbearing. If my Mom had died before she quit drinking, the memories I now have of her would be very different, and they wouldn't provide me the solace I need at times. I would be left wondering why I wasn't good enough for her. I would be left wondering why she needed to escape her reality with alcohol. So much would be unanswered for me, and in not knowing who my Mother was, I would be missing out on knowing part of who I am. I am so grateful for the years after she stopped drinking that provide me very fond memories of the times we have shared together. I will now forever remember her as a compassionate, loving, wise, inspiration, amazing woman and I am proud of her decision and drive to quit drinking because that decision not only changed her life, it has changed my reality, even after her death.

I am not a morbid person, I am just aware that my life can end at any point. I don't take that for granted. Have you thought about this? We all want to leave our mark on this world - what has your mark been? What kinds of memories are you leaving your children with? What will your loved ones remember of you if you were to die right this second? Remember that you may not live another day. The actions you have taken, the words you have spoken today could be the last memories your loved ones have of you - are they the way you want to leave this earth? Or do you need to be more mindful of your interactions with others?

These thoughts don't depress me or cause me anxiety. In fact, they cause me to live with purpose and strive for more. They cause me to be better and do better. They cause me to be aware of everything I have. They cause me to be a better Mom to Lily, and to carve out a future of amazing, heart warming memories for her.

For even after the death of a loved one, the memories keep us connected, and they will be what we cling to during times of confusion and pain. Please make them good ones.

Guest Post - Bozos on the Bus

2011-01-04T20:15:00.000-05:00

“Hey, how are you! Long time no see! How are things? How are hubby and the kids doing?”
“Oh hi, yes, everything is great! Yeah, hubby’s working hard and the kids are doing great! They’re top of the class and busy, busy! Work is good! Yeah we plan on going to Disney soon!Life is great!”

Hmmmmm.....or is it?

After reading a little more of the book Broken Open by Elizabeth Lesser, there’s an interesting part that talks about us all being “Bozos on the bus.” This is when we all portray ourselves as those we are not. Our lives may be falling to pieces, yet we still pretend like life is great and things just couldn’t get any better. We are acting like a bunch of bozos, acting the part of the life we perhaps wish we had. Maybe we dream of the perfect life, the perfect spouse, the perfect children, the perfect home. But in all honesty, WHO actually has that? We all have flaws and shadows in our lives, yet whenever we meet someone, we paint a pretty picture of who we are, as well as our closest family members. Nobody is perfect and nobody has the perfect life. Yet we still pretend that we do because this is how the conversation would actually go.

“Hey, how are you! Long time no see! How are hubby and the kids?”

“Oh, hey how are you! Yeah, well you know, me and hubby have a marriage on the rocks. We never know what’s going on in our marriage. We pretty much live like roommates now. Yeah the kids, well, the girl has been having a lot of problems at school and the boy has an attitude problem. They are getting into a lot of trouble at school and it frustrates me. They talk back all the time and I feel like I am a horrible mother. Yeah, life has taken a turn and it’s really not what I expected it to be! There’s a lot of little challenges in my little life! Work is awful and the bills keep piling up. But one day at a time, right?”

Well, it’s easy to see why we choose to stay bozos on the bus! Obviously, the second conversation can make the other person feel awkward and at a loss for words. So we continue on, acting like life is good and things are perfect.

It takes a lot of energy to do this! Many times I have thought of myself as an Oscar-winning actress because as people are slowly finding out about my ‘real’ life, they are in absolute shock. They cannot believe that I manage to walk around with a smile every single day after finding out all those little imperfections and shadows that lurk in my life. But I do it for my kids. I do it so I don’t lose my mind. I do it for survival. I could crumble and fall apart and end up who knows where. But I choose to continue to live my life as best I can. I spend time with my kids. I try my best to keep in touch with my friends (even though it may be through a Facebook chat or message). I try my best to keep in touch with family. I hug people as much as I can. I laugh at everything that I can. I donate food, clothes and toys, despite not having an income this year. I help those in need. I want to make my life as full as I can to make up for those little empty spaces that won’t disappear.

Despite being a bozo on the bus, I am still the best person I can be right now. I live life to its fullest and embrace the good things in it. I have my health, my kids have theirs. We are lucky to have a home, clothes, warm beds, friends, family, and food. It may not be the best home, the newest appliances, the name brand clothing, or the most expensive roast cooking in the oven. But when I open my eyes to what life could be, I am eternally grateful for everything that I do have, because it is often much more than some people have. My new favourite song is by Justin Bieber and it’s called “Pray”. If you have not listened to this song or watched the video, please do so now. It is BEAUTIFUL. I cry every time I watch it.

Life is good. Despite all the chaos, troubles, and challenges that lurk in mine, I am lucky for the life I live. It could be better, yes, but at least I am blessed with health, family and friends who will support me and help me survive these little challenges.

By the way, thanks to Rachel for letting me share my thoughts on her blog. I cannot believe how much easier it is for me to open up about things with a bunch of strangers! It feels so therapeutic to actually write about all of this! Although nobody has replied to my postings, I could only hope and pray that some of what I share with all of you can one day be helpful to someone. (???)

Appreciating joy through sorrow

2011-01-03T22:54:00.000-05:00

Hi guys,

How are you all? I can't believe the holidays are over and it's back to reality! Hope you're all enjoying 2011 so far.

When we went to the Canada game on Friday, we left the HSBC Center after the game to find that it was raining out, and not just a mist either. I hadn't bothered to bring my jacket because it was mild out, and I wasn't expecting rain. We had about a 15 minute walk back to our vehicle, and managed to get pretty wet along the way. Every now and then we would find an overhang to walk under, and at one point there was a trolley bus waiting area, with a good stretch of overhead for us to take cover under as we walked. I realized then how grateful I was for the shelter.

I once heard someone comment that we can't appreciate the sun without experiencing the rain and on Friday, I fully understood this comment. Had it not been raining, I never would have even had a second thought when I walked under cover, it would have just gone unnoticed. But on this night, I fully felt gratitude for those seconds I wasn't getting rained on. This story is such a wonderful metaphor for life.

I am the way I am because of this. I am who I am, BECAUSE I have experienced fear, unbearable pain, heart break, disappointment, and loss. I wouldn't be the person I am today had I not gone through so much. I just finished reading "The Prophet," here is an excerpt from it:

"Your joy is your sorrow unmasked
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper the sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
...........When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight." (page 29)

Had I not experienced a dysfunctional upbringing, I would never be so conscious and aware of my own parenting, nor would I spend so much time attempting to be the best Mommy I can be.

Had I not experienced a miscarriage, I would never be able to full appreciate the ability my body has to produce life, nor could I completely appreciate the mere existence of Lily's spirit.

Had I not witnessed the toxic relationship between my parents, I never would really understand what a healthy and respectful marital relationship should look like.

Had I not experienced the loss of my Mom, I would never be able to fully appreciate my own life, nor have the ability to find pure joy in simplicity.

Had I not suffered through deep depression and desperation, I would never be able to reach the depths of joy that I can now achieve within myself, without external factors. People ask how I appear to be so strong and so happy despite everything I have gone through, but in truth, it is BECAUSE of everything I have gone through that I am so strong and happy. The challenges we go through become our opportunities to grow, learn, love deeper and live more fully.

Another quote I found intriguing from this book is,

"Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding" (page 52). Is that not just fabulous? In experiencing pain, your understanding increases, as does many other things, such as our ability to connect with others.

Yes, while in the midst of heart ache, we just want to curl into a shell and disappear, I have known that longing deeply and extensively. I have prayed with all that I am to have my pain taken away, if only for a short period of time. Such despair is overwhelming and consuming at the easiest of times. It's difficult to keep perspective and an open mind. It's impossible at times to put a smile on your face or want to get out of bed in the morning. You may just want to stay home and cry, not caring about anything. Work, friends and life in general may no longer matter.

Trust in me when I say that things will get better. Hard to believe when you're in the throes of it all, but inevitably things start to look up and you're once again able to function like a human again. On the other side of what you are going through, you'll be stronger and wiser. Any amount of pain you have experienced in your life is never for nothing.

Think about the first warm day of the year. People are ecstatic, everyone floods outside, moods are lifted, windows are opened, we're inspired to spring clean, and we bask in the day of beauty. Do you think we would be able to find so much appreciation in a warm, sunny day had we not just experienced the dreariness and darkness of winter? Or think about a time when you were really sick with a cold or flu. Remember how grateful you were when you finally rid yourself of the illness. You would never appreciate your health so much had you not just been so ill.

In following the dreams you have for your life, don't take the easy road just so you can avoid the pain. Follow the road you know you are meant to follow, regardless of the heart ache that may come with it, for it is this grief that will allow you to develop into a better version of You.

*****

Good night everyone, I'm completely exhausted tonight. On a side note - Yay Canada, what a great game tonight!!

