Closer to Me.

Your 2012 theme

2012-01-01T22:05:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year!

It's hard to believe 2011 is over already, it was a whirlwind!

I had lots of highlights in 2011, giving birth to Dexter in October tops the charts. Finding out in January that I was pregnant was also a high point, after having a miscarriage the previous October. I loved watching Lily grow into an independent, fierce little girl with a sweet nature and hilarious mind. In fact today, her little conversation went like this:

Lily - "Mommy I see your bum crack" (as she pokes her finger down my pants)
Lily - "Daddy, touch Mommy's bum crack!"
Daddy - "why?"
Lily - "she likes it!" Seriously, the fun around here never ends.

Also this year I raised $2,500 for cancer in June at the Fundraiser I do in honour of my Mom (with the much appreciated help of 30 amazing women!)

I'm such a resolution freak. I make new year resolutions, weekly resolutions, monthly resolutions, daily resolutions (not every day though). I don't like feeling stagnant. I don't like feeling unproductive. Goals and dreams keep me going, they give me something to strive for and keep me feeling useful. I thought that for the upcoming year I would like to not just make resolutions, but to adapt a theme for the year. I read in an Oxygen magazine a couple months ago the mantra "if you want it, prove it." and it was so powerful for me in terms of fitness. I have that saying on my vision board and anytime I don't feel like working out, I say it, and it powers me enough to get started. Why not adapt this to other areas of my life as well?

I have a softer personality. I tend to be quiet and hold in my thoughts. I tend to question myself and feel "not good enough." I wait for things. I am a planner and should probably act as much as I plan. I recently turned 31 and I am tired of waiting for things to happen. If I want something, I have to get out there and prove it to myself. In the past, my actions have reflected my hesitation. The final product reflects my belief - that I don't deserve it. I end up not getting what I say I really want, because a large part of me feels not worthy of whatever it is. I'm tired of this cycle. This year is one about getting what I want.

What else do I want?

- to be healthier and stronger than I ever have been
- to focus on my career more when my maternity leave is up
- to do more for other people in terms of fund raising and volunteering
- to stop wasting time - I can sleep a bit less, watch a bit less t.v. and manage my time more effectively which will give me more time to.....
- live with passion, doing things I am passionate about as much as I can such as....
- yoga! I want to expand my yoga practice - to do more and learn more
- do at least one thing to push me outside my comfort zone each month. An example of this is the Warrior Dash that Jeff and I will be doing in July (seriously, how fun does this look??)

And of course I also want to focus on being a good Mom to my kids and experiencing new things with them, enjoying every second I am able to be in their presence.

I feel that 2012 is a year of new beginnings, new passions, deepening friendships, new adventures, and a stronger sense of self.

If you could pick a theme for this year, what would it be?

Different is GOOD!

2011-12-03T15:19:00.001-05:00

Hi guys!

We had an eye appointment this afternoon for Lily, who is two and a half. It was a follow up appointment as the optometrist suspected Lily was farsighted and wanted us to come in today for the dreaded drops so she could have a better look at her eyes. To make a long story short, Lily needs to wear glasses full time. She picked out a cute pink pair (really the only pair that would fit her tiny face) and she was smiling ear to ear, she thought they were pretty cool. I'm glad she likes them, though my immediate reaction upon hearing the news was sadness.

Everyone wants their child to be perfect, which is silly because the term "perfect" shouldn't even exist since it's something based on social expectations and characteristics which are objective and ever changing. Regardless, I don't want anything to ever be "wrong" with our children and to know that her sight isn't so good, well, it upsets me. And as my husband Jeff pointed out, we don't want any extra challenges for our child, and definitely not something that will make her stand out and possibly be a target for teasing from other children. That got me thinking.

One of my biggest fears with Lily growing up is being bullied. I've read the stories about young kids committing suicide after being bullied for a period of time. I encountered some bullies in my younger years too and it doesn't take long before the taunting takes a toll on your sense of self worth, and every day functioning. I don't ever want my child to question her value in this world based on nonsense that comes out of someone elses mouth. The thought alone just hurts my heart.

Lily will be different as I have seen very few children her age wearing glasses. I don't want her to be different. I don't want other kids to look at her funny, or ask her why she has glasses on. I don't want her question why she's different or start to be self conscious of her difference. I asked the doctor if correcting a child's vision at such an early age means that her vision will get better as she ages....turns out that's not the case, the chances are she will wear some sort of corrective device the rest of her life.

I've had a couple hours to process the information and have reached a couple conclusions.

1. There are so many terrible things we could be dealing with right now when it comes to Lily's health. Having eyes that don't function perfectly really isn't a huge deal. She has her health and for that, I am truly grateful. It really is about perspective and I am glad I am not having to face worse news.

2. This difference is actually a wonderful opportunity for us to teach Lily valuable life lessons. Being different isn't a bad thing, in fact, it's a great thing. I don't know why I forget that at times and certainly don't want Lily to WANT to be the same as everyone else. We can teach her how to appreciate not just her own differences, but the differences in other people as well. We can teach her about tolerance and treating others equally regardless of what stands them apart from others. We can teach her how to deal with negativity (assuming this happens at some point) or how to handle teasing (again, assuming this happens). I think if done correctly and in a positive manner, she can learn a lot from this. And as it turns out, so can I. Clearly I have a lot more to learn from this experience than she does.

I know for me, I have grown the most and developed the most strength during difficult times. The opportunity for learning and growth occurs when a challenge is faced and I think we have been given a gift to now talk to Lily and take advantage of this to teach her and guide her. I guess that's parenting in a nutshell isn't it?

If you have any suggestions for books on differences, I would love to hear them. I know of Chrysanthemum (such a cute one!), but if you have any others in mind, please let me know!

Success

2011-12-02T22:11:00.001-05:00

Hi everyone,

Things over here are busy. Dexter has been sleeping less during the day already, and when he does, he sleeps for short periods of time. He no longer likes being downstairs while I work out, and tonight my shower was about 3 minutes long. I was a bit miserable last night as I only got in a very short interval workout, my tea got cold before I could drink it, I had to get out of my nice hot bath early to tend to my screaming toddler... and so on. I chose to be a Mom, I know that at times (often!) I come last, and while I wouldn't have it any other way, sometimes I would love to be on my own schedule or to be able to do things without interruption.

I hate working out at night, absolutely hate it. Lily finally gets settled around 9:00 these days (bed time is such a nightmare right now), and I typically go to bed at 10:00. I don't want to spend that hour working out, I want to spend it sipping my herbal tea and watching mindless television while scouring the internet for random stuff. I've been trying hard to figure out a way I can work out the amount I want to during a time that works for everyone. I was feeling defeated and assuming I'd just have to cut out some days from my workouts. Then my mantra passed through my head "if you want it, prove it." I want it.

I ordered a dip bar, which came in today, very excited about that. I tried it out and decided I'm going to love it. It's a staple in a lot of the Body Rock workouts, which are 10-20 minutes in length typically, so that's an option I'm going to take advantage of when I know my time is limited. I get out Monday nights for hot yoga and my mother in law has been watching Dexter Friday afternoons so I can get to boot camp. I'm going to write out a schedule each week for specific times I can either get to the gym or work out downstairs. Jeff started the P90X program a few months ago, which I do a lot of as well. The bonus is that our basement now has a lot of useful equipment in it - pull up bars, push up bars, stability ball, resistance bands, and lots of weights.

Part of being successful is in setting up your environment to align with your wants. I want to be active and to shape my body so I am trying to set my life up right now to coincide with that desire. If I am surrounded by opportunities to work out and spend time with people who want the same thing, I am more likely to succeed. How can you set your life up in a way that promotes success?

I set up a Facebook page to discuss clean eating and fitness. I don't think this blog is the best place for that, this blog is for something else, though I'm not sure what! It's for life lessons I guess. My advice, tidbits of inspiration, and random musings on things important to me.

So if you'd like to come visit me there, it's under "Rachel's Fitness and Clean Eating Journey." I weigh in tomorrow and take my second set of progress photos. Perhaps I'll be brave enough to post week 1 and week 4. I must admit, week 1 was pretty frightening!

I'm off to bed now, I have a little man who is bugging me to go! Good night and good luck in all that you do!

Making a change

2011-11-28T09:16:00.001-05:00

Hi guys!

I read an article this morning about an eight year old child who has a disease called NF which more or less means his body inevitably grows tumors on a regular basis. The article was written by his Mom, and the central theme seemed to be the changes that were made in their lives as a result of his diagnosis. She briefly talks about the new raw diet they have adapted, and other changes in their nutrition.

This morning I was looking through some things and came across a notebook my Mom kept to write quotes in. At the end of the quotes, she has four pages containing supplement information. The first page looks like this:

Tues. June 1
1200 Vit. C
99 Potassium
1 tablet Gymnema
10,000 Vit. A
1,000 Vit. D
1,000 Betaine
2 tablespoons Calcium
Banana
----------------------------
cottage cheese
1,200 Vit. C
99 Potassium
1 tablet Gymnema
10,000 Vit. A
1,000 Vit. D
1,000 Betaine
2 tablespoons Calcium
1,000 B12

This was written 24 days before she passed away. She only had 2 days worth of entries, but as you can see, they are extensive. June 1st continues on the next page. This makes me wonder two things:

Why did her entries stop? I don't think she received official diagnosis that she had cancer until about June 11th. Maybe she received the diagnosis and then gave up hope?

It also makes me think that she consulted someone to improve her health and this is the regiment she was given. That means she wanted to fight. She wanted to be healthier and to feel better. She wanted to live.

For the little boy in the article, his family waited for a devastating diagnosis before changing their lifestyle for the better. For my Mom, it was a little too late to make the changes necessary to not only be healthy, but to live.

So I ask you this: why wait before taking care of YOU? We like to walk around thinking we're untouchable from disease and death. We look at the statistics and think our chances of dodging a terminal illness are pretty good.

Our bodies are the vehicles which carry us through this life. We fuel our bodies with crap and expect them to somehow function efficiently. We get sick or gain weight and look for the quick fix because we're too lazy to put in the effort needed to change long term. I am tired of hearing people complain about their various ailments - fatigue, aches, excess weight - while feeding themselves sugar, processed crap, nothing that their bodies can use for any purpose.

