Your 2012 theme

Happy New Year!

It's hard to believe 2011 is over already, it was a whirlwind!

I had lots of highlights in 2011, giving birth to Dexter in October tops the charts. Finding out in January that I was pregnant was also a high point, after having a miscarriage the previous October. I loved watching Lily grow into an independent, fierce little girl with a sweet nature and hilarious mind. In fact today, her little conversation went like this:

Lily - "Mommy I see your bum crack" (as she pokes her finger down my pants)
Lily - "Daddy, touch Mommy's bum crack!"
Daddy - "why?"
Lily - "she likes it!" Seriously, the fun around here never ends.

Also this year I raised $2,500 for cancer in June at the Fundraiser I do in honour of my Mom (with the much appreciated help of 30 amazing women!)

I'm such a resolution freak. I make new year resolutions, weekly resolutions, monthly resolutions, daily resolutions (not every day though). I don't like feeling stagnant. I don't like feeling unproductive. Goals and dreams keep me going, they give me something to strive for and keep me feeling useful. I thought that for the upcoming year I would like to not just make resolutions, but to adapt a theme for the year. I read in an Oxygen magazine a couple months ago the mantra "if you want it, prove it." and it was so powerful for me in terms of fitness. I have that saying on my vision board and anytime I don't feel like working out, I say it, and it powers me enough to get started. Why not adapt this to other areas of my life as well?

I have a softer personality. I tend to be quiet and hold in my thoughts. I tend to question myself and feel "not good enough." I wait for things. I am a planner and should probably act as much as I plan. I recently turned 31 and I am tired of waiting for things to happen. If I want something, I have to get out there and prove it to myself. In the past, my actions have reflected my hesitation. The final product reflects my belief - that I don't deserve it. I end up not getting what I say I really want, because a large part of me feels not worthy of whatever it is. I'm tired of this cycle. This year is one about getting what I want.

What else do I want?

- to be healthier and stronger than I ever have been
- to focus on my career more when my maternity leave is up
- to do more for other people in terms of fund raising and volunteering
- to stop wasting time - I can sleep a bit less, watch a bit less t.v. and manage my time more effectively which will give me more time to.....
- live with passion, doing things I am passionate about as much as I can such as....
- yoga! I want to expand my yoga practice - to do more and learn more
- do at least one thing to push me outside my comfort zone each month. An example of this is the Warrior Dash that Jeff and I will be doing in July (seriously, how fun does this look??)


And of course I also want to focus on being a good Mom to my kids and experiencing new things with them, enjoying every second I am able to be in their presence.

I feel that 2012 is a year of new beginnings, new passions, deepening friendships, new adventures, and a stronger sense of self.

If you could pick a theme for this year, what would it be?

Different is GOOD!

Hi guys!

We had an eye appointment this afternoon for Lily, who is two and a half. It was a follow up appointment as the optometrist suspected Lily was farsighted and wanted us to come in today for the dreaded drops so she could have a better look at her eyes. To make a long story short, Lily needs to wear glasses full time. She picked out a cute pink pair (really the only pair that would fit her tiny face) and she was smiling ear to ear, she thought they were pretty cool. I'm glad she likes them, though my immediate reaction upon hearing the news was sadness.

Everyone wants their child to be perfect, which is silly because the term "perfect" shouldn't even exist since it's something based on social expectations and characteristics which are objective and ever changing. Regardless, I don't want anything to ever be "wrong" with our children and to know that her sight isn't so good, well, it upsets me. And as my husband Jeff pointed out