Eating my own words & Book List

2011-01-02T21:08:00.006-05:00

Hi everyone,

So, I finished the book I was telling you about yesterday. It took until around page 170 before things got interesting, and I must say, the rest of the book centered around complexity, emotion and heart break. I ended up actually really enjoying the book, when just yesterday I was confessing my hatred for it. Serves me right I guess for judging it before its completion.

I don't want to get into details in case you want to read the book for yourself, but there were a bunch of twists and turns at the end, and the play I was complaining about (remember the donkey and monkey talking about a pear for the longest time? Did I mention they lived in a country called "The Shirt" and it was actually a shirt?? To the North of them was the province "The Collar" - see....you can't totally blame me for disliking it so much right?) was actually a metaphor for something completely different and a very powerful something else at that. At one point I actually had tears in my eyes....now that's my kind of book! So, I would actually recommend this book to you if you're looking for a lighter read likely outside of your norm. I'd actually like the read the author's other book "Life of Pi" in the future. There's a quote I love in the book that I will save for another post.

So, I learned a lesson from the book (another one I guess I should say) - that you can't judge something before seeing the entirety of it. Your judgment likely won't be a realistic one or an accurate one if you do. Needless to say, I feel badly for jumping to such a quick and harsh conclusion. The book was actually pretty great after all! (Thanks Grandpa!)

I also was reminded of the fact that we can't always be the ones to decide how and when we experience something new. Sometimes we need a new perspective to introduce us to what we never would have chosen for ourselves, much like this book. I mentioned before in a previous post that at times we require the push of another person to venture outside the realm of our normal life. Reading has always been a huge part of my life. I read a ton when I was a kid and it became my escape from my own reality. I would become the main character and could feel and see what he or she did. I am enthralled when in the middle of a good book and at times lose sleep because I just can't put it down.

Reading gives you freedom. You learn, connect and grow from books. I have learned a ton from every book I have read in some manner. I love fictional stories, self help books, autobiographies, and non fictional stories.....and everything in between! Books are a huge passion of mine, and that is blatantly obvious through the library of books I already have for Lily. Honestly, she probably has over 200 books now and she's not quite 18 months old! Maybe I'll take inventory of them all this week, I'm kind of interested to know how many I have for her, and that's after I got rid of a few boxes worth before we moved....okay so maybe I have a few issues.

Anyways, after I finished reading "Beatrice and Virgil" last night, I decided I want to add on a new wish for 2011, and that's to read more. I don't mean reading the stuff I normally do, but I want to venture out of what I normally would read and try various genres and topics. So I did a search online for inspirational books and came up with a bunch that I'd love to get through this year. I am hoping that you will give me some feedback and let me know some of the books you have loved, or think I would benefit from. I'd be thrilled to add them to my list and see how many I can get through by the end of the year. I'll update the list as the year goes on and I will revisit it at the end of the year with reviews.

Here is the list I have come up with so far: (you can click on the title to read more information on each book, including a summary, from Amazon.ca)

~~Girl with the dragon tattoo~~ By Stieg Larsson. Wow! I started this book and completely spent every single minute I had reading it once I was into it. It's a huge book (841 pages), but when it ended, I wanted more. I'm a big fan of Dean Koontz and Mary Higgins Clark and this book was similar to those types of books, but with greater depth and more complexities. I cannot wait to read the second book of this series!

Girl who played with fire By Stieg Larsson

Girl who Kicked the Hornets Nest By Stieg Larsson

The alchemist By Paulo Coelho

~~Illusions~~ By Richard Bach
This book provides a quick read with small tidbits of insight into the meaning of life. It's a lighter read told as a fictional story. It was an okay book, but didn't hold any "WOW" points for me.

The Secret Life of Bees By Sue Kidd

Beloved By Toni Morrison

Love in the time of cholera By Gabriel Garcia Marquez

Life of Pi By Yann Martel

The Diary of a Young Girl By Anne Frank. My Mom actually bought this book for me many years ago thinking I would like it. I can't wait to read it!

The story of my life By Helen Keller. My Mom owned this book and was completely inspired by it

~~The Prophet~~ By Kahlil Gibran. This book is a short read, but you will need time to really absorb the words and concepts. The writing kind of reminds me of Shakespeare - complex and old fashioned, since it was published in 1923. Great little read with plenty of motivational and inspiring quotes. My favorite quote from the book, "your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding."

No Greater Love By Mother Theresa. My Mom was also very inspired by Mother Theresa, I'd love to read this book.

Lock and Key By Sarah Dessen

Always Looking Up By Michael J. Fox. Great suggestion from a reader!

Stumbling on Happiness By Daniel Gilbert. Another great suggestion from a reader!

Please forward me some of your suggestions and I will add them to my list. I am sure you all can help push me to experiencing something I otherwise wouldn't have had you not shared your suggestions with me, so please do! Have a great night everyone!

Reading between the lines of life

2011-01-01T20:57:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year!!
I hope 2011 is turning out to be a great year for you so far! Last night we got home from the game (which Lily LOVED!) and just stayed home. I'll sheepishly admit that we didn't make it until midnight. I struggled to make it to 11:00, I was ready for bed at 9:30! Oh well, I got plenty of much needed sleep and woke up happy.

I got this book for Christmas called "Beatrice & Virgil," my Grandpa picked it out for me. To me there is nothing better than a gift with thought behind it. If someone buys me a shirt that I will never wear, I don't appreciate it any less because of that. I just think it's so thoughtful for someone to be out and see something that makes them think of me. So anyway, it really touched me to think that my Grandpa picked a book out for me.

Having said that, I'm on page 126 (of 196) and to be honest, I have yet to really enjoy a page. To sum the book up, there's a writer who gets a letter from a taxidermist requesting his help. He goes to meet him and basically what he wants help with is writing a play he has started. The play is about a monkey and a donkey who talk about complete nonsense. There's 3 pages on their conversation about a pear. I just finished a page consisting of them talking about what to do. The content to me is dry and lacking in emotion (which I thrive on!), and the characters don't feel fully developed to me. Honestly, the book kind of sucks.

I remember when I was reading "Eat Pray Love" (which I did in fact love), a couple people told me they just put the book aside and never finished it because they weren't getting anything out of it. At the time, I gasped. Reading is religion to me, you don't just quit on it. For one of the first times, I wouldn't actually mind putting this book away and forgetting about it for awhile, if not forever. But I am committed to reading it, and I have 2 good reasons why, which as usual, are metaphors for life. I love metaphors, have you noticed?

First of all, I feel I have an obligation to finishing this book because of where it came from. I would be full of guilt if I quit on it knowing that my Grandpa chose it for me. Sometimes in life there are things we'd rather not do, but do so for the sake of another. I talk a lot about not spending time doing things that make you unhappy or zap your energy, so I realize this sounds a bit like a contradiction, but the circumstances are different. For example, when I had my Mom's Fundrasier back in June, every single person from Jeff's family was there. I had a few friends there who had never met my Mom and a couple whom I had known for only a very short period of time and weren't going to know anyone else in the room. I have no doubt in my mind that there were at least a few people who didn't really want to be there because of those reasons, but they came. For me. Yes, sometimes in life you spend time doing things you'd rather not, but at times it's necessary - whether to earn money, to share your feelings, or to show someone that you love and support them. The big picture is the motivation - kind of like the ends justify the means. I will never forget the people who came that night for me, I will never be able to express the gratitude of those who supported me and helped me get through that day. So, I will finish this book for my Grandpa, because I appreciate the thought he put into buying it for me.

Secondly I will finish this book because I am looking for a lesson in it. I read the pages in search of something I can share with you all, and for something I too, can get out of the words. As you can see, the book has already inspired a post! When we go through difficult times in life, or face challenges we'd rather run from, it's important to always look for lessons, because there will always be at least one if we are careful to observe. Whether you are waiting in line, or being yelled at by a customer, fighting with your spouse, having car trouble, whatever the case may be, there is always something to learn. I have been amazed by how many learning opportunities and hidden lessons I have come across since starting this blog. The reason these insights have increased is directly related to my level of observation. I am increasingly aware of lessons to be found in circumstances so I can share them with you. So the next time you are in the middle of doing something that isn't thrilling you, look for the lesson. Not only does it make your situation a little more fun, you just might learn one of the most important lessons you ever have. Because of this, I will finish this book and will learn something from it, I am determined of that! The most powerful and life altering insights I have gained in my life have all come from pain, challenges or heart ache. Of course I learn things in my joy and passion, but the ones that really have made an impact on my character have all come from "bad times."

So on that note, I'm off to finish this book with an open mind and thankful heart. I hope that in 2011, you are also able to find powerful lessons during the most difficult times. You will, you just need to be open to seeing them.

What are you settling for?

2010-12-30T22:33:00.001-05:00

Hey everyone!

How are you? Hope your day was as fun as mine was. Lily and I spent awhile this morning at an indoor playground with a friend of mine and her daughter, Lily had a blast and went down the big slide all by herself for the first time ever! It's all she wanted to do. We tried making a snowman with Daddy this afternoon but Lily really hates being in the snow, so that didn't go over so well. Instead she cheered on Daddy as she watched him rolling giant snowballs from the safety inside the house. Tonight we had dinner at friends of the family, Lily was so happy to be with them and with her Nana and Papa. She had such a fun day, which of course made my day awesome.