I'm tired of hearing "I wish..." or "I'm jealous of.." or "I want..." - if you want something badly enough, you can achieve it. If you admire something about someone else, you too, can obtain the same quality, you just have to work for it. If you have a dream, surround yourself with that vision and align the rest of your life accordingly to ensure you get there.

It all starts with a single step. What are you no longer willing to tolerate in your life when it comes to health? What is one small step you can take NOW to better your health? Maybe it's incorporating a "no meat Monday" or drinking more water, cutting back on processed foods, drinking one less pop a week, remembering to take your multivitamin. Where can you improve?

I'll admit, I've gone full tilt. It's been three weeks of making drastic changes and I can honestly say I feel amazing, and this is my validation that what I'm doing is working for ME. My body has given me positive feedback and I will continue along with these changes, and looking for others I can incorporate into my life. Here are some of the things I have changed:

- I drink more water, and actually start my day with a big glass of water with fresh squeezed lemon juice
- I eat nothing white - no white pasta, white sugar, white bread
- I eat nothing processed - no more granola bars, no cookies, no crackers - UNLESS the nutritional label is good, which usually is not the case
- I don't drink pop
- I eat every 2 1/2 to 3 hours to keep up my metabolism
- I add fiber to my breakfast every morning
- I combine complex carbs with protein every time I eat (snacks too)
- I eat GREEN veggies every single day, usually twice a day
- I limit the amount of carbs I get from grains
- I eat healthy fat every day, usually 1-2 servings

I still have a lot to learn when it comes to nutrition and what my body requires on a daily basis, but I'm happy with the changes I have made so far. I'm not saying I'm going to follow these changes 100% of the time, though I have so far. Maybe I'll have a pop again, but for now I am trying to listen to my body and appreciate it for the strength and health it gives me back when I feed it wholesome, nutritious foods.

What are you willing to change right now? I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Recreating Memories

2011-11-26T21:31:00.001-05:00

I can't believe it's almost December! Where do the days go? Well, I know where my days go - chasing around a rambunctious two year old and snuggling a super cute five week old. Is there a better way to spend my time? As Christmas is drawing near, I feel like my emotions are being pulled in two very different directions. On one hand I am ridiculously excited to watch it all through Lily's eyes. I can't wait to see her open her gifts and watch her relish in the magic of Santa. She's old enough now to understand most things, and there are so many ways I want to celebrate this holiday, I want it to last all year long! On the other spectrum, the holidays always bring about some degree of sadness for me for the obvious hole my Mom has left behind, which always seems more prominent this time of year. So last weekend I decided it was time to put our Christmas tree up. I put one up last year for the first time since my Mom died, and of course now it will be put up every year for our kids to enjoy. I put the Christmas music on t.v., and dragged the 10 foot tall monstrosity up from the basement (with Jeff's help!) I also brought up our huge bin full of ornaments - nothing matching or themed, but a bunch of random ones that have been collected over the years - aren't those the best ones? They have stories and trigger memories when we look at them. During Lily's nap I took each of them out of their box and lay them on the table so she could see them. I put the three pieces of the tree together and waited for her to get up to really let the fun begin. She eventually woke up and I was ecstatic to begin. The Christmas music was playing, I was dancing around singing, and guided Lily over to the table to see everything. What a wonderful experience this would be!Cue some Grinch tunes and a vision of the Griswald's living room - everything after this point just fell apart. Lily screamed and cried for me to turn the music off so she could watch t.v., the lights were tangled which took me forever to untangle, a set of lights wasn't working (after working when I started the process), Lily broke one of Jeff's ornaments, so I talked to her about being gentle, only to turn my back and have her smash a glass (of course) ornament on our table to pieces. She was angry for getting into trouble, and I was ready to rip my hair out. After cleaning up the water from the globe ornament and vacuuming up the mess, I got back to it, trying to redirect Lily into helping me hang ornaments. She said "no" and instead tried pulling them all off the tree. She was angry and kept telling me she didn't want the tree. Jeff was puttering around, then sat down to play with his iPad, and here I was, standing at the tree with tears in my eyes, full of anger, irritation, disappointment and sorrow. Grief. I missed my Mom.When she was here, decorating the tree was our thing, which is why it took me 5 years after her death to put a tree up again, it hurt me too much to do it alone. We would put on the Christmas music, sing and dance around, and took our time hanging the ornaments up. One year we did an angel tree, full of handmade ornaments we had made together. Another year we did a teddy bear tree, with bears of various sizes and colors that we had bought. We loved our tradition, and while I would roll my eyes at her choice of Bing Crosby, secretly I loved it all, every single detail.My mistake I realized after last weekend was in trying to recreate something that never can be recreated. I can't go back to those feelings I had with her, because nobody else has her spirit. I can't share those moments with my Mom, and nobody else will do the things she did or say the things she said. I expected this year to be the same it was with her and it wasn't. It wasn't anyone elses fault but my own. My expectations got the better of me and in the end I was an emotional, bitter, angry, miserable bitch all day. And instead of being a memorable experience, it sucked for all of us, and the whole thing made me really yearn for my Mom again. All in all, epic failure. I realize now how important this lesson was. Sometimes we need time and distance from a painful moment to see the value of it. I learned that we can't recreate what has already passed. We can't go back and feel the same emotions. I have friends in my life whom I have been friends with for a long time. At one time we were really close, but after time and differing experiences, I know I can't go back and recreate the same friendship that was once there.There are so many connections I can make for this lesson, but I will let you discover your own. Instead of trying to dredge the past into the present, I think it's about time to grasp the present to see what will unfold to be my new past.

On the road to healthy

2011-11-15T20:59:00.000-05:00

I found out June 2004 that my Mom had cancer. She had been "sick" since January of that year, but for five months, doctors had been telling her she had pneumonia. Somehow, in a place deep inside myself, I knew the truth. I remember saying to Jeff that I thought it was lung cancer and if it was, I would kill myself.

I had two weeks to process the news. Two weeks to research survival rates of stage 4 lung cancer. I had two weeks to wonder how the hell I would get through another day. Two weeks later was my Mom's first chemotherapy session during which she passed away. Two weeks isn't a lot of time to get your head wrapped around the notion that your best friend in life was going to lose a battle that she never stood the chance against from the beginning. It wasn't enough time for me. No amount of time would have ever been enough.

After her death we requested an autopsy, though the reason behind that is vague in my mind now. I think we were searching for someone to blame, something specific to hate.

I never saw the results of the autopsy but they were relayed to me. Just about every organ, every cell of my Mom's body was smothered in cancer. How could she not have known? How could I have just spent that past Christmas with her and not had an inkling that she was so sick? It snuck up on her, on us, and took her from us before I realized she was dying, before I even understood that she was sick. When I was told she passed away, all I could say was "but she wasn't even sick. She wasn't sick. I don't understand, she wasn't sick." The image of my Mom was of a healthy, happy woman, not of someone who was sick. Her spirit didn't portray a dying woman, it portrayed strength and courage.

My Mom never worked out, she drank for many years, she smoked. Oh, on a side note, if anyone you know is diagnosed or passes away from lung cancer, don't ever ask if they smoked, it's completely irrelevant and certainly doesn't make the disease okay. I hated that question.

My Mom spent many years neglecting her health. She didn't pay much attention to nutrition and abused the vehicle of her life as so many of us do to some degree. I'm sure she never assumed she would get sick. She probably didn't consider the consequences or her actions (or lack of actions), or if she did, didn't think they applied to her. Does this sound familiar? I don't blame my Mom for what happened, I'm not angry or resentful. I wish she would have taken better care of her not just so she would have more years, but so the years that she DID have were happy ones with vibrant health.

Instead, I am 30 years old and haven't seen my Mom in almost 7 years. My kids will never know her, how shitty is that?

Today Lily and I turned on some Christmas music in the car and a song came on that I instinctively said "my Mommy loved this song." I feel Lily should have a sense of my Mom even though she won't truly ever know her, so I provide her with little tidbits of who my Mom was. Lily asked where my Mom was, to which I truthfully replied "my Mommy died." How do you explain that concept to an innocent child? I then went on to say "my Mommy died, which means I can't see her or touch her but she is everywhere, and I talk to her all the time and I think she listens to me." Maybe the explanation sufficed for her, or maybe she heard my voice starting to crack, but she dropped it after adding in "your Mommy liked this song." How I appreciate her intuitive nature.

So what's my point? I have 2 kids now. Two little people whom I love with ever fiber of my soul. I look into their eyes and vow to myself to do all I can to ensure I am here for them as long as possible. I will teach them how to care for themselves through health, love, compassion and confidence. I need to be here for them so they never question if there is something they could have done differently to give me more time. I see their smiles and want to see them for many days, many years to come. I don't want to miss out on their graduations, weddings, children.....because I know how void going through those things without a Mommy can feel.

My motivation for eating clean, and working out every day rests in those two teeny tiny creatures who individually have the strength to lift me above self doubt, and who, together, have the strength to carry me through the rest of my years.

To health.

If you want it, prove it

2011-11-14T15:20:00.000-05:00

How many times have you desired something but just knew you couldn't achieve it? How many times have you heard someone say "I want that job" or "I wish I had that body" or "I would love to travel?" We are constantly putting our wants or wishes out into the universe, but how often do we actually work to realize those desires?

Why is it human nature to want something without the belief that we can achieve it?
Or maybe we just can't be bothered putting in the effort to see results?

You want to know what I desire right now?

I want my body to be strong. Not skinny, but strong. I want muscles that would put some men to shame. I want to do a pull up. I want to do more than 3 push ups. I want to work out in a sports bra. I want my body to carry me through illness & fatigue. I want my body to ward off serious disease. I want the rest of my years to be in good shape and good health so I have the energy to spend being playful with my children.

I was reading through last month's Oxygen magazine and came across an article about mantras and the power they have through tough workouts. I have always had mantras and believe in their ability to change thinking. So one I came across in the article resonated with me and I now use it when I'm not feeling strong in my workouts, and it's "If you want it, prove it." Love it.

I'll share my vision board with you when it's done, but for now, here are other sources of inspiration for me:

What do you want right now and where do you find inspiration to motivate you?

You get what you give

2011-11-13T22:16:00.000-05:00

Hi everyone!

A friend of mine very recently asked me how I have the time and energy to be working out already and I thought that was a great question.

