Recreating Memories

I can't believe it's almost December! Where do the days go? Well, I know where my days go - chasing around a rambunctious two year old and snuggling a super cute five week old. Is there a better way to spend my time? As Christmas is drawing near, I feel like my emotions are being pulled in two very different directions. On one hand I am ridiculously excited to watch it all through Lily's eyes. I can't wait to see her open her gifts and watch her relish in the magic of Santa. She's old enough now to understand most things, and there are so many ways I want to celebrate this holiday, I want it to last all year long! On the other spectrum, the holidays always bring about some degree of sadness for me for the obvious hole my Mom has left behind, which always seems more prominent this time of year. So last weekend I decided it was time to put our Christmas tree up. I put one up last year for the first time since my Mom died, and of course now it will be put up every year for our kids to enjoy. I put the Christmas music on t.v., and dragged the 10 foot tall monstrosity up from the basement (with Jeff's help!) I also brought up our huge bin full of ornaments - nothing matching or themed, but a bunch of random ones that have been collected over the years - aren't those the best ones? They have stories and trigger memories when we look at them. During Lily's nap I took each of them out of their box and lay them on the table so she could see them. I put the three pieces of the tree together and waited for her to get up to really let the fun begin. She eventually woke up and I was ecstatic to begin. The Christmas music was playing, I was dancing around singing, and guided Lily over to the table to see everything. What a wonderful experience this would be! Cue some Grinch tunes and a vision of the Griswald's living room - everything after this point just fell apart. Lily screamed and cried for me to turn the music off so she could watch t.v., the lights were tangled which took me forever to untangle, a set of lights wasn't working (after working when I started the process), Lily broke one of Jeff's ornaments, so I talked to her about being gentle, only to turn my back and have her smash a glass (of course) ornament on our table to pieces. She was angry for getting into trouble, and I was ready to rip my hair out. After cleaning up the water from the globe ornament and vacuuming up the mess, I got back to it, trying to redirect Lily into helping me hang ornaments. She said "no" and instead tried pulling them all off the tree. She was angry and kept telling me she didn't want the tree. Jeff was puttering around, then sat down to play with his iPad, and here I was, standing at the tree with tears in my eyes, full of anger, irritation, disappointment and sorrow. Grief. I missed my Mom. When she was here, decorating the tree was our thing, which is why it took me 5 years after her death to put a tree up again, it hurt me too much to do it alone. We would put on the Christmas music, sing and dance around, and took our time hanging the ornaments up. One year we did an angel tree, full of handmade ornaments we had made together. Another year we did a teddy bear tree, with bears of various sizes and colors that we had bought. We loved our tradition, and while I would roll my eyes at her choice of Bing Crosby, secretly I loved it all, every single detail. My mistake I realized after last weekend was in trying to recreate something that never can be recreated. I can't go back to those feelings I had with her, because nobody else has her spirit. I can't share those moments with my Mom, and nobody else will do the things she did or say the things she said. I expected this year to be the same it was with her and it wasn't. It wasn't anyone elses fault but my own. My expectations got the better of me and in the end I was an emotional, bitter, angry, miserable bitch all day. And instead of being a memorable experience, it sucked for all of us, and the whole thing made me really yearn for my Mom again. All in all, epic failure. I realize now how important this lesson was. Sometimes we need time and distance from a painful moment to see the value of it. I learned that we can't recreate what has already passed. We can't go back and feel the same emotions. I have friends in my life whom I have been friends with for a long time. At one time we were really close, but after time and differing experiences, I know I can't go back and recreate the same friendship that was once there. There are so many connections I can make for this lesson, but I will let you discover your own. Instead of trying to dredge the past into the present, I think it's about time to grasp the present to see what will unfold to be my new past.