I stepped on the scale last night out of curiosity. I looked down, thought "oh well that's not so bad," shrugged my shoulders and walked away. Then it struck me what had just happened. I had settled. Before Lily was born, I was 10 pounds lighter and the number that now occupies the scale would have given me a heart attack. Now, it's a number I have accepted....although I haven't really accepted it because I don't like it and don't like how my clothes fit. But I don't do anything to change it, which I know is in my power. I realized last night that I am settling for something that at once was unacceptable to me. I'm not sure at which point I deemed this new number to be okay in my life, but clearly I have, and that's okay, that has been my choice and definitely not something I can complain about since I'm not doing anything about it.

Then I got to wondering what else we settle for in life. I think that over time our original strengths and ideals get whittled down into new ideals and reality. At some point our standards change, without a conscious awareness, and new standards emerge. Maybe the new ones are better, in that they require more from other people and from ourselves, but I doubt that's the prominent occurrence. I think that more often, our standards lower, maybe from a lack of belief, or lack of energy. Whatever the case may be, is there anything in your life that you are settling for that once you never would have imagined accepting? It could be the way someone treats you, a career that is less than fulfilling, the amount of time you put into yourself, your pursuit of passion....etc.

As time goes on, it becomes easy to fall into habits. Our days are full of routine, doing the same things over again, without anything sparking passion, without stepping out of our realm of comfort, and without taking on new endeavors. Just as we find ourselves in this rut of everyday life, so we can find ourselves with new standards. I have seen this happen far too often, though it's an easy thing to see from the outside.

I have seen strong women with great self confidence find themselves in a marriage with a partner who verbally abuses them on a regular basis.

I have seen people who are very passionate about life find themselves caring only about dulling their world through an addiction.

I have seen people working a job that pays the bills but provides them stress, and total displeasure. They spend 40 hours a week miserable and the rest of the time dreading the next day.

I have seen dreams tucked away, passion buried and self worth squashed....all because we have decided that we are no longer worthy of standards. We lower them so much so that their existence becomes irrelevant.

Let 2011 be the year you set standards in your own life, or if you have lowered them, raise them up again. Figure out what areas of your life have suffered - home, relationships, health, career, spirituality etc. I find writing things down helps me to reflect on my goals on a regular basis, and it also gives me visual accountability. Ignore everything going on in your life and imagine a blank canvas on which to paint your new life. When you envision a relationship with your significant other, what does it look like? What do you see and feel? What behaviors will you not accept? When it comes to your health, what do you see? How do you view your ideal healthy body and what routines would your life consist of to incorporate this healthy lifestyle? Determine how each avenue of your life will look, and figure out how you can achieve your desires. Set your standards high enough to be parallel with your self worth, or at least what your self worth should be (it may not be there yet and that's okay).

As a side note, my weight is just a superficial metaphor for the bigger things in life. You have the power to change your life, and re-setting your standards is a great place to start!

*****

I should be around to post tomorrow night, we're going to the Canada game then we'll be staying in for the night, though I doubt either of us will make it to see the ball drop! Be safe tomorrow, and have fun ringing in the new year - one I'm sure will be a fabulous one!

Reflecting Back & Gazing Ahead

2010-12-29T19:30:00.006-05:00

Hi guys! Sorry I didn't write last night, Jeff was busy with my computer all night transferring everything over to my brand new laptop! So here I am and I'm feeling pretty smitten with it already!

I was all gung ho on writing about my goals for 2011 when I realized I had already written that post, whoops! So I thought instead, I would reflect on the 10 highlights from this year and write specifically the 10 goals I'd like to achieve next year. Have you been thinking of your own goals?

First, here are the 10 high points from 2010:

1. Starting my blog
This has definitely been one of the best things about 2010. I started writing in June after reading a very inspirational post from someone else. I have been able to share with you all parts of who I am, and in turn, have learned so much more than I ever imagined I could. I'm so glad I got back into my passion for writing, and just as glad that I've chosen to be so open. It has allowed me to become someone I am proud of, and has opened doors to some awesome relationships. I have learned much from you guys too, more than I was expecting. This blog has been such a blessing to my life in so many ways.

2. Moving into our new home
In May we were able to finally move into a house that had been a work in progress for a long time. Jeff and I found a blueprint online and modified it to meet our needs and preferences. We have much more space for Lily to enjoy, a dishwasher and a garage for my car....swoon...We are so lucky to be able to live in a house that more than satisfies our needs and hope this is our forever home!

3. Celebrating Lily's first birthday
It was an incredible first year with our baby girl and we had a wonderful celebration on July 9th, surrounded by friends and family. She had a great day and was showered with gifts and love. She is the world to us and we are honored that we have been given the opportunity to watch her grow.

4. Starting hot yoga
I have always wanted to try hot yoga and finally found the courage to give it a shot after my miscarriage in November. I am happy that I branched out to try something new and was able to push my mind and my body beyond their limits. It allowed me to reflect on my emotions, accept them, and find peace within it all.

5. Living outside my comfort zone
I have really opened myself up to others this year, and have socialized beyond my normal limits. I have tried new things, gone new places and really upped the ante as far as my comfort level goes. In doing so, I have learned so much about myself and what I am capable of. I hadn't realized the limits I was putting on my life.

6. Raising money for Cancer
June 25th I held a Fundraiser for Cancer with a "Girl's Night In" event. It was the perfect way to honour the life of my Mom and it was awesome being with so many beautiful, strong, inspirational women. We raised $1500 for cancer and had such a wicked night, I can't wait for the next one in 2011!

7. Donating toys to childrens hospital
This was on my Life List, and I'm so glad I was able to achieve this. Jeff and I brought a ton of toys to McMaster Childrens Hospital this month (with the help of so many generous and thoughtful people), and I know they brought smiles to the faces of many children on Christmas morning

8. Ski trip in Vermont
Jeff and I ventured out without Lily for a weekend of fun in Vermont. It was a great getaway where we were able to connect and enjoy each others company. It's something we have always wanted to do and I'm glad we found the opportunity to do so

9. Visiting Buddhist Temple
Again, something on my Life List. Anxiety has always held me back from visiting a temple, but this summer I was determined. I was disappointed with the experience but I'm glad I went to find that out

10. Freely talking about anxiety
This is a HUGE accomplishment for me and while at first I was feeling really uneasy about opening up about this, I'm glad I did. I have connected with a few other people who also have gone through this and in being honest about it all for the first time in my life, I feel like I am finally free from the control it has had on me for so long.

And for the top 10 goals for 2011:

1. Complete Postpartum Specialist certificate
This is something in the works and a job I think I'd love. I'm maybe 1/4 the way through the program, and can't wait to put it to use!

2. De-clutter our basement
I have already started with organizing cds and dvds. Today I spent the ENTIRE day organizing pictures, it was so tedious, yet I'm glad it's done. I threw out over 200 pictures and put the rest into 3 photo boxes I have. It looks much better, though I still have some work to do with them, such as labeling the individual albums. Our basement (unfinished) has become a dumping grounds for all our junk and things we have no other place for. I want it organized and clean by the end of 2011

3. Obtain "Counseling for Professionals" certificate
This is a big one for me and I can't wait to complete this. I have 4 courses to take, hopefully I can take one at a time until the end of the year. I don't necessarily feel I need the certificate to start working in the field of counseling, but I think it will be a nice reinforcement for others to see

4. Practice yoga regularly
Hot yoga has really helped me getting through my miscarriage, so I'm hoping to make yoga a regular practice in my life. Not only is it great for keeping me in shape, it's great to quiet my mind and push myself to work harder and strive for more.

5. Start working part time as counselor
I don't expect I can make this a full time career on my own, but I'd love to start counseling women in their own lives, it's my dream, and always has been. I hope to begin the process of turning it into a reality in 2011

6. Finish at least the first copy of my book
I have started writing a book and haven't quite grasped the full concept of what my book will be yet. I do have a good start on it though and hope to finish the first draft by the end of next year

7. Take a cooking class
This is something I have always wanted to do and hope to take one this year, even if it's just a one time thing.

8. Donate more money this year than last
I have a plan set up to raise money or items every month for 2011. Giving back is important to me but not something I have done much of, mostly because of the anxiety. Looking forward to what this year brings.

9. Get 50 followers for my blog
I like to know that what I write is being read by other people. It's important to me to know that I have readers, and that my voice is being heard. I'd love to reach 50 followers by the end of next year!

10. Make our house feel like home!
Right now our house is still pretty bare, as far as the walls go. It doesn't feel much like home, we're missing a lot of personal touches. I hope to find some beautiful pieces that will reflect who we are in here so it will feel more like home.

*****
I don't know about you, but I sure am looking forward to next year!

Good night everyone!

Christmas 2010

2010-12-27T19:22:00.004-05:00

Hi guys,

I have missed you! I hope your holidays were full of love and laughter, and that your bellies are just as content!