I'm a strong believer that you get what you give and this idea probably is the most true in relation to diet. During my pregnancy I didn't monitor what I put into my body too much. I ate what appealed to me, and at times portion sizes were probably double what they needed to be. It's hard to turn down cravings or raging hormones that insist you have a veggie burger combo from Harveys. I gave in to those desires most of the time, though I really wasn't all that out of control. Luckily I generally follow a fairly healthy diet so my cravings for junk were minimal.

After I had Lily in 2009, I stumbled across the Eat Clean book by Tosca Reno. Following her simple (and common sense) concepts, I was able to lose the last 10 pounds of pregnancy weight I had held on to for months. In the last few months of this pregnancy, I re-read this book, and purchased 4 more of her similar books. I had spent months in pain from SPD and was desperate to feel like I had a body I could work with again. This pregnancy made me appreciate my body in a way I never had before and I vowed to take the best care of it once the baby was here. I realized I had taken advantage of it for too long and being in constant pain reminded me how lucky I was that this was temporary. I (normally) had a body that was strong and reliable and I realized I needed to appreciate that more.

So 8 days ago I went all out and cleaned up my diet - no more processed foods, no white sugar (no white anything for that matter), no junk. Instead I filled my body with wholesome, fresh, natural and raw foods and I feel absolutely incredible. My body has bounced back in no time, I have a ton of energy and emotionally I feel amazing. I put good, simple, healthy foods into my body and in return, my body is functioning at peak levels. Today I did a 30 minute HIIT on the treadmill and did 15 minutes on the cross trainer. Later this afternoon I also spent 30 minutes working on my glutes and did a few ab exercises. I felt strong, and despite working out so much, my energy levels are still high.

My body is thanking me for fueling it properly, and providing it all the nutrients it needs to function efficiently. When I would eat a chocolate bar or indulge in chips, I used to feel like crap. I'd hit a slump and crave more sugar. I was irritable and tired. Why is it that when we are aware of this, we still choose the same foods that make us feel lethargic? The first few days of clean eating were hard, especially since it was Halloween. I was so proud of not having a single crumb of the Halloween candy, though I really wanted something - anything. After only a few days, my cravings for sugar were minimal and now I crave other things - yogurt and berries, hummus, protein shakes, fruit.

So that's the start of my journey to healthy. Someone the other day was talking about how she wants to start eating better and asked me for advice. I started talking about it and saw how animated I became. I was excited and my passion was sparked. I love talking about nutrition and health and it's a big part of who I am - it's time I embrace it and I look forward to sharing with you!

Me, Me, Me!

2011-11-11T22:09:00.000-05:00

Yay it's Friday!! I really look forward to the two days we have Jeff at home with us, there's nothing like family time.

I mentioned earlier that I wanted to start talking more about losing the baby weight and incorporating clean eating into that mix. I'm 6 days in, but I think I'll wait a bit to really get into the details. I had Jeff take bikini pictures of me last Saturday (not pretty!) so I can have progress photos all the way through, which I will eventually share with you, but not until I have a second photo with results to show you - the first photos are a little ego squashing, so I'd rather wait until I'm no longer in the same state! More about all this later.

We all have so many roles in life - from your stance in family, as a friend, in your career, in your community etc. I feel the most prominent role I play is a Mommy (especially now!) It's the most important thing I do now and will ever do. It's not a position I take lightly , it's a role I take on with ever fiber of my being. I strive for perfection, and reflect daily on how I am doing.

Having said that, I think it is extremely important for Mom's especially to realize that this is not our only role in life, it's not our only purpose. A balance is necessary between other aspects of who you are and what your passions are. It's vital to not get lost in being only a Mommy.

My favourite memories of my Mom involve the times she branched out to indulge in new experiences in an attempt to discover what she enjoyed and what brought her satisfaction. Too many years of her trying to be what everyone wanted, striving to make everyone but herself happy, and losing sight of what made her who she is led to too many more years of being lost to alcohol. For about 9 years she self destructed and was consumed with the disease. Her transformation when she finally decided to pick up the pieces of her life was incredible to me, and will always serve to inspire me. She alone decided to quit drinking and she did. We went on many journeys together after this time - we went on a spiritual retreat, tried Tai Chi, went to a few "alternative" churches, went hiking, saw Rod Stewart in concert, took various courses, spent time dancing in the kitchen, and laughing at each other's misfortunes (like the time she ordered at Tim Hortons, and was so distracted by making sure she threw her garbage into the bin from the car that she forgot to pick up her food) and so many more amazing memories.

I am so lucky to have been a part of my Mom's journey to herself. Watching her do things for herself was so important to me. I desperately wanted her to be happy and to find passion again. As the years went by, she grew stronger, found her confidence again and realized she was WORTH it. She explored a multitude of new things in an effort to build her life - a happy and peaceful life. Seeing my Mom happy and at peace was all I ever wanted and now that she is gone, I am beyond grateful to be able to look back on her life and know that she finally had found joy. She taught me that I am important enough to do things for. I am worth the time and effort. It is okay to desire more. It is necessary to connect with the core of ME. I am worth it and I am good enough.

It isn't selfish to indulge in your passions when you are a parent. To me, I think that doing things that bring me joy makes me a better Mom because my emotional/spiritual/mental proverbial cup will be full, and that will be evident in my dealings with my family. I need that time to myself, to reconnect with ME as a single entity, not in relation to anyone else. I am teaching my children to explore their interests and center their time around the things that ignite that spark of joy within them. I am more patient, content, energized and happy when I have "me" time, and not just idle time (though that's important too) - but time spent searching for new passions and indulging in current passions.

I signed up for hot yoga today, and bought a package for spin classes as well. I am starting boot camp next week, and have already been working out for the past week. I very quickly noticed a huge difference in my energy levels and my patience. I set up a girls night out for a few weeks from now as I have been longing for that connection again - with women whom I can have meaningful conversation with. My children will always come first, but I will also ensure I always have time for me. We will all be better because of that.

Let it be known though that my kids don't get lost in the shuffle. I'm signing Lily up for gymnastics for the new year and Dexter and I will be doing Baby and Mommy yoga. It's important for them to have their own individual activities and opportunities to explore their own interests. I realize how young they are, but it's never too early to start venturing out into the world to see what kinds of things make them happy.

So, the search for balance begins here! Since having a second child, my "free" time has decreased significantly, I cannot spend it doing things that don't make me happy, or spending it with people who zap my energy. Let the fun begin!

I can do this!

2011-11-09T15:34:00.000-05:00

Dexter will be three weeks old tomorrow and I now feel like I can handle two kids....or at least that we will all survive as I figure it out. By far the hardest adjustment has been my level of guilt over watching Lily have to do things for herself, play alone, wait for what she wants, and overall get used to a decreased amount of attention. I worry that this change for her is one that she will associate with our level of love for her. When she comes out with comments like "nobody wants to play with me" or "Mommy, you don't love me anymore," my heart just shatters, and this is what I struggle with. I can deal with the crying, with the feeling of being pulled in 18 directions at once, with the increased responsibility....I can deal with it all just fine, but it's the guilt that has been so hard.

I had a breakdown just before writing my last post (as if it wasn't obvious), but since then I have managed to find some balance and have felt like I am capable of doing this and doing this in a way that allows both my children to KNOW that they are loved and special in their own way. Part of this shift has occurred because I have started working out which has been amazing. It feels awesome to once again work with my body and challenge it - it almost feels like it belongs to me again! There are a couple other things which have allowed me to be more at peace in the role of a mother of two, here they are:

See those faces? How could I not love my life and look forward to every day?

Yesterday my hair was a mess, I hadn't touched it since I woke up and Lily said to me "Mommy I love your hair." Let's be honest, she didn't love my hair at the moment but that made her compliment all that more meaningful. She looked at me at that moment and felt the need to say something to make me feel good.

Dexter gave me a bunch of smiles yesterday too. Real smiles as he watched me make crazy faces and talk like an idiot. He loved it. Any time he's in front of me he stares at me. He will follow my voice and he quiets when I hold him. He loves his Mommy. It feels like he has been here always, it's weird. He's such a happy, content and calm little guy - not at all what I was expecting.

My new life is a pleasure and I am blessed, SO blessed for everything I have. I will try to remember this when times are chaotic and my nerves are challenged!

Asking for help

2011-11-05T20:44:00.000-04:00

Whew, I'm so glad we are blessed with brand new days. I woke up this morning and looked around my disaster of a room and actually laughed. Last night I was in survival mode, and fell apart emotionally. Today I was able to find humour in it all. Maybe it was the uncontrollable and unnecessary sobbing I did last night. Maybe it was the image of myself a frantic mess. Maybe it was the post hurricane state of my house, or maybe it was the box of tampons strewn about my room that I let Lily play with to entertain her for 5 minutes. Whatever it was, I woke up laughing, and realized that I was okay and everything will be okay.

Thank you all so much for you comments and messages of support. I know I'm not alone and know that things aren't going to always be easy. I knew that before Dexter came but like with the arrival of Lily, I am still in a bit of shell shock from the instant changes that have occurred over the past couple weeks. One of my favourite quotes comes from Neale Donald Walsch: "Life begins at the end of your comfort zone." I find that when I am challenged the most is when I grow the most. Last night was a huge struggle for me but today I feel confident and capable as a mother of two. I feel like maybe I will be okay and my kids will be okay too.

The majority of my anxiety comes from the knowledge that tax season is just around the corner. Jeff's hours start to pick up in January, and in April I barely know who he is. He will leave for work before 8:00 and work until midnight or later. Seven days a week. Last year he would come home for an hour or so for dinner and to spend some time with Lily. It was difficult last year because I was just pregnant, extremely nauseous and deliriously exhausted, with a toddler needing my attention. This time around will be different, with a new set of challenges to face, I will now have two children to care for, and it will all rest on me for months.

Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for Jeff's career and the stability it provides our family. I am grateful for the luxuries his hard work provides us and I admire his work ethic. He is the hardest worker I know and very dedicated to his job. He works himself to the bone and doesn't complain. I knew from the beginning what I was in for because I saw his Dad in the same career, with the same drive, and knew he wouldn't be available as much as I might need for those months.

I have come to realize that I will need help. I'll squash my own pride and admit that I will need to ask for help whether it be to entertain Lily for me, to watch Dexter while I put Lily to bed, or to keep me company at night when I am alone. A fellow "tax widow" told me she is friends with a couple who adopt her during tax season. They have her for dinner and show up to her house to watch her kids so she can leave or just have time to herself. Maybe I'll put an ad in Kijiji for a "tax family" - what do you think?