I had a great holiday. It was a very busy few days, but in a good way. We spent tons of time with family, and Lily was in her glory, she is full of bliss in the company of loved ones. Her favorite gifts were a play kitchen and her first baby doll. She completely squealed when she saw her doll and kept yelling "Baby, Baby!!" over and over. Her whole body shook and her eyes lit up from me to Jeff, waiting for us to open the package. It was such an amazing thing to see, there's nothing better to me than to see her so completely happy. Then of course she was spoiled by everyone around us, I had to actually come home and rearrange her play room to include all her new stuff. She had a fantastic time visiting everyone and despite being up way past her bedtime (6:30) the past 3 nights, she was a perfect angel the whole time. How many times can I say that we are so ridiculously blessed to be her parents?

I also thought about those who don't have family or friends this time of year. I cannot imagine how lonely it is to see everyone happy together and not have anywhere to go or anyone to celebrate with. I know how hard the holidays have been on me since losing my Mom and even then, I have never been alone, I always have had Jeff and other people with me. Even this year, with all the excitement and joy that Lily brings, there was still a tug at my spirit, especially now that it's all over and everything has died down. I am so grateful for Jeff's family and spending our time with them. I am grateful to have my Grandparents and to see how smitten they are with Lily. I am grateful to my Dad, who I know, would do anything for me. I just miss my Mom. Especially at Christmas. I was missing our bean, we would have known by now if it was a boy or girl and I envision what I would look like. We were missing Jeff's Gramps too, we miss having him around and wish he could still be here. Holidays are a wonderful time to spend with our family and friends, it's a time to celebrate and rejoice. It's also a time to remember and reflect and embrace memories of those who have left us.

I don't reflect on negative things very often or for too long, yet Christmas manages to trigger my pain, and that's okay. It's not a bad thing, this allows me to really think of my Mom in a positive way, and while those thoughts are full of yearning, they're also full of joy, and serve as a reminder to what's important in life. So I took the time this Christmas to really soak in every moment and detail. I paid attention to the interactions Lily had with everyone around her, and tried to have good conversations with people around me. I find sometimes I get so lost in watching everything Lily does that I forget there are other people in the room, and before I know it, it's time for us to leave and I haven't really spoken to a single person in a meaningful way. It's something I need to work on. I need to find a balance of taking in every aspect of Lily's life and enjoying the company of others as well.

One thing I have learned this holiday is to avoid over indulging (and I don't mean in food, though that's a good lesson too!). I bought Lily a ridiculous amount of stuff and after about 2 or 3 gifts, she had no interest in anything else. It was a couple things I knew she would love that made her happy. It was time with her family that she enjoyed the most. Going overboard with material things is teaching her that's what's important, and I surely don't want that. I want her to appreciate family and the traditions we have together, that's what I want her to look forward to each year. I spoke with someone in Jeff's family and she said that she too, came to that realization. One year, her and her 2 boys actually got some of their new toys, packed them up and walked them down to a charity that could really use the toys for needy children. What a fabulous idea and a great lesson for her kids!

Also, Lily would unwrap each gift and want to open up the box, and play with it right then and there. The other presents could wait, she wanted to enjoy that gift fully. At first I kept putting gifts in front of her urging her to open the next one, but I soon realized the importance of what she was choosing to do. How often do we rush our kids? How often do we cause them to miss moments because we have learned to live so fast paced? Honestly, that girl teaches me so much more than I teach her!

Did you learn anything this holiday? One reason I love this blog is because it forces me to pay attention. I am constantly looking for lessons I can share with you, and it has changed my life. We can't learn anything if we're closed off. Once you are open and observant, you'll be so amazed by how much you can learn, and you may be even more surprised by WHO teaches you some of the most important lessons in life!

Good night everyone, I hope you are all well!

Holiday Spirit

2010-12-23T12:55:00.003-05:00

Hey everyone!

Happy Christmas Eve Eve! Hope you're all ready for the holidays and not risking your life by venturing out to the malls! I'm not sure whether or not I will have time to post tomorrow or Saturday as we will be enjoying time together with a packed schedule, so I wanted to talk about the holidays in this post.

Yesterday I was at the grocery store and the line ups for checking out were pretty long. As usual, there were a lot of huffs, puffs and miserable faces all over. In general, people hate to wait for things. I know when we go out to eat, my Dad absolutely cannot stand waiting for the bill, and I can see it immediately after finishing his meal. He'll start looking around, even if I'm talking. He'll get antsy, and start shifting back and forth. He'll get out his money or card and then the complaining begins.....it drives me crazy that he can't just sit and appreciate the company I keep rather than wanting to be elsewhere.

So at the grocery store yesterday there were many unhappy people. In the aisle next to me, there was a woman with a whole ton of stuff in her cart and a lady behind her with just a handful of things. I was happy to see the woman aware of the situation and offer to let the lady ahead of her. While most would have gladly accepted and probably would have complained in the process about the length of the lines, this lady politely declined. She simply said "no thank you, this gives me a chance to catch up with the headlines" (of the magazines bordering the aisle). I was shocked, yet I understood. I have learned this past year to not be rushed or feel that tug of impatience inside me. We can fully make use of the time we are left in waiting, because let's face it - waiting is inevitable. I loved this lady's attitude and just from that simple act, had an insight into her character, and I liked what I saw.

When I have to wait, I do plenty to keep myself occupied and embrace the opportunity to be still. Mostly these days I use the time to bond with Lily. We play and chat, I will explain things to her or point out something I think she might find interesting. Time with her isn't made more or less important based on our environment.

I used to do little exercises when waiting, like calf raises or flexing various muscles. Sometimes I will check my email, construct a to do list or imagine my ideal life. I am a huge people watcher and have learned the value of observing other people's behaviors. I learn a lot about life and love through watching interactions of others around me and don't feel as though my time is wasted no matter how long I have to wait. There are continual opportunities to learn, and if we aren't still long enough to see them, we really can miss out on some wonderful things.

I read on a church sign yesterday something along the lines of "Christmas is not a day, it's a spirit." Loved it. Why is it that people are downright miserable around the holidays? I see people rushing, pushing, cursing and treating their children as burdens. We have forgotten the meaning behind Christmas. You don't need to be religious to appreciate the spirit of family and giving. My favorite part of Christmas is having so much time with family, and I know Lily is going to be completely delighted to see everyone she loves so much in the next week. Christmas is a time to drop everything else in life to just be with loved ones. I also enjoy giving gifts, especially when I think I have found something perfect for someone else. I'm so looking forward to seeing Lily open up her gifts this year. She opened a couple last night from one of my best friends and she was so happy. She just sat there with a smile on her face and squealed with glee to see her new "Melmo" ornament. Her appreciation doesn't waver, and it's an uplifting thing to witness.

Last week I was driving and the school buses must have just departed for their corresponding schools because I passed about 10 of them in a row, and actually was following another one. After passing by about the third bus, I realized that each driver waved to the bus in front of me. Clearly the drivers were part of a community and it struck me odd that they all take the time to wave to one another when, I doubt, they actually know the person they are waving to. Jeff's family had a cottage in Bancroft for a long time and it's the same thing there, you were always aware of who you shared the lake with and it was natural to wave to everyone you passed, though they were complete strangers. Cottage life is great because there's such a community feel to it, which I guess is the same for bus drivers.

We don't do this, do we? Even if we see someone we recognize, we might avoid their gaze and pretend we didn't see them. We don't take the time to acknowledge those who share the same space as us and I'm not sure why. One thing I recently took note of is how I interact with people serving me in some way (waiter, cashier, gas attendant, etc). I realized that I would mutter thank you, but without a glance or a smile, which to me, makes my appreciation insincere. Now I really pay attention and take an extra second to look the person in the eye and smile while thanking them because really, I do appreciate what they have just done for me. Do you take the time?

This holiday season, find that spirit and share it. Take the time to really thank those around you, with sincerity. Acknowledge those around you and take the time to slow down your life and thoughts so you can really appreciate the moment.

Merry Christmas everyone, I hope you are able to surround yourself with people who lift you up and ignite your spirit!

30 years in review

2010-12-22T10:48:00.005-05:00

Hi guys!

First off, thanks so much for the birthday wishes, I sure am feeling the love today! It's been fantastic being surrounded by so many amazing and loving people, and I appreciate you all!

So, how does it feel to be 30? Age doesn't scare me as much as it used to, though I must admit the number itself is a bit shocking to me. I still feel like I'm no older than 21, so to hear 30.....well it just sounds old! I am so looking forward to my thirties though. My teenage years were just disastrous but not without important lessons. I learned the definition of dysfunctional relationships and friendships. I learned what it feels like to be in the depths of despair. I learned that I was the only one I could rely on.

My twenties were a time of settling and solidifying. I graduated teacher's college and started in on my teaching career. Jeff and I got engaged and then married and we settled into our first house and this year were able to build our dream house that we hope to be in forever. I spent a lot of time figuring out who I was and what I wanted from life. We had our first baby and learned how to parent and what to do with a little creature who fully depended on us. It was a decade of learning and searching.

I see the next decade of my life as one of really evolving into who I am and spending my time doing what I am meant to do. I see it as a time of living fully and that excites me. My twenties provided me the stumbling blocks I needed to now turn into stepping stones toward fulfilling the dreams I have for my life. Now that I am 30, I feel like I have the world in the palm of my hand and the freedom to make it mine. So am I feeling down about my age? Absolutely not! My Dad told me yesterday that my mom really had a hard time with turning 30, but I think of the alternative. It's either turning 30 or not being alive long enough to see it....so I am grateful to be here today and so looking forward to what this next period of my life holds!

I'd like to share with you some quotes that I feel have been some of the best lessons I have learned over the last decade, enjoy!

"You and I have the power to raise above our external circumstances. We always have the choice to be strong and positive when things fall apart." - Robin Sharma

We always have a choice in life. We can choose to let challenges get the better of us or be better because of the challenges. You choose how you let grief, anger and pain drive your life.

"Blaming others is often excusing yourself." - Robin Sharma

Take responsibility for your life and your actions. Where you are now is not the result of others. It is the result of your thinking, actions and beliefs.

"Every day life will send you little windows of opportunity. Your destiny will ultimately be defined by how you respond to these windows of opportunities" - Robin Sharma

Take the time to notice the signs and opportunities around you. Know that you are worthy of accepting them. Feel the fear and do it anyway!

"Your days are your life in miniature. As you live your hours, so you create your years.....there's no such thing as an unimportant day" - Robin Sharma

The days you create will be a reflection of the future you are paving for yourself. Live with passion and love and don't take a single instant for granted.

"Soft is hard. It's easy to put yourself first. It's easy to get angry when someone disagrees with you. It is easy to complain or condemn or take the path of least resistance. What takes guts is to stand for something higher, to behave greater and to be of service to others" - Robin Sharma

Be true to who you are. Listen to that whisper within you and follow it. Live the life you were meant to be regardless of the opinions and thoughts of others. This is not their life, it is yours and only you can determine what that will entail.

"There can be no authentic success and lasting happiness if your daily schedule is misaligned with your deepest values.....if there is a gap between what you do and who you are, you are out of integrity. I call it the integrity gap" - Robin Sharma

If you have a vision of who you want to be, live that vision. If you have a passion for something, live that passion. Walk your talk.

"If you think you are too small to have an impact, try going to bed with a mosquito in the room" - Rosa Parks

One of my all time favorite quotes. Giving to others and being a great example will impact other people, no question. You may not be able to see that impact, and that's ok, that isn't your responsibility or the purpose of your actions.

"Change your thoughts and you change your world." - Norman Vincent Peale

Thoughts guide our life and attract similar energy into our world. Pay attention to the way you think - do you constantly criticize? Do you see the bad in everything? Or do you appreciate your surroundings and see the joy in simplicity? Once you focus your thoughts on positivity and gratitude, you'll be flabbergasted at what enters your life.

"Surround yourself with only people who are going to lift you higher" - Oprah Winfrey

LOVE this one! I have really learned this one the past year. I am so much more content and at ease with the company I choose to surround myself with. The people in my life all have contributed to my growth and enabled me to be who I am...enhanced who I am even. They challenge me to be better and insist on me following my dreams. They all love, respect and appreciate me, and our time together lifts me up and energizes my soul. People who used to get a charge out of picking at my spirit and pointing out everything wrong with me are no longer in my life. I am free.

"A happy person is not a person in a certain set of circumstances, but rather a person with a certain set of attitudes." Hugh Downs

And probably the biggest, most powerful lesson I have learned through my 20's is that happiness is a choice. It has nothing to do with what surrounds you, it is found within you. If you aren't happy with your life, it's because you have chosen to be unhappy. Once you realize that and choose to be happy, other people and external events can't touch you. So powerful.

Hope you had a great day everyone, chat with you tomorrow!

Outside your limits

2010-12-20T08:47:00.005-05:00

Hi guys!

First, let me apologize.I finished a post I had started a few months ago before we left for the weekend and published it. I didn't realize that when I did that, it will publish on the date you originally start the post, so it published in my July archive - whoops! I fixed it, so it can now be found below. But, I really didn't mean to just abandon you! So Jeff and I got back last night from a ski weekend away in Vermont, and we had a blast! It was his gift to me for turning 30 on the 22nd this month (just a couple days away, holy hyenas!)It was an awesome plan and considering the past couple months we have had, we certainly deserved the opportunity to just relax and enjoy each others company. I am so glad we went and I am also so glad to be back, I missed Lily so very much. It was awesome to see her again. She lit up and screamed my name, then ran across the room to hug me. What a fabulous way to come home!

Jeff taught me how to ski maybe 6 years ago. He started skiing in elementary school, so he's been at it for awhile. I remember him taking me up the bunny hill the first time. I had this image of what a bunny hill would look like and what stood before me consisted of about 12 of the hills I had envisioned. I turned to him and said "THIS is the bunny hill???" hoping he'd laugh and tell me he was kidding, then lead me to another hill a quarter of the size. But here we were and the lesson was about to begin. Before a word could come out of his mouth however, I tried moving toward him, and instead started sliding on the decline. So the first run of my life consisted of me tumbling down the hill skis overhead/sideways/behind me until finally I ended in a crumpled, mortified heap at the bottom of the hill with 3 years olds gracefully whizzing by me.

I didn't really want to get up again after that. I couldn't see how I would master the art of this crazy sport. I am scared of heights, I hate being cold and I'm definitely not graceful. The idea of the whole sport was insane to me and I never thought I'd be one of those pros gliding down the hill with ease.

Here we are years later and I have come to actually really enjoy skiing. I find it peaceful up on top of the hill, with gorgeous views of the city, surrounded by mountains and trees. I love the crispness snow capped branches provide. I feel light when I'm heading down a slope, and enjoy the thought process that happens for the length of the hill. I look ahead of me and plot where I want to go. I look for patches of ice or fluff (I hate the fluffy areas) that I should avoid. I determine when I want to speed up, and love that feel of wind in my face. I dodge in and out of those still learning and by the end of it, though my legs are usually burning, I am filled with a sense of accomplishment. And the process repeats itself over again. While at times I wish I could ski in the middle of summer (I HATE being cold!!), I truly appreciate all the challenges and comforts skiing provides.

I never would have realized this love had I not pushed myself outside my limits. I pushed myself past my fear of heights, I pushed beyond my fear of falling and gradually increased how fast I felt I was capable of going. I fell this weekend on a black diamond, and instead of cowering in fear, I got up, dusted myself off and put fear on the back burner as I ventured my way back down the hill to catch up to Jeff(and fell again a few seconds later as it turned out, but I again dusted myself off, hehe).

I pushed myself further and then a little bit further outside of my comfort zone. Yes, there is a level of discomfort, there is a sense of fear and apprehension. But it is only through pushing ourselves and experiencing discomfort that we have the ability to grow. This weekend I was completely comfortable on the slope and only a short period of time ago, I never would have thought that possible. I pushed myself and was able to grow, learn and appreciate something new in my life, and it has opened up new challenges and opportunities for me, my life has been expanded. I have been able to spend time with my husband, sharing in a common interest. I have gotten over my fear of falling, instead trusting in myself and my surroundings. I have a new passion in life and I am so glad I have stepped outside my (perceived) limits. We open up so many more doors and experiences when we put aside our need to stay stagnant and instead let in a level of discomfort in the knowledge that we will be better because of it in the end.

At times, the push may come from another person. Had Jeff not initially encouraged me to partake in something he really enjoyed, we never would have had this experience in Vermont. It doesn't matter where the push comes from, as long as we are open to the experience and willing to trust in the benefits this new venture may have in our life.

We are all about instant gratification and tend to gravitate toward experiences that will bring us the good feelings the soonest. Many times though, the best things in life are those that have taken the longest to achieve.

****

I have been writing, writing, writing these days and loving every minute of it! As I mentioned a few times, I'm working on writing what will hopefully turn into a book in the next couple years and I need your help. I'm well into it, and have decided that I would also like to include quotes and small tidbits of advice or inspiration from others who have experienced loss. I would love to interview people (I'm thinking 20-30) who have lost someone close to them and would like to share what that experience has been like and what lessons have been learned (this includes miscarriages too). If you have been in this situation and would be willing to share your thoughts with me, I would need maybe 30-45 minutes of your time to answer some questions. I can do the interview in person, or via email, whatever your preference is. Thanks in advance to anyone who participates!

My current life manifesto

2010-12-16T19:46:00.000-05:00

Hi all!

Hope you're all well and looking forward to the weekend, can't believe it's almost here already.

I'm not really in the mood to write tonight, I'm very emotional and can't be sure what I write will do anyone any good! We're getting ready to head out for the weekend, which means leaving Lily, which is so hard on me. I know Jeff and I will have a great time, and know that she will be just fine, but it literally hurts my heart to know I'll have to go 3 days without seeing her sweet little face....sigh.....