So it's time for me to put away the guilt, to swallow my pride and hang up my super woman cape. Come January I will need help and I will have to ask for it. Why do women have such a hard time asking for what they need or want? Why do we feel we have to tackle everything that comes our way and not just that, but to be perfect at all that we do?

Or is it just me??

A Balancing Act

2011-11-04T21:28:00.000-04:00

Hi guys,

Tonight marks the first night I have attempted to care for 2 kids all by myself. It's 9:00 right now and I am considering grabbing a funnel from our kitchen drawer and the biggest bottle of Baileys I can find. Yep, I'm that desperate.

I struggle with a newborn and a very active 2 year old. Dexter wants to nurse ALL the time. I mean every hour on the hour. The good thing is that I've mastered a new skill - walking and nursing. I just shudder to think of the amount of neighbours that are bound to see my boobs by the time all is said and done. On top of that, he has been very cranky the past couple days and I hate that I can't figure out why. I know he's only a couple weeks out but he started out as such a laid back, happy little guy and I hate seeing him crying all the time.

I gave Lily a much needed bath tonight, thinking that would be an easy way of entertaining the two of them. Dexter was plopped down in his bouncy chair while I could spend some one on one time with Lily. Not a good plan when you leave the soothers downstairs and Lily already is in the water. So ensued a very rushed bath for Lily, which I hated. She loves the bath and just wanted to play. Instead she got a snappy Mommy who hurried her through a normally fun experience.

Bedtime was just as terrible - more terrible actually. Dexter screamed the whole time, so I cut our routine back and tried reading a couple books through crying and screaming. He wanted to nurse. Again. 20 minutes after the last session. Sigh.....I explained to Lily that I had to leave to care for Dexter, I couldn't dilly dally the way I normally do. She likes to read 3 books then sing a song then snuggle. We didn't have time to snuggle or read a third book. I left her room as she started to cry, about to climb out of bed to chase me. I left, my ears ringing with the sound of my 2 crying children and my heart aching. I got downstairs, turned the monitor on and listened to Lily begging for Mommy to come back. I looked down at Dexter, his face purple and scrunched as he had been crying for far too long, and I plunked myself on the couch for the zillionth time today since I'm the only one right now capable of meeting his immediate needs. I listened to Lily crying alone and pictured the sadness in her eyes because her Mommy just isn't there for her as much as she is used to and I cried. There we were, the 3 of us, crying in unison, all for very different reasons, but we were all desperate for something - Dexter for food, Lily for her Mommy and me for an ability to keep everyone happy and loved at all times.

20 minutes later I was able to go back into her room while Dexter napped in his swing. I asked the teary faced princess what was wrong and she said "I want to snuggle with you Mommy" - my poor heart. So we snuggled for a bit and it's all she needed. She misses me and I desperately miss giving her all of me. I ache for her, and I mourn for the relationship we had. She doesn't realize I need her as much, if not more, than she needs me.

I know eventually we will find a routine that works for us and things will get better. For now, I feel like I'm in survival mode, and my white flag is frantically waving already but nobody is around to see it to rescue me. I am very much out of balance and hating that at any given time, someone has to go without their greatest desire. I just wish that person could always be me, and never one of my kids.

Be still

2011-10-29T20:01:00.000-04:00

Hi everyone!

Little Dexter is 9 days old now though I swear we brought him home yesterday. He is the most content little thing. He rarely fusses and sleeps well at night. I can put him down and he doesn't cry like Lily would. I actually put him down while he's awake and hover, just waiting for the shrieking to begin, but it usually doesn't. He will squawk when he's hungry, or when his diaper is being changed, or if he wants to change positions, but otherwise he is quiet and content and a very laid back boy. I love him to pieces and love to just stare at his big dark eyes and ridiculously adorable facial expressions. I love my little man!

A couple days ago my friend was coming to visit me, so I let Lily know we were going to have company. Since she knows me so well, she asked me "we have to clean the house Mommy?" Normally I'm a bit erratic with tidying and ensuring our house is in somewhat acceptable condition regardless of who comes over. If someone stops by and our house is a mess I will fret about it for awhile. I laughed at Lily's question, maybe I'm a bit more OCD about it then I realized? For the first time ever, instead of jumping up to frantically clean, I just responded with "no Lily, I don't care today."

This has been the norm since Dexter has joined us. He loves to snuggle up on my chest and curls himself into a teeny tiny ball. I will look around the house and make mental notes of what needs to be done - the dishes need to be washed, the kitchen needs to be clean, the floor needs to be swept, Lily's toys need to be put away, our t.v. stand needs to be dusted, our carpet needs to be vacuumed, the mountain of laundry needs to be taken care of.....and the list just keeps growing. My anxiety expands and I wonder which tasks I can take care of with a baby in my arms. Or maybe I could stick him in his bouncy chair and race to get as much done as possible before he wakes up and decides he's hungry yet again (he gained almost a whole pound in 3 days!).

The other day I just said to myself "stop. Just stop." And so I stayed on the couch, getting nothing accomplished, witnessing the deterioration of my house and doing absolutely nothing about it. I had on a show that I wasn't interested in and sat amongst the mess. I closed my eyes and moved my face down to the creature on my chest and kissed his soft head.

These moments are all that matter. The world around me can fall apart as much as it wants to, I will not give up these moments where my newborn son snuggles me and needs me. He will soon be exploring the world on his own, excited to discover and learn - and when this time comes, my arms will be empty and I will wish with all that I am that I would have appreciated his complete dependency for me. So I spend my time getting not a whole lot done around here. In my inefficiency though, I am doing the most important thing I can be doing - enjoying my child. I talk to him, give him lots of kisses (which always makes his forehead wrinkle), I touch his soft skin, hold onto his long but tiny fingers, and wrap my arms around his miniature body, carving every detail into my spirit and my memory, accessible anytime I need a smile.

Being still allows you to enjoy and appreciate. Being still gives you the space to reflect. Sometimes in life you need to cut out the chatter, put down your to-do list and drop everything you want to accomplish so that you can just live in the moment and enjoy what surrounds you.

Right now I'm alone with Dexter. Lily is at the Sabres game with her Nana and Papa and Jeff is at work. Our great room is a mess and I know our kitchen counter is piled with dishes, but I don't care. The fireplace is on, the game is playing in the background and my little man is curled up on my chest, right over my heart. I listen to him breathing, grateful for his health. I feel his belly rise and fall, in sync with my own. His little body warms me, and I am overwhelmed with how quickly this little being has weaseled his way into every crevice of my soul, I am completely in love with him and would do absolutely anything for him. In the stillness of the night I realize how fierce a mother's love can be - he has joined his sister in becoming my world.

Birth Story

2011-10-26T09:50:00.000-04:00

He's here!!

12 days past my due date and little man finally decided to grace us with his presence. It has been almost a week now and I am completely smitten with this handsome, perfect prince.

Let me back up and share the entire birth story with you.

Wednesday October 19th (11 days past due) I had an ultrasound and a midwife appointment booked to check on the baby. The midwife appointment was first and she decided to do a procedure called "stretch and sweep" - I know, a terrible visual. She was confident it would be effective and she managed to bring me to 4 c.m. dilated. I left feeling giddy, excited to finally meet this little guy. I had lots of cramping and some mild contractions when I went to the ultrasound for 10:45. Getting to peek at the baby brought about even more anticipation, he looked great and luckily still healthy. The rest of the day I had more cramping and generally felt unwell. 7:00 is when I started timing contractions, but after 3 hours they never managed to get closer together than 7 minutes. I quit timing and went to bed. I woke again around 3 to even stronger contractions and wondered if I should get up to get things ready. Next thing I knew, I woke up for the day, and felt completely disappointed and frustrated. I just wanted to meet my little man, and certainly didn't want things to progress to the point I would require an induction.

On this day I still had contractions here and there, but I quit reading into anything. I spoke to the midwife who said the next day (Friday) I would get another stretch and sweep done and then an induction would be scheduled probably for Sunday. While I was still feeling disappointed, I was happy to know I would only have to wait another few days.

Around dinner the contractions were a bit stronger and happened more frequently but I knew they weren't enough to start timing. After dinner I joined Lily in her playroom. At one point I stood up and felt a leak. I immediately turned around and bolted to the bathroom. I wasn't sure if my water had just broke or what but when I stood up again later, it kept coming. Every time I moved or stood, water would just pour out of me, it was ridiculous! I told Jeff my water had broke and we started getting things together and tying up loose ends. Once my contractions started with Lily, my labour was just under 3 and a half hours so I knew our time was limited. I called the midwife to let her know, and she advised me we would have to meet her at the hospital in Niagara Falls - about 30 minutes away. We then called Jeff's parents since they would be watching Lily and they had just sat down for dinner in the Falls. By then it was 8:00 and we had to meet the midwife at 9. We double checked our bags, added some things, and I texted a couple people to let them know. I was excited, and scared and relieved and anxious. There was no turning back now, he would be here soon!

We told Lily what was going on and she was excited to be having a sleepover with Nana and Papa. I was a bit emotional later when I said goodbye to her. I knew her life would never again be the same and I was sad for her but hopeful that she would adjust well.

My contractions started at 8:30 but were only about 7-8 minutes apart. I know that sounds pretty good but my contractions with Lily started at 2 and a half minutes apart so to me, this didn't seem like much. The car ride was fast, and we made it there right at 9:00 in the pouring rain. I met the midwife inside and I was checked out as well as the baby. He was handling the contractions like a champ. I laid in bed for awhile then decided to walk and this is when the contractions picked up. They were getting stronger and I would stop to use Jeff as a leaning post when they happened. They seemed a lot stronger than the ones I had with Lily and I wondered if I would be able to do another non medicated birth.

Eventually I got back into the bed, I was exhausted. The baby's heart continued to be fine, but this is the time I started feeling overwhelmed by pain. I have no idea what time it was but the midwife checked me and I wasn't quite fully dilated yet. I just wanted to push, I remember that being the best part with Lily. At this point the contractions were absolutely brutal and I felt I was teetering on the edge of sanity. The pain wasn't something anyone could ever comprehend. If there was a hammer beside my bed I likely would have used it to knock myself out. I was desperate for relief as the contractions were on top of each other with no break. It was then I knew I was close - that feeling of losing control is usually associated with the end of labour.