I had this awesome idea for a post while I was out with Lily and for the first time, I completely forgot what it was! So I'm going to post something I wrote a few months ago but never bothered posting. Fill in your own blanks, it'll provide you a bit of insight!

I am a Mommy, a wife, a teacher, a friend, a sister, a daughter, a counselor, a woman.

I believe that we possess the ability to create our own happiness in life.

When I was little I had big dreams for who I wanted to be and what I wanted to do.

Right now I am at peace with my life.I am so lucky

I love waking up in the morning to a new day - life is precious and beautiful.

What I know for sure is if I were to die tomorrow, I will die content with my life. I have no regrets, and have had a life full of love, laughter and joy.

I’ve never been more happy than when I laid eyes on Lily after she was born and saw that she was healthy.

I have a penchant for everything to do with Africa - the land, the people, the stories.

I wish all of us could start taking responsibility for our own lives, be kind to one another, love without reservation and laugh without hesitation.

I dream of visiting Africa and volunteering some how

People tell me I inspire them.

I was born to guide, teach, counsel, and help others.

I am particularly good at most sports.

What I want most in the world is to show my daughter what it is to be a strong, beautiful, kind, giving, happy, courageous, independent woman. My dream is to have her, as a teenager, come to me and tell me that she admires me and wants to be like me. Nothing in the world would be more flattering and uplifting to me.

I was a broken spirit during my teenage years.

I indulge in green tea, good books, and the internet

The words I hold closest to my heart are "I love you no matter what" - My Mom, and "Wuv woo" - Lily

If I get a chance I will do everything on my Life List

I live for my baby girl.

I believe the most important thing in a person is to be true to who you are.

I have an amazing life full of incredible people.

If I had a superpower it would be to create peace in this world, and put an end to war.

I hail to Mother Theresa, Maya Angelou, my Mom, and Lily, whom has taught me incredible lessons on the meaning of life.

The big idea of my life is to follow my spirit instead of denying it, to surround myself with people and things that I am passionate about and to tell my life story in a way that will touch the lives of others.

I am dedicated to learning, improving on who I am, having a good, strong character and teaching others about the lessons I have learned in my life.

Happiness is doing what you love, loving without hesitation, letting go of fear that holds you back, and spending time with those who ignite your passions.

I feel most alive when Lily and I play. Her awe at every single thing reminds me of what life is all about. I feel alive when Lily smiles at me, or puts her arms around me for no reason other than she wants to take a moment to show that she loves me.

*****

Have a great weekend everyone, I'll chat with you again Monday or Tuesday!

Much love

To be your Mommy....

2010-12-14T18:56:00.004-05:00

Hi guys,

I normally write letters to Lily in a notebook I started for her when I was pregnant. I know lots of you are Moms too, so I figured I'd change things up and share a letter with you. Hope you enjoy it!

*****

Dear Lily,

I am about to turn 30 years old, but to be honest, I have really only felt alive for the past year and a half. I don't know what I did with my time before you came along but I'm sure my days weren't half as meaningful as I thought they were at the time.

My days now are so full. So full of love. So full of laughter. So full of bliss. The days are so busy now yet I slow them down as much as I can to fully appreciate every second I am with you. I cherish the time we have together and can only hope we have many more years (decades) with each other.

I laugh at simple things now because all my defenses have been dissolved with merely the first sight of you. Tonight you were fussy and didn't want to go to sleep. I was in your room trying to comfort you and you looked up at me, said "hi" and started to giggle. I turned my head and covered my mouth and giggled along with you. You are constantly cracking me up and I doubt I have laughed as much in my entire life as I have the past 17 months.

Every morning is like Christmas to me. As soon as I hear you chatting away in your room, I go in and we both laugh and cheer to greet the day and each other. I am excited every day I awake and am grateful for another day with you. How could I wake up in a bad mood when I am met with your face? It's impossible. The fact that I am alive to see another day, and that you are with me, is enough for me. That alone is the greatest gift. So much to be grateful for.

I don't want to leave the house unless you are with me. You love going places and I would hate to have you miss out on an opportunity to come with me. Despite it being more challenging to have you with me, I usually put things off until I know you are able to come. I never want to be without you, the company you keep is above any other I have experienced. Together we embody love, appreciation and pure joy.

I learn so much from you, sometimes I think you're the wisest person I have ever met. When you are angry, you tell me. When you are happy, you giggle and laugh without holding back. When you're sad, you cry and tell me you need me by reaching out to me. You soak in every experience in life. Simple things make you happy - like seeing your Nana and Papa - you literally squeal with delight. You are kind to everyone you meet. I sing terribly around you, I don't do my hair or make up sometimes, other times I don't bother getting dressed. You love me and accept me just the way I am. You don't waste your energy being angry or sad. You allow yourself to feel the emotion, you express how you are feeling, then you let it go and don't remember it again. I apparently didn't need to spend my time reading books, going to therapy or working on myself...I just needed you to come into my life. You have taught me more than you will ever realize, and I know there are so many more lessons coming my way.

Your full toothy smile, your high pitched giggle, your sparkling eyes that are full of life, your kind, gentle and loving spirit, your need for affection.....everything about you has now become my reason for everything.

My reason for being a better person.
My reason for following my dreams.
My reason for not settling for anything in life.
My reason for having the best relationship with your Daddy that we can have.
My reason for appreciating time and health.
My reason for complete gratitude for simplicity
My reason for living my life fully.

How is it that a tiny 21 pound creature can have such power over me? When I look into your eyes, I see the universe. I see everything that defines the beauty of life. I see Daddy and myself in your eyes and see that you are nothing short of a miracle.

The love I have for you could never be put into words. You are entwined into every fiber of my being. I would do anything in this world for you. You bring a smile to my lips with just a fleeting thought of your face. Nothing in this life seems negative when I look at you. You have put all that in perspective. Something that once would have ruined my day is now shrugged off. My love for you will never diminish, nor is it based on anything. It just is. It is pure and could conquer the world if I were able to turn it into a tangible object.

Lily, my life has changed so much since you have come along. If I am angry or sad, I just need to be in your presence for mere seconds before I feel the anger or sorrow dissolve to be replaced with joy and gratitude. If I am feeling down about myself, I notice the way you see me and realize that your vision is untainted, and you see me as a beautiful, fun, loving person....so I must be, right? I can be feeling alone, then I see your teeny fingers reach for my much larger hand, to bring me somewhere with you. What that tiny hand is really doing is gently grasping my weary heart and pumping life into it. I am finally living, and I owe that all to you. You are my world, my life, my breath. I hope you will always know this and always feel the depth of my love. Please don't ever question my love and devotion to you, for long after I am gone, they will forever remain with you.

Thank you for showing me what life is supposed to be.

I am so incredibly blessed to have the honor of calling myself your Mommy. I love you baby girl.

Mommy

Guest post - Finding the Courage to change Your Life

2010-12-13T22:22:00.005-05:00

Hi everyone! Hope your week is off to a great start so far! I apologize I don’t have the energy to write tonight, so I’m having a guest poster write instead. I’m coming down with a cold and am completely exhausted from little sleep last night. I hope you enjoy this very personal post and hope to see some support or advice! I know it brought tears to my eyes. Please let me know if you would like to write something for me, I’d love it!

*****

"When you want to change your circumstances, you must first change your thinking." (page 72).

This quote was from Rachel’s blog on Friday evening. I just can’t seem to get it out of my mind because it is exactly what I am living. My first guest blog was about following your dreams, and never giving up, despite the obstacles in your way. However, I am beginning to run out of steam. My little engine that could had been chugging along at a slower speed and turning in circles.

There comes a time when you feel completely overwhelmed and ready to give up the fight. I have been holding on strong for over 11 years, but I sometimes wonder how much more I can handle. Without getting into too many personal details, I find I have been staring at a stalemate (hmmm, there may be a pun in there!) and due to my decisions to pursue my education and career, a certain part of my life has completely crumbled. My marriage is pretty much non-existent and we have turned into roommates. There is a lot of resentment from his part, some envy about my career moving forward, and frustration due to his increasing responsibilities with the kids. The past year has been more difficult than the rest, especially since I no longer have an income because I am at Brock full time. Only 5 more months of this crazy, stressful lifestyle and then I will be faced with finding the courage to make a change.

This change is going to be life-altering for each person in my family because I think I need to leave this unhealthy relationship. There have been a few incidents that have become so heated that I felt fear. I really don’t think living in fear is healthy and my kids deserve peace and happiness. People have told me that when you enter my home, you can feel the tension and it’s so thick that you need a knife to cut through it. I agree. There is such a buildup of anger and resentment, and despite my best effort to be happy and peaceful, sometimes things anger him and there’s no repair. I will discuss what happened last night and you will see how immature and disturbing he can be.

It was my last day at my teaching block and I was invited to their staff party at a restaurant in St Catharines. I was nervous about driving downtown and my neighbour offered to drive me. I gladly accepted! As I was getting ready to go, I felt the anger brewing in his soul and I saw it into his eyes. Every single day I have had to dress professionally to look like a teacher, which is fine. But last night, I wanted to put my jeans on and my tall black boots (there’s not even a high heel). When my neighbour came to get me, she commented about how good I looked and it was wonderful to see me dressed up and getting out of the house (I am often in my jammies and in bed early!). It made me feel great, but my hubby felt even more anger and jealousy. It was a horrible feeling. I almost decided to not go and stay home and not have to deal with this horrible feeling. BUT I didn’t. I deserved a night out and I was going. I enjoyed myself and laughed so much, it felt great. Laughter truly is the best medicine. But when I got home, he huffed and puffed and stomped around, went into the basement perhaps threw or kicked a few things and then stormed out and left in his car. How immature is that? I am 35 years old and can’t have a night out? Completely unfair.

So I read Rachel blog and it just totally made sense to me and the timing was perfect. I realized a long time ago that I needed to make a significant change in my life, but I feel the urgency of making this change sooner than later. But I am stuck, and he knows I am stuck. I am a full time university student, no income and nowhere to go. He knows this and uses this ‘power’ over me. It’s an unhealthy power, and it makes me feel powerless.

The reason I love Rachel’s blog so much is because for that moment after I read it, I feel strong and powerful, but in such a positive way. I feel inspired to make changes and be a better person. I feel the power to make my life a happier and healthier one for myself, and my children. I feel blessed. But then I wake up to my reality and ask myself once again, “How am I going to make the change? How am I going to find the courage to leave? Where will I go?”

I know I need to make a change. I have been told to feel the fear and do it anyway. Easier said than done. After asking for a sign, it’s funny how the universe does indeed send messages! How many times have I turned the radio on and heard a song, for example, that Nickleback song, “There’s Gotta be Somebody for Me” another song by Colbie Caillait called “I never Told You”

"I miss those blue eyes/ How you kiss me at night/
I miss everything about you/ can’t believe I still want you/ after all the things we’ve been through/I miss everything about you..."

There always seems to be a song on that makes me think of what once was or what could be! The other day, I bumped into this book called Broken Open by Elizabeth Lesser and within the first few pages, I was hooked. Loved this quote: “And the time came when the risk to remain tight as a bud was more painful than the risk to blossom.” (p.xvi). This week I have been bumping into so many quotes, and each one seems to have been written especially for me!

Funny how even though things have been so hard between us, I can’t stop thinking about how it was so long ago, when we did love each other and things were happy and peaceful. We have been together since high school, yes high school sweethearts. But to see us now.... The sweet has definitely gone sour. Time for a change. But finding the courage to take the first step is so scary. Anyone know how to feel the fear but do it anyway?

Opposition

2010-12-12T19:51:00.002-05:00

Hi everyone!

It's good to be back - I hope you have enjoyed the guest posts so far. I have another one to post sometime this week, and it's a very open and honest post that takes a lot of courage to share. I can't wait for you to read it and hear your feedback.

In anticipation of this upcoming post, I wanted to discuss what you do if someone in your life is not supportive of the choices you make. Is there someone in your life who expresses their disapproval of your dreams or goals? Even if not spoken, can you tell when a loved one disagrees with your future vision?

I luckily don't have too much experience with this. Growing up there were lots of expectations for me to graduate university (the first one in my family!) and to have a good career. When I was younger there were a lot of decisions I made that weren't accepted, but it's easy to see why when I look at what those choices were - dating the jerks, drinking, drugs, self destructing behaviour, oh the list could go on....
The past 10 years or so that Jeff and I have been together, I know I have had a lot of dreams and made a lot of decisions that he hasn't agreed with. He's not so verbal about it, but in knowing him so well, I can predict when he isn't going to be happy with a decision I have made.

In our relationship, we are very much opposites in many ways, from the foods we eat to our drive in life. Jeff is such a realist. He's logical to the extreme. I however, am more of a dreamer. I believe in following my gut and going wherever that needs me, I'm not logical at all. Needless to say, there have been many choices and dreams for my life that he hasn't agreed with. I think at times he would like to pin down my wandering spirit for a little while. But for us, it works. He keeps me grounded and I hope I bring out his ability to live outside his box every now and again. We balance each other out. He is one person and I am a completely different person, and in putting us together, we come out to be an entirely unique and powerful entity. Does that make sense? I think in being with someone so different from ourselves, we are motivated to grow and challenged to new limits. When it comes down to our values, morals and parenting styles though, we are on the same plane. The important things in our life mesh with one another, and that's probably what binds us so strongly.

Yes, he has disagreed with many of the decisions I have made. In doing so, he might subtly mentioned what he would do instead, but mostly he says nothing at all. At that point, he steps aside, allows me to do what I need to do, and quietly supports me in the process. He trusts that I will choose what is best for myself and if he thinks I am making a mistake, he allows me to do so and will hold my hand when I need him beside me.

I am the type to follow my feelings and intuition....or at least I am learning to. I have found myself to be completely surrounded by supportive, loving people whom I am insanely grateful for. Because of that, I haven't really had anyone voice their disapproval for my decisions in life. Someone recently commented about not having support during a time in her life which I think is monumental for her, and one that she should be so proud of. It took me a bit to figure why on earth she would be lacking in support, and I didn't really know what to say at the time for fearing of overstepping my boundaries.

When you follow your intuition, you will never follow the wrong path. Sometimes it will defy logic and any reasoning you can provide the people in your life. When your mind is quiet and the world is still, that whisper becomes loud and clear, and it tries to guide us through our life toward our destiny. The problem is, we're not usually quiet or receptive enough to hear it and follow it. But once you do, the world opens up and peace will fill you.

If you meet obstacles in the form of people on your way, what do you do? I think the first thing to consider if whether or not their resistance is valid. Is there some truth to what they are saying? Or is their response out of fear, insecurity, or jealousy? Can they sit down with you to hear your side or are they completely shut off to any options but their own?

Sometimes it's hard for people to feel like their partner/friend/family member is growing while they remain in the same place. A change can bring about insecurity which stems directly from fear. Is this non supportive person afraid of something? I think it's important to briefly analyze the situation and try to understand where the person is coming from, which at times, may be an impossible task.

In the end, this is your life. Nobody else can live it for you. At the end of your life, when looking back on everything you have accomplished, it would be such a shame to have regrets, especially one of not following your spirit for fear of ruffling any feathers in the process. Friendships end, family members disappoint, marriages may dissolve.....and in the end, YOU are the one you have to answer to. If you are making a decision in your life that you KNOW is right for you, decide what steps you need to make and take them. It doesn't need to be an immediate thing, it can be a process to change something.

When I was pregnant with Lily, I remember reading something that suggested to never make life changing decisions while pregnant or within a year of giving birth. The reasoning was because hormones could do the talking instead of our rational selves and we may make decisions we later regret. I always found this amusing, but I wouldn't necessarily disagree with the advice. In similar terms, I wouldn't suggest making rash decisions out of fear or anger - it's usually this path that opposes what is best for you.

I'm clearly not an expert on this subject, this was more or less a precursor for my next guest post, which will be Thursday or later. I likely won't post for a few days coming up so I will post it when I myself am unable to write.

I would love to hear your stories or advice on how someone can deal with this situation, it's a question I get frequently!

*****

Jeff and I went to drop off all the toys we have collected for McMaster Children's Hospital, it was a great feeling! I would have loved to hand gifts to the children directly but because of the decline in immune functioning in many of the patients, we aren't able to physically be with them. But we met with a couple "Child Life Specialists" (would love that job!) who were very grateful for our gifts and surprised to see how many toys we had! We were assured that they get to know each child quite well and put together a package of gifts for each one based on their interests. I know with the donations we received, there will be some pretty amazing presents, and that makes me smile! So thank you again, we ended up with well over 100 items, and I am so grateful for your support and to be surrounded by so much love!

I'll be creating a Facebook page for all my endeavors next year with the "12 months of giving" - so be sure to join. I tried coming up with things I can do which don't require money. I feel a bit guilty asking you all for more help, but I know how good your hearts are!

Hope you were able to enjoy your weekend!

Guest Post - Never Give Up

2010-12-11T12:22:00.002-05:00

Hi guys, just wanted to jump in and say hi. Here is another post from a different person. She did a great job, and I'd love to hear words of encouragement. Have a great weekend!

*****

Thanks again to Rachel for inspiring us all to do our best and be our best...
I used to picture my life much differently than the way it actually ended up. When you’re young, you just never think you will ever be in grade 8...or grade 10...let alone graduate from grade 12! But all of those years came and went. College also flew by with the speed of a gentle breeze. Then I began working as an Educational Assistant at a local elementary school. I was young and being well-paid for my job that also included summers off. A nice perk! Later, came marriage. At this time, I was beginning to regret never following my dream of becoming a teacher. So I decided to tackle university studies at a part-time level. It was challenging working full-time and pursuing my studies at Brock. One course at a time.