The midwife then asked if Lily ever turned and I knew there was trouble. Apparently little man decided to flip around the other way and I was a bit scared. I got on my hands and knees and stayed that way for a period of time to help him flip over again. It was in this position I felt my body push for the first time and it was a giant push. The amazing thing about midwives is that they sit back with little instruction and let your body decide what it needs to do. It hadn't been long since I was checked so I was concerned that I wasn't yet fully dilated but pushing, but nobody else seemed concerned. After a few pushes, the midwives scrambled a bit and had me flip over to my back again. I was relieved it was really time to focus on pushing. I gave a huge push, and then another. Shortly after that I felt the head crowing (this is the "holy shit" moment when you realize what is about to happen and don't believe a baby will fit!). It felt like I sat there for 5 minutes in excrutiating pain, but I knew I needed to wait. If I pushed before my body was ready, I could cause damage to myself and I sure didn't want to end up with a fourth degree tear.

I pushed for a total of 8 minutes before Dexter Liam made his appearance at 11:48 p.m. - about 3 hours of labour. He was placed on my chest as soon as he came out and I could not believe how ridiculously adorable he was. Other than saying "he's so cute" all I could say was "I'm so glad that's over!" It was quick but more intense than it ever was with Lily.

He weighed 7 pounds 1 oz. and was 19 and 3/4 inches long. He scored 9/9 on his Apgars and was healthy and happy and so loved right from the second I saw him (and before then really!)The midwife checked me and I was shocked to hear her say "perineum is fully intact" - no stitches needed, no tears, not a single thing! There is much to be said with allowing your body to do what it feels is right.

I came out healthy, Dexter came out healthy and I surprisingly felt pretty darn good. We left the hospital at 3:00 and thus began our new life as a family of 4.

I'll update you with more at another time. This post is already too long! I can sum up the past week though with telling you that my heart and spirit are full. Overflowing with love and adoration for my 2 beautiful, perfect children. I am blessed and hounoured to be called their Mommy. Life is such an amazing miracle and I am grateful to be here (with a sleeping little prince on my chest as I type this!)

xxoo

Counting down...

2011-10-06T12:47:00.000-04:00

Well the countdown is on! Actually the countdown has been on for a couple weeks now. Lily was born almost 2 weeks early and I had myself fully convinced that this little guy would follow the same idea. Silly of me!

Officially he is due in 2 days - I can't believe it has come so fast, yet it seems like forever since we started anticipating his presence in our lives. I have so many mixed emotions about his arrival.

Obviously I am beyond ready to meet my little man. I imagine what he will look like, what he will be like and anticipate holding him in my arms and confirming that he is healthy. I am ready for the snuggles and cuddles and the complete dependency he will have on me. It won't be long before he is ready to learn and grow on his own and I will relish in the fact that he needs his Mommy.

While I realize my sleep will be minimal for the first little while, the good thing about having your second is that you are aware of how fleeting this newborn stage is and know that sleep will eventually come.

The downside of it being my second is that I know what I'm in for as far as childbirth goes. The labour itself I can handle. I had Lily without any drugs and honestly it was the most empowering experience I know I will ever have in life. Time meant nothing to me and there are periods I don't remember at all. I found a place within myself that was full of strength and courage. The entire labour I was calm and quiet and just breathed and walked my way through every contraction. The very first contractions started at 2 and a half minutes apart and lasted for almost 2 minutes each. Needless to say, they were extremely intense from the start, and it took a lot of trust and belief in my body to get through each one. I first learned this lesson when I started running - we are SO much stronger than our minds allow us to believe. Once you beat out the chatter of your mind and the doubt that creeps in, the capability of our bodies will astound us.

To be honest, I'm looking forward to the labour again. I get the opportunity to experience the wonder of my body working as it is supposed to. I face the challenge of overcoming my mind (I will not take drugs), and I am already anticipating the superhuman feelings that come after I hold my baby and knowing that I brought him into the world naturally and graciously.

It's the healing afterward I'm dreading. Ugggh!

I am also anxious for Lily. She is the center of our universe right now, and always will be, but our focus is about to shift a little bit. She will now have to share everything - toys, attention, time, and I hope she understands that having her brother here in no way takes away from the love we have for her. I know every second time parent goes through these emotions, and I know it will be okay. Giving Lily a sibling will (hopefully) be the best gift we can give her, it will just be an adjustment.

So until baby brother gets here, I am trying to spend lots of quality time with Lily and enjoying the time we do get together. We talk about the baby lots, and he already feels like such a big part of our lives. When we do anything new or fun Lily will say "baby brother come too?" and it melts me. She already loves him. And so do we.

I will update you all when he gets here, and then the nature of my blog will shift a bit. I want to post more about fitness and nutrition and specifically how I will lose my baby weight. I'll be taking pictures along the way (scary thought right now!) to document my progress. Clean eating has been a passion of mine for a couple years now and I would love to share more about this lifestyle with you.

I cannot wait to get my body back and I don't mean that at all in a shallow, superficial way. This pregnancy has been hard on me. I've had terrible nausea and vomiting. I've been so exhausted throughout that at times I feel like I'm living in another dimension. I had awful heartburn for a period of time. I've gained weight quickly and my body has changed even faster - it gets hard lugging around an extra 35 pounds that's all belly. Worst of all has been the SPD, which has been extremely painful since about 30 weeks. It hurts to stand. It hurts to sit. It hurts to move too quickly. The worst is rolling in bed, it's excruciating.

To me, there is no better motivation to start a new workout plan than having very little control over your body for almost a year. I am so ready to push my body again and challenge it. I am ready to run and move in ways I have been unable to. I am ready to take care of it and to thank it for all it has done for me through 2 pregnancies.

If anyone would like to join in on the challenge, I plan on starting as soon as my midwife clears me (last time it was about 4 weeks postpartum). I would love the motivation of sharing pictures, stories, recipes and ideas. Email me if you want to join along, I would be happy for the company! I will be posting pictures, mini updates and tips on my "Closer to Me" Facebook page, so like it if are interested in reading about my journey.

Until then, keep us in your thoughts, hopefully I will be able to introduce you to our newest family member soon!

xxoo

The importance of Beauty

2011-09-14T11:12:00.000-04:00

Almost 3 years ago, Jeff and I went in for the second ultrasound of my first pregnancy to find out the gender of our little peanut. I was absolutely convinced it was a girl and warned Jeff to wrap his head around that fact as his hopes were set on a boy. Sure enough, the ultrasound tech. informed us that it was indeed a little girl. One of the first things Jeff said on our way home that day was "what the heck do I do with a girl?" I understood his concern as he never really grew up with girls around so the idea was foreign to him. I thought about how to answer him and came up with 3 requirements in raising a girl:

1. Spend time with her, and when you do, make sure she knows you WANT to be there with her

2. Tell her you love her. Every day. Multiple times a day.

3. Tell her she's beautiful. Often.

I think those 3 things will result in a positive relationship between a man and his daughter (with some smaller requirements in between). I think they are all extremely important things to keep in mind while dealing with a daughter, but I want to focus on #3 - telling her she is beautiful.

When I was 14 I went swimming with a friend of mine. As we were walking back into the change room, a boy (I'm so old!) yelled at me "you're beautiful!" He couldn't have been talking to me, could he? He must have been referring to the friend I was with. I shook it off, but when we were done and headed to the park, this same person struck up conversation with me, and it became evident that he had indeed been talking about me.

Before that time I don't remember anyone putting my name and "beautiful" in the same sentence. 14 is a difficult enough age, but I had an excessive amount of insecurities and my self esteem had been low for years. I never thought much about my physical appearance other than being certain that it was less than mediocre. My body wasn't good enough, my face wasn't good enough, my hair wasn't good enough, I wasn't good enough. I had little sense of who I was and what made me happy.

So I can't pinpoint a time when I was told I was beautiful, either in reference to my looks or my character. Surely someone must have told me so when I had to dress up - for graduation, Christmas, some sort of holiday? Who knows.

So this summer day when I was 14 was really the first time someone told me I was beautiful, and coming from a male figure, it had a huge impact on me. Those 2 words brought possibility to my life - maybe I was attractive, maybe someone could appreciate me, maybe I was good enough?

The source of these words didn't matter as much as the words themselves. I was elated and shocked, and wanting to hear more. So I magnetized myself to this person for the next many months, anxiously awaiting those words to again, escape him. They did, many times, which is what kept me holding on to a relationship that was toxic to me. He was 19, addicted to heroin, in and out of jail, verbally and emotionally abusive, and a control freak. It was a good thing he was in jail for the majority of our relationship, I can't imagine the choices I may have made had he been physically present in my life. During that relationship I was stripped of my dignity (he cheated on me and I believed it to be my fault), the control over my choices (I quit the basketball team because he didn't like me doing things without him), and any sense of what was right and wrong. By the end of it, I was lost. But I was beautiful right?

The first man I want to tell Lily she's beautiful is her Daddy. I want her to KNOW that she absolutely is beautiful in his eyes. Maybe if she is able to believe that, those words will mean nothing to her coming from anyone else - because she will already know this and not need the validation from a boy. Every day she looks in the mirror, I comment on how beautiful or pretty she is - her eyes that sparkle, her soft hair, her contagious smile....I want her to always look in the mirror at her reflection with a smile on her face.

Feeling beautiful is about so much more though than physical - it's just as important to feel beautiful as a person. When Lily shares, I comment on how generous she is. I tell her how good of a friend she is when she does something nice for someone else. I tell her how funny she is, how smart she is ("Mommy I'm not smarty pants, I'm Lily Neill!"), how considerate she is. I use real life, real time examples of how wonderful of a person she is and how beautiful she is inside too.

About 6 months ago I randomly found a pink magnet on the floor of my car that read "yes, you look beautiful today." I smiled and hung it on my visor, beside my mirror. Every time I looked in the mirror, the message would remind me what I needed to tell my reflection. I am 30, and I still need to be reminded that I am beautiful.

Maybe when Lily is 30, she won't need a reminder because she will just know.

Capturing life

2011-08-28T14:00:00.000-04:00

Hi everyone,

I have lots to write about but most importantly, I want to share some amazing photos with you all.

Recently Jeff, Lily and I went to visit MAK Studios to get some maternity shots done. I didn't have any done when I was pregnant with Lily, which I later regretted. This time around I thought it would be extra special because Lily could be in them too! There wasn't a question in my mind who I trusted enough to capture this special time in our lives.

MAK Studios consist of a mother/daughter duo. I first met Kelly (the daughter) in prenatal yoga about 2 and a half years ago. I've talked about her before, but let's just sum it up to say that she is embedded into my spirit. She is a very patient, light-hearted, confident person who calms me every time I'm with her. Her Mom Marnie is just as awesome, and anytime I am with her, her presence reflects that of my Mom. She also has a very calming nature, yet intense in the focus she gives.

Together, these women make quite the pair. When it comes to photography, you barely notice there are two people in the room. They work together in a seamless fashion, and seem to communicate without speaking at times. I swear they have a language all their own.

I am such a planner, yet every time I have seen them, there isn't structure in that they have preconceived ideas of what they want. Instead, they feel out the atmosphere and mood of everyone involved and roll with an ever changing environment, which I think is absolute key in capturing the essence of each person, as well as moments that may otherwise be overlooked. They are open to ideas and suggestions, but are full of their own creative flow. Their ideas seem to come out of nowhere and end up being the most beautiful, fun images (you'll see what I mean in a minute).

I have brought Lily to them many times, and I can only imagine how frustrating it can be to photograph children. At this particular shoot, Lily wanted nothing to do with photos and wouldn't listen to a thing any of us were suggesting. Kelly and Marnie are incredibly patient and will approach the situation a variety of ways to ensure the photo shoot is a success. I was 100% sure that our family photos were a flop and I was pleasantly shocked to see there were actually a multitude of the most beautiful moments captured - and I still have no idea how they managed to accomplish that!

The presence of two people allow for efficiency and variety and I am certain these pair of women are the perfect team. Doing a maternity shoot is a personal and intimate experience. There were times I was without an article (or two!) of clothing, but I was completely comfortable due to their professionalism and grace. If at anytime I was uncomfortable, I knew I was free to decline an idea and they would move on to something else without hesitation or disappointment. They are the photographers, but I was always free to decide what I was okay with.

MAK Studios are meticulous in ensuring their client is happy. I know personally that they both put their hearts and souls into their work and their main goal is to capture not just an image, but a moment, a memory, a still version of living beauty.

I could go on (and on and on) but perhaps the best way I can communicate my absolute adoration and gratitude for these women is to share the most recent images they took of such a joyful time for us:

This is my favourite one, beautiful!

It was a beautiful day, why not a few photos outside?

Isn't this a cute idea?

Great example of an impromptu idea. Not too sure whose idea it was for me to wear Kelly's 2 year old's tutu, but what a fun, memorable picture!

They have a variety of cute props/clothing

I don't even remember Lily smiling the entire time, but this is a genuine one!

This one wasn't planned, Lily was being a goofball. Thanks to Kelly & Marnie, a super cute moment was captured and it's one of my favourites!

Lily wasn't even supposed to be in this picture, but the ladies know a moment when they see one. They somehow managed to get Lily's cuteness in there but not my "I need a drink" look of exasperation!

This concept was a bit of a disaster thanks to my grumpy girl, but this one ended up looking almost fun!

Visit their website for more examples of work they have done. Also, like them on Facebook to show your appreciation of their work! I can't wait for them to do newborn pictures of our little man (due to come in just 6 weeks!). I'll be sure to share those ones with you as well!

Full Circles

2011-07-07T22:09:00.000-04:00

I had a poignant thought this afternoon in what would have been a passing moment for many.

Lily and I had some errands to do for her birthday party (in 2 days!!), so we had been out shopping and were about to head home. We had just left the dollar store and Lily had somehow managed to weasel a small bag of chips into the mix.

We were just leaving the parking lot as I glanced backwards to Lily. She's such a tiny little thing, yet it always astonishes me how I sometimes can forget that she's a child. I speak to her as I would a mentor, I long to spend time with her as a best friend, and I confide in her as though we are one entity, not 2 separate beings - a mother and a daughter. There are times when I look at her and remember that she is a child, full of innocence, purity, complete love and devotion, and my heart aches to know that I have the privilege of guiding and loving her for the rest of my days.

So in my glance, I see this tiny little hand reaching into a bag, her brow was a bit ruffled in concentration. She was searching for something very specific in that bag - maybe a pretzel, maybe a ring....whatever it was, she was determined to find it. I took a snapshot in my soul of that second. My daughter was with me, safe, happy, and very much her own person. My hand shot up to my chest and my eyes watered as I quietly said "My God I love you Lily." As a Mommy, there are many instances that catch my breath, and stop the world around us as I am overtaken by a love that has to come from a time before this life - that's how powerful and pure it is.

Lily responded with "yeah." My statement didn't require a response, nor did I expect one. Her answer though said a lot. She knew, it was old news to her, no big deal. That's a good thing.

My mind flashed back to the summer of 2003. I was 22 years old, and my own Mom had been living in Alberta for a few months at that time. I was a mess when she left, yet I was still at an age when vulnerability meant weakness, so I always pretended that everything was okay, when in reality, half my soul moved 3 provinces away with her. I have this extremely vivid memory of the first day I visited her during that summer. My step dad was driving a little red truck, my Mom sat in the passenger seat, and I was squashed in the back. Exhaustion overtook me and I nodded off as I sprawled across the seats. My eyes flickered open for a few seconds. Long enough to see my Mom turn in her seat to look back at me. Long enough to see the smile that formed when her eyes met mine. Long enough to always remember what I saw in her eyes. The love that she held for me were absorbed fully into her glance, and I will forever hold on to that second. I saw her love, her adoration, her peace, her contentment, her relief, her honor, her pride, her soul.......all for me. I understood at that time what I had just witnessed but it took until this afternoon to really get it.

Since my Mom has been gone, much of what I experience has included full circles, such a symbolic shape not of a beginning and an end, but of continuation.

I looked at Lily today with the eyes my Mom used to look at me so many years ago. I hope that in them, Lily can understand what she is seeing, though I realize she never will until (and if) she has a child of her own. Another circle drawn. Each time one of these circles comes about in my life, I am brought closer to my own Mom, and I find another piece of who she is within me.

I have reached a level of knowing my Mom that might not have been possible had she still been alive. I am far more aware of these connections and revelations because they connect me to her, and allow me to feel her again. I wouldn't spend so much time looking for, or living in, such simple moments if she were here. I would still be taking it all for granted, thinking "there is plenty of time."

Don't wait. Don't wait for moments of desperation before you start paying attention and grabbing hold of the simple moments that can hold so much significance to you and to those around you.

Another year

2011-06-23T21:10:00.000-04:00

Hi everyone!

I hope you're all doing awesome!

I am going to post this a bit prematurely but the next couple days are full of chaos (and fun!), so I wanted to reflect now and after the fact.

June 25th is a date that holds huge significance in my life. It represents the day my Mom passed away - a day that will forever haunt me, and a day my world as I knew it was forever altered. That day is 2 days away and I can't help but be emotionally fragile during certain moments. Saturday will be 7 years since I have lived without my Mom's physical presence in my life.

7 years of not hearing her voice.
7 years of asking the universe to give me another moment with her.
7 years of wondering whether or not her spirit ever existed for at times it feels so far away.
7 years of stumbling my way through, alone.
7 years of wondering, yearning, struggling.
7 years of rebuilding everything that defines ME.
7 years of an open wound that will never heal.
7 years of needing someone with a desperation that at times drives me to the brink of insanity.
7 years.....and sometimes it feels like it's been mere weeks.

I try so hard to not let this date pummel me down again. It's a challenge. But I do reflect - on the time that has passed, on the years we had, and on who I have become from it all. I wonder what my Mom would think if she saw me now - I'm married, have a baby and another on the way, live in a new beautiful home. I was the first in my family to graduate university, all these accomplishments made after she was gone. I hope she is proud of me, not just for these things, but for who I am.

I also reflect on the present. Am I where I want to be in life? Do I have regrets? Are there "knowings" that are nagging at my spirit - changes I know I need to make but scare me? Am I fulfilled? Am I happy? Is there more I can do, more I can be? Am I following my heart, or letting logic lead? All these things are so important for me to valuate, for I truly believe that if you follow what you know to be true and right for you, your life will unfold and follow a path that will allow you to share your gifts with the world in a way that enriches your spirit. It's so important to me because my Mom died when she was 50 years old - it means everything to me to follow my dreams because I have no idea how much longer I have.

So I have been reflecting and there are many observations that I don't like, and I've known I don't like them, and I'm tired of hanging on for fear. The spirit of my Mom is a constant reminder and inspiration to follow what is right for me, and me only because at the end of the day, I am the only one who can live this life.

Saturday night I am hosting my second "Girls Night In" event through the Canadian Cancer society. I am expecting 32 women and 3 vendors. I am happy to raise money for the cause, last year we raised $1,500, and I hope to at least match that this year. But it's also so important to me to take the time to celebrate. We have all been affected by cancer in some way, it's easy to allow the word alone to instill fear in us and bring about anxiety, anger and fear. I want this night to revolve around the women themselves. This night is to celebrate the lives, courage, strength, beauty and spirit of the women we know who have had to live with the disease. We are honouring those who have lost the battle, as well as those who are living the battle, or who have come out a survivor. It's a night to reflect on what's really important in life. It's an opportunity to celebrate the mere fact that we are alive, and given the opportunity to be here.

I realize many (too many) of you have never met my Mom, and no words I write could ever convey the gentle spirit she always carried with her. But on June 25th I'm hoping that you too, can take a moment to reflect on your own life. Appreciate what you have. Let go of anger, resentment and insecurity. Live with the gratitude of what is life. Raise your drink and toast to those you know who have lived with this disease. And drink. To LIFE.

Much love,
Rachel

So tired

2011-06-09T21:19:00.002-04:00

Hi everyone,

It's been awhile hasn't it?

If you know me at all, you know how much I hate conflict. I hate arguing, I hate anger, I hate bickering, I hate yelling, I hate anything that disrupts harmony, and my tendency is to avoid anything that may result in this.

Today was a different story. I had a somewhat heated argument with someone at work, and while normally I am cool headed, I was ready to throw punches. And elbows. And dropkicks. I don't even want to get into the details of the debate, but the conversation began with "you're starting to get an extremist attitude and you're going to pass that on to your daughter." This was stated after a comment I made about substituting honey in my tea for white sugar. I've read and researched a lot about the affects of white sugar (white anything really) has on our body. I do eat processed foods, I'm not perfect, but I make efforts to find alternatives.

Regardless, any conversation that begins in a way to make me feel like my choices as a mother are being criticized, you know the result cannot possibly be a positive one. I immediately felt like I was being attacked and accused of being a bad Mommy. And the reason being because I make healthy food choices for my daughter (aka my life)? I could not wrap my head around this concept and the more I provided reasons for my choices, the angrier I got, and the more I realized my point wasn't being heard. Which is fine, it was just so energy draining for me.

Eventually the debacle ended, and I pulled up all my anxiety decreasing, yogic breathing techniques I could, to bring myself back down to my normally calm demeanor. And then, like other emotionally provoking occurrences in life, I reflected. Why was I so wound up? Why did I have so much invested into this stupid argument?

The answer is that I am tired. And I don't mean from this pregnancy, I am finally over that stage!

I am tired of subconsciously making decisions I think are most acceptable to others. People don't consider my opinion when they make their choices, do they?

I am tired of wondering what other people think of my parenting ability. My daughter is my world, and she knows it and always will. I am attentive, loving, and grateful for every second I have with her. Every single choice I make is with her in mind. I realized today that not everyone will agree with every decision I make and that's fine. I am a wonderful Mom, and if you have a negative word to speak in regards to the way I raise my child, keep it to yourself, it's none of my business.

I am tired of playing the role I think is expected of me. I have spent far too many years being guided by what other people want for me. This is my life, why is someone else dictating what it should look like?

I am tired of withholding my thoughts, ideas and feelings for fear of being told I am wrong.

I am tired of feeling inferior.

I am tired of playing the role of superwoman. I do not have boundless energy, 6 hands, 4 brains, and impermeable patience. Who the hell appointed me this role anyway?

I am tired of waiting for things in my life to happen.

I am tired of giving up passions because of something negative someone else says. To be honest, I quit writing on here partially because of negative feedback I got. Despite how healing writing is for me, and how passionate I am about it, I stopped because one person made 2 hurtful comments to me.

I learned a lot from this argument today, and it ended as a good experience. Lately I have been so overwhelmed with this "tired" feeling in life, I think I finally reached my breaking point today.

I need thicker skin.
And I need to stop giving a shit.
I need to start living this life - MY life, for ME. It isn't the responsibility of anyone else to mold me. It's time to figure out who I am, what I want and where I want to go, without the influence of anyone else, and without being tangled in the threads of others' beliefs and expectations.

Good bye to the mass marketed Superwoman.
Hello to a strong, independent woman with her own thoughts and beliefs. It's so good to finally see you.

So very lucky!

2011-05-24T19:02:00.000-04:00

Hi strangers,

I hope you are all doing awesome and are happy wherever you are.

It has been an interesting week (and it's only Tuesday!). Yesterday was my due date when I was pregnant back in October. I knew the day would come, I knew I would reflect, and I knew I needed to take some time to appreciate the short life of that baby.

I am a strong believer that life is inherently GOOD. There are lessons we can learn in any situation if we are willing to look for them. I also believe that out of the hardest of times comes the most beautiful journey. I know I have talked about that possibly to exhaustion, but I can't emphasize this enough. It has been during the most heart breaking circumstances that I have learned the most, grown the strongest, attracted the most wonderful people and been given the most refined vision to see beauty in everything else around me. This miscarriage was no exception.

I learned so much, and came to appreciate so much more from this grief. I didn't dwell on what could have been yesterday. I didn't sit down to cry, feeling sorry for myself. I didn't feel the absence of this baby's life (though any of those reactions would be completely acceptable and normal). Instead, I realized how lucky I am to go on to have another healthy pregnancy. I felt a new life wiggle away inside of me, and have appreciated this journey despite the fatigue, the nausea, the mood swings....I have taken it all in and accepted it all as part of this miraculous gift.

I took the day yesterday to appreciate, and to thank the life of bean #2 for leading the way for the life of bean #3 because I know when this baby comes, I will never be able to imagine my life without him.

And today we had our ultrasound to find out the gender of our baby, what a fabulous experience. The lady spent a good 15 minutes taking pictures and looking things over before speaking. Despite feeling the baby move, and hearing the heart beat on a regular basis, I still felt myself tense, wondering if something was wrong. When she finally spoke and asked if we had picked out names yet, I immediately relaxed and the waves of gratitude washed over me, and are still washing over me. Tack on another half hour, she was finally ready to call Jeff and Lily into the room. We saw the face, the spine, heart, stomach, 2 arms, 2 legs (which were flailing around wildly....I'm thinking this baby is going to be a bit more of a handful than Lily!). We looked at the legs last and she scanned around the tops of them and just pointed. Very quickly it was obvious what we were having - a little boy!!!! We saw a few more times and there really wasn't a question.

We are completely ecstatic for a little boy. It will be such a different experience than with our little girl and we are blessed to have the opportunity to raise one of each. I am so ridiculously excited and suddenly anxious to meet my little boy. How lucky are we??

I am so lucky to have the ability to carry healthy children. I am so lucky that I don't have issues getting pregnant. I am so lucky for so many things....too many to list. I have the life of our angel baby to thank for infinitely reminding me of this all. I will never ever forget how very lucky I am.

The Spirit of a child

2011-05-04T22:02:00.000-04:00

I have this thing for documentaries these days, and have been fascinated by the ones I have found on Netflix. Tonight in particular I watched one called "Born into Brothels," which doesn't require much of a description, the title speaks for itself.

An American woman lives in Calcutta temporarily and has been working with a handful of children who have grown up in the red light district, with their mothers being prostitutes. She has taught them photography, in an effort to provide them some hope for their future. They are exposed to violence, drugs, verbal abuse, and the daunting knowledge that their futures hold no hope. The girls will be sold, or put "in the line" for prostitution at an early age, without a say in the matter. The ones to put them there? Their own family.

During the taping of this film, one of the young boys (maybe 10?), deals with the passing of his mother who was burned to death by her pimp (which I'm sure he was witness to). What hope does he have? Without an education, the doors to his future remain closed. Without a reliable source of income, he has nowhere to go. He must stew in the pain of a horrific loss, without the ability to turn it into something positive.

Because of the drugs, the shame, the helplessness and the lack of self respect, these mothers treat their children very poorly, calling them all sorts of terrible names, telling their own flesh and blood that they are worthless, and unwanted. These mothers take away any opportunity for a future their child may have had throughout the production of this film.

Do you have a vision for how these children carry themselves? Do you picture rebellious, mean spirited kids? Do you envision scrawny children who look at the ground when they walk, shoulders slumped, shying away from the world?

In watching this documentary, it was the spirit of these kids that blew me away. They were laughing, joking, smiling. They played with excitement, and found joy from such simple things, like standing in the ocean. They loved deeply, and one of the boys said his wish would be to take the other girl out of that environment. He had no regard for his future, his only concern was to see this girl, his friend, have an optimistic road ahead full of hope and opportunity. After the one Mom called her daughter some nasty things, the daughter said she cared for her mother even though she wasn't nice at times - the love for her Mommy was still present.

I didn't see a single tear from any of these kids the entire film, yet I could have easily cried enough for all of them. They talked about wanting to be doctors or artists, but also were accepting of the fact that those types of freedom in their lives were non-existent. Their futures were determined for them, and not one I would wish on anyone.

Where do these kids find joy? They still maintained an innocence, they still had compassion and love. They didn't complain, just stated facts, as though their lives were of a stranger. Their eyes shone when they laughed. They remained composed when debilitating insults were hurtled their way from the person who was supposed to love them the most.

Where do they find hope?
Where do they find laughter in an environment surrounded by fear, heart ache and desperation?
How do they find the strength to live through such uninspired times?
How do they pick themselves up day after day when faced with so much loss?

I cannot answer these questions, but I would love to know, we could learn so much from these children.

Here we are, blessed with the privileges of a Western society, yet I find myself surrounded by self pity, pessimism, and an ability to complain about the most ridiculous things. Sometimes I get so tired of the mindset we live in. I can't stand to be around people who whine about everything. I despise when people say "why me" or "poor me" over something so insanely unimportant in the grand scheme of things.

We seem to have developed a sense of self righteousness that we feel unjust when things don't go our way.

We had to wait too long in line - in a line that ends in us walking out with bags of fresh food that will ensure we are never hungry.

We spent an extra 5 minutes searching for keys - keys to a vehicle which provides us the freedom of control in our own lives.

We had to endure an excessive wait in the ER - for a service that we can obtain for free, from doctors who are educated in what they do

We had to stay home from an event because our child was sick - a child that is a miracle, one that millions of mothers would give their right arm to experience but are unable to

Are you getting my point? I could go on and on with examples for they run rampant it seems, especially on social media sites such as Facebook. People feel the need to air their grievances and whine about every misfortune they came across that day. All I want to do is reach through their computer and shake them, or better yet, transport them to another country - Africa, India, Afghanistan, and let them catch a glimpse of how other people live and what they must face every single day they open their eyes in the morning.

If we all possessed the spirit those children possess, the world would be so full of life, hope and love. We need to stop being so self absorbed and get rid of our entitled attitudes. If a child can endure so much trauma and still come out confident, strong, compassionate and genuine, why can't we when we are so ridiculously privileged in our own lives????

Theirs is a spirit I strive for.

The beginning of life

2011-04-11T22:15:00.000-04:00

This is actually Lily, we never got a picture of the new bean

Hi guys!!

How are you all?

It's 9:30 here and for the first time in a VERY long time, I'm not ready to pack it in for the night. I came home from work and played baseball with Lily, did some art, cleaned up a bit, and cooked dinner. It's so nice to feel like a normal person again, my energy has been completely non existent for the past 14 weeks. I have been riddled with guilt for a few months now as I watch Lily run around playing, asking me to join her and at times I just couldn't. The exhaustion I have experienced this time around has been downright crippling.....my bones, muscles, and every cell in my body has been just plain old tired and not able to function properly.

I am starting to feel the weight lifting and I am so glad to feel like a productive member of life again, and to feel like I am back to being a decent Mommy to Lily.

Another milestone I experienced today trumps this renewed energy tenfold (believe it or not!). I was sitting at my desk at work this afternoon when a very familiar sensation crossed through my stomach. I stopped what I was doing and brought my hand up to my belly. I sat there somewhat dumbfounded, grinning like a fool as I recognized what had just happened - I finally felt the baby moving!

Lily asks me almost every day to listen to the baby's heart. She was with me at the last midwife appointment, and that was when we both heard the heart for the first time. She was mesmerized, and clearly the experience meant something to her. I have a doppler at home, thanks to a good friend who gave me hers, but I try not to listen more than once a week. I love hearing the rapid whoosh sound of our little bean, and the relief it brings me every single time.

Yet this flutter from the baby was even more reassuring to me, and I am so happy this day has come. Our baby is wiggling away in there, he or she is active, and....well....alive. Our baby is alive, his/her heart is beating away and he/she is able to move about in the space that I hope is comfortable and secure.

How amazing.

Nothing else matters. Life is all about these moments, the ones that we forget when in the midst of chaos. I have a living being who appears to be healthy, growing and thriving in an environment only I can provide.

In 6 short months I will be holding a new life, and he or she will in turn, be holding my spirit, and will continue to do so for eternity, even after I am gone from this earth.

The exhaustion doesn't matter.
The nausea no longer matters.
My teenage-like skin doesn't matter.
The war zone my house is currently replicating doesn't matter.

Instead, I have focused on embracing all these challenges that come with the pregnancy, because experiencing all this means that I have a life in me, and whatever I go through for this just isn't a big deal. I am glad for the days I feel like throwing up because that's confirmation that my body is adapting to another life in me.

It all comes back to this, doesn't it? The miracle of life and what an incredible, amazing, powerful gift it is.

Your life too, is a gift. You were once a little bean jumping around in the perfect world, growing and learning, bringing smiles to everyone's faces.
Your life is nothing short of a miracle.
You too, hold at least one other person's soul in your hand.
You too, are loved beyond comprehension.

Don't forget this amongst the insecurity, anger, resentment, confusion, fear, and helplessness that you will inevitably greet in this dysfunctional world we have created.

Don't ever forget that your life is a gift that you need to nurture, respect and appreciate. Are you treating it in such a way?

Nurture yourself. Appreciate who you are. Recognize the wonder that your mere presence in this world is. Treat yourself in a way you would want your child to be treated, and don't forget for one second that your mark is being left on this world in every word that you speak and every action that you take.

Much love,
Rachel

Follow up

2011-03-27T13:50:00.000-04:00

Hey everyone,

You know it's been awhile when it takes you 3 attempts to get your password right!

I hope you are all doing great
I wanted to follow up on my "Confession" post that I wrote back in November. I talked about the miscarriage I had, how devastated I was by it and the lack of support I experienced (from the community, not from you!).

Time heals and now almost five months have gone by. Through the help of friends, stories from other women, my family, and especially my daughter, I feel that part of my life was such a long time ago. I let the experience guide me and lead me to a better place within myself, and it reminded me how precious every moment of our lives are. It once again reinforced to me that we need to be grateful for everything we have when we have it, because everything in our lives are here for a limited amount of time.

The next phase of my life has begun, with a scarred, but open heart.

Thursday March 24 I partially re-lived my experience from October 30. I once again found myself lying on a bed, awaiting the ultrasound tech's news. My heart damn near beat out of my chest and I was gripped by anxiety. Until that point, I was calm and relaxed. The past 12 weeks I felt confident and content that this baby was okay. I hadn't realized how wrong the last pregnancy felt until this one. I had anticipated being a nervous wreck because of the miscarriage, but I was oddly at peace from the minute I found out I was pregnant again.

So there I lay, feeling like I was transported back in time, back in the same nightmare. The girl asked me if I was nervous because I'm sure I looked completely panic stricken. I said yes and briefly explained my last experience, which she seemed to already be aware of.

As soon as she put the wand on my stomach, I stopped breathing and tears formed at the corners of my eyes. Knowing how nervous I was, the lady immediately said to me (which I am so grateful for),

"there's a baby in there, and it has a heart beat."

I will never forget that moment, and I lost my composure before the last word was out of her mouth. It was absolutely one of the most memorable moments of my life and the gratitude and relief overwhelmed my senses. The next 15 minutes or so, this lady captured images, took measurements and did whatever she needed to do. I watched her and took in the constant smile plastered on her face. She laughed out loud a couple times because the baby was showing off his or her gymnastic moves.

She went to get Jeff and as soon as the door closed and the silence took over, my body shook and I just cried. My baby was okay this time. Oh my God, our baby is okay.

Jeff came in and he looked at me and I smiled, a simple smile that shouted "everything is okay!" The screen was turned our way and there was our miracle, what an amazing thing to see. He or she was jumping up and down and I laughed, with tears falling down the sides of my face. We saw the heart beat, we saw the legs, the arms, the hands, everything that makes a baby real - we saw. The lady was talking but I wasn't hearing much, I was just taking in the sight of our baby and I was completely smitten with this very active creature that I can't wait to hold. He or she is perfect already and I wanted to lay in that bed, keeping my eyes on the screen for the next 6 months.

I cannot begin to explain how deep my gratitude goes this time. I am beyond grateful that so far, everything is okay with our baby. I couldn't be more relieved and I am overwhelmed every time I think back to that ultrasound. Wow.

It was such an important day for me, and a few of the close friends I told beforehand messaged me to let me know they were thinking of me and that meant the world to me. I think part of a strong, respectful friendship includes noting the important moments and acknowledging them. Just to know that they remembered and took the time to let me know they were thinking of me, was so touching to me, and I'll never forget it. They understood the significance of this day and for this, they are people who hold a big piece of my heart.

It has been wonderful sharing the news with family and friends, and the joy everyone has for us is amazing. We have wanted to shout the news to the world from day 1 but have kept it close to our hearts and are now so ecstatic to let everyone in.

Our little bean is due October 9, and until he or she comes, I will enjoy every moment of sharing my space with him or her. I feel nauseous most of the day and am so insanely exhausted from noon on (hence the lack of posting on here - I don't have the energy to clean our house, never mind use my brain!). I am glad for how crappy I feel, it reminds me that I am pregnant and that everything is probably okay. I embrace the foggy cloud I have been existing in for almost 3 months now.

So on that note, I have been so excited to share the news with you all! Thank you so much for your constant support and love. Once I hit 15 weeks I'm sure I'll be functioning as a regular person again and will have the energy to write more. I have missed you! Until then, count your blessings and share your love!

XXOO Rachel

Happy Birthday to the most amazing woman I will ever know

2011-03-14T21:37:00.001-04:00

Hey guys,

How are you all?

I kept waking up all night long and had such a restless sleep. I was wondering what my problem was every time I glanced over at the clock to see it wasn't time to get up yet. Then it hit me shortly after waking up for good this morning - today is my Mom's birthday.

She should be 57 today.

It hit me really hard this year, harder than the past few years, and I'm not sure why that is. I brought Lily to daycare in tears, pulled myself together to drop her off and left again in tears. Halfway to work I turned on the radio (from Lily's Sesame Street cd) to the lyrics, "don't you cry tonight, there's a heaven above you baby" (from Guns N' Roses song Don't Cry). This has happened so often since my Mom died - lyrics from songs that seem to speak directly to me at moments I am desperate for comfort. I take these moments as whispers from my Mom, letting me know that she is still here, ready to give me advice whenever I need it. The times I ache inside the most are the times something blatantly obvious strikes me in way that cannot be ignored. That was the case today.

I worked today, which was probably a good thing. After work I stopped by the flower shop as I do every March 14th. I picked out a gorgeous bouquet that I know Mom would have loved. It was mostly purple, which was her favourite colour. There were daisies in it, which were her favourite flower. There was even a little butterfly in it. She once bought me a card with a wind up butterfly in it, so when I opened the card, it would "fly" out. To her, it represented me, and her constant desire to see me spread my wings and fly in this world. It was the perfect bouquet for her.

I refuse to bring flowers to the cemetery. Nobody can enjoy them there, and that is not where my Mom is. Instead, I give the flowers away to someone I think can appreciate them. Normally it's the old age home close by that I bring them to. Today I didn't feel that was the place I wanted to go. Instead, I decided to give them to Lily's daycare provider, Jodi. She's a wonderful woman, and while we don't talk much about our personal lives, I suspect she's going through a lot right now, and I don't think she gets much time to do things for herself.

So I awkwardly brought in a giant bouquet of flowers and sheepishly explained the meaning behind them, all the while fighting back tears that had been threatening to fall the entire day. She said the perfect thing to me. She said "I will think of your Mom every time I look at them." While I felt like a bit of an idiot giving them to her, I knew she was the perfect recipient for them and I know she will enjoy them as my Mom would have.

Jeff came home around 6 so we could go out for dinner to celebrate the day. I thought it might just be Lily and I for dinner, he is so busy this time of year. When I asked if he had time to come, he looked at me like I grew 8 heads, and said "of course." It means the world to me that he recognizes my need to celebrate Mom's birthday. He just gets it.

He surprised me even further by walking in the door with an amazingly beautiful bouquet of flowers:

I put them in a vase my Mom gave me when Jeff and I first moved in together, as a house warming gift:

Perfect. When we got home for dinner, our house smelled like fresh flowers, it was a fabulous greeting.

So, I want to wish my Mommy a very happy birthday. She used to love when I would sing to her on this day, and I long ago adapted the Simpson's version of Happy Birthday:

"Mommy it's your birthday. Happy Birthday Mommy!"

Lily and I went downstairs tonight and I brought out some pictures of my Mom. I talked to Lily about her, told her she was her Grandma, and that she loved her very much and wished she could meet her. Lily stopped playing with her sand box and listened very intently to what I said and looked at the pictures with interest. She said "Grandma" and I asked if she would like to say "Happy Birthday Grandma." She smiled and just squeaked out "happy." Yes Lily, I guess that sums it up doesn't it? That's all Grandma would want, is for me to be happy. It was a nice message. With tears streaming down my face, it hit me again that Lily and my Mom won't get the opportunity to meet. At least not in this lifetime or on this earth. And that hurts me so much more than I will ever be able to express.

There are things in this world without substance that have power over us because we allow them to. For me, that's today, and the date of Mom's death. Really all today is is another day right? It's March 14th, no big deal. Yet the entire day has threatened to break me down and crumble with each reminder. I have allowed this date to possess my spirit. It's one of few days I allow myself to really remember and reflect. Surprisingly, it hasn't gotten any easier over the years, but I owe it to my Mom to keep her spirit alive and to celebrate her birthday in small ways. Because this is what she would appreciate....and today is all about her.

XXOO

"Promise me you'll never forget me because if I thought you would, I'd never leave" ~ Winnie the Pooh