Well life changed dramatically when I found out I was pregnant. I took a few years off after having my daughter and decided that I was content as an EA so forget about going back to Brock. I would probably never, ever finish anyways, right? The same thinking I had as a child. It would never happen. A very pessimistic attitude!
Once again, I began feeling like my career was a little stale and I once again began to dream about becoming a teacher. But first, I had to finish my Bachelor of Arts. Sigh. It will take me like a million years and I’m a mom now, and moms don’t go to university, right? Wrong! They do! When they have a dream so big that they just can’t seem to ever let it go! So I returned to part-time studies, earning half a credit at a time. Time passed and I had a son. I once again took a couple years off from my studies. This is NEVER going to end! I could not imagine ever finishing at this rate! So I then decided to speed things along and take online course as well through Laurentian University (GREAT courses, I might add!)Finally, things were speeding along a little faster because I was able to take night courses at Brock and mix in some online courses though the spring and summer. Finally, I was getting closer to my goal.

However, at this point I was also getting closer to something else- family breakdown! A few people began commenting that I was selfish for wanting to pursue an education with 2 young children. I already had a decent job, why should I want more? I was at the point of complete frustration and ready to give up- AGAIN.
But then something else happened. I applied for a job promotion and was rejected 3 times for this posting (in 1 year 3 postings came up, and each time they went to more qualified people- GRRR). I was so angry and let down that it gave me a huge kick in the butt to fast forward my tail in gear and just FINISH this damn BA already! You will never guess just how long it took me. People almost faint when I sheepishly admit it....11 years, yes eleven years! Over 3 times the amount it takes regular people to get a BA! I just graduated this past October WITH DISTINCTION! ME! A working mom with 2 children! I DID IT! Despite those negative comments, put downs, and job rejections. Despite the sleepless nights, endless studying and essay-writing. Despite everything- I somehow managed to carry on through many challenging moments of fear, frustration, despair, and extreme levels of stress. It was not easy. But I never gave up.

Although once upon a time, I would just give up on anything, I have come to realize that this is not the message I want to send to my children. I want them to know that there are no deadlines when it comes to your education. I want them to complete their studies and be the best people they can be and offer this world their talents and share their strengths. I want them to understand that giving up is never an option because even though things will take longer (it’s just a scenic route, right?!), and even though some people will try to stop you and put you down, and there will be many obstacles and challenges, in the end, it will be worth it. It will be worth it to follow your dreams and never give up because you deserve to feel that satisfaction and pride. Your hard work will pay off. Despite the obstacles and detours, it will be worth it. Listen to your heart, your soul and your dreams. They are messages being sent to you for a reason. Never give up and prove to the world that you can do anything you set your heart and mind to!

I am still currently following my dream of being a teacher. I took a leave of absence from my job and am in the Bachelor of Education program at Brock. More sacrifices, new challenges and obstacles, along with many more comments about a mother who chooses to leave her job and go to school full-time (yeah, what kind of mother am I, wanting to secure a better future for my children?)
I have come to realize that I do not need to listen to those people right now. I need to listen to people like Rachel who continue to encourage me, see the good in me, and believe in me. Inspiration and motivation are what drive people, yet why do some people always try to burst your bubble and ruin it for you? Stay focussed and motivated. Read motivational books or even a Chicken Soup for the Soul story. Just stay strong and be true to yourself. But most of all- NEVER give up!

T

Creating your life

2010-12-10T20:31:00.004-05:00

Hi everyone!

I missed you yesterday but I hope you enjoyed the first guest post. I'm sure it's nice to hear from someone else other than me once in awhile. I have another guest poster tomorrow, since I won't have time to write, it's going to be a busy day!

My Mother in Law loaned "The Secret" to me, which I enjoyed as much as I thought I would. While a lot of the content seemed common sense to me, it was nice to reaffirm my beliefs and remember how much power I actually have in my own life. There were also a few concepts that rang true for me, that I will eventually discuss on here.

On page 73, there is a quote from the Buddha that I love, "all that we are is a result of what we have thought."

Does this ring true with you? Do you agree or disagree? Personally, I agree with this fully. The circumstances I have dealt with in the past are not reflected in the life that I have now. As you know, my life has always been pretty chaotic, from my childhood, to losing my Mom, to my miscarriage...there has been a lot of heart ache and strife. When I look at my life, it surely isn't reflective of that past. My life now is peaceful, joyful, full of love and support. Why is that so considering the things I have been through? I believe as the book says, that it has to do with my thinking. In my own mind I have created peace and joy. I have envisioned it, desired it and forced myself to feel it, even when it was lacking. One thing I really focused on after my Mom died was being grateful. I made the decision to find gratitude in everything I could. I learned though that it was one thing to say I was grateful, but it was an entirely different experience to really feel it. Your thoughts lose power when you don't believe in them, but they become a very powerful driving force when you not only think them, but believe in them fully.

When I started to really feel gratitude in my life, that's when things really started to change for me. Positive people and opportunities started to show up and people around me started treating me with more respect. My thoughts of gratitude attracted similar things into my life and I was able to find even more to appreciate.

"When you want to change your circumstances, you must first change your thinking." (page 72). I believe in that statement 100% and the reason I do is because I have seen it in my own life. If you want to be happy, you need to start shifting your thoughts to adapt to that desire. Tell yourself you're happy. Make the conscious decision to BE happy. If you don't feel happy, tell yourself that you are happy, and you'll be amazed at how short of a time frame it takes for you to start believing it and living your vision. It all starts with a simple thought.

Are you not convinced at how powerful a single thought can be? Think about something that happened recently that really made you angry. It doesn't seem to matter if days or weeks have passed, I'm sure we're all guilty of this. Focus on that incident. Recall what happened, how you felt, how angry you were and maybe how stupid the person you were dealing with was. Spend a minute focusing on this and you'll find yourself once again, angry. Your fists may be clenched, your breathing shallow, your eyebrows furled and it may take you awhile to let go of that anger again. A single thought possesses a lot of power, doesn't it? This is a great example of why you need to let go of anger. The more you focus on it and think about it, the more control is has over you. You fuel it with your thoughts, just as you can fuel happiness.

A positive thought has more power than a negative one. Once you start indulging in these positive thoughts, you will attract positive things into your life. If you believe you are happy, and revolve your thoughts around that mindset, you will be. Plain and simple. You will get better at brushing off negativity, and the actions of others will affect you less. The world and energy around you will shift as a result of your changed thinking.

Whatever it is you want in life, you must first change your thinking to reflect that. What do your thoughts reflect?

What is your life like right now? Are you happy? Are you surrounded in chaos? Does the vision of your current life reflect your thoughts? Do you need to change these thoughts to create a more peaceful, harmonious life for yourself?

Look at your life. Look at your thoughts. Change your thoughts if necessary.

I have a great life, but like anyone else, there are still things that I would like to change or enhance. I will now start to pay attention to, and shape my thoughts around the life I want to create for myself, and have faith that that life is just around the corner.

Have a fantastic weekend everyone!!! Much love

Guest Post #1 - Social Media

2010-12-09T19:04:00.000-05:00

Okay everyone, here is my first guest post! I won't reveal his or her identity but I very much appreciate the time put into this post and the willingness to share. It would be nice to have a few comments for him/her to show your support and encouragement and hopefully others will be inspired to write me a story/article for my next guest blog. Enjoy!

*****

I have been reading your blog for some time now and I find them interesting and informative and until now have resisted commenting and have just been absorbing and sometimes digesting the content.

The use of blogs and social media has revolutionized communication in less than a decade. The speed of this revolution is extraordinary. It took radio 38 years to reach 50 million users, TV 13 years the Internet 4 years and the IPod 3 years. Back when ? communication systems, consisted of telegraph, then telephone and finally tele-woman, guess which was the quickest?

Facebook added over 200 million users in less than a year, and now has over 500 million users, many of whom play Farmville.

Social Media enables people to share opinions, insights and experiences using tools to connect, interact, and to maintain and develop relationships. It isn’t about telling people what to do or what to think, but it’s about sharing knowledge and experiences. We are social, we like to share – people share with their friends and family, they make new friends based on shared interests and values, it’s about relationships.

Some statistics are staggering – Canadians visited Facebook 840 million times in July, 220 million went to YouTube, there are 50 million Tweets a day.
The Seaway Mall flash-mob, over 14 million hits and growing world-wide !!
Not all users participate or contribute – 90% watch, share and sometimes comment, 9% are producers and only 1% are advocates.

Blogging is terribly efficient, instead of calling or visiting 10 friends and spending hours of time communicating you can spend 5 minutes and reach them all with the same message.

But, there’s a down side – there’s nothing like hearing the human voice or looking directly into someone’s eyes – there’s less chance of misunderstanding, there still is the warmth of a personal relationship that comes with physically touching someone – you can’t read body language.

In our insatiable search for more knowledge, social media and the internet are the greatest resource the world has yet developed - but it will never replace intimate human relationships.

As I mentioned at the start, I now know more about you than I did, I can appreciate where you’ve been, and where you now are, it has helped me appreciate what you have accomplished and that you have definable goals, I can thank blogging for that.
With that said – keeping things in perspective - nothing can replace a simple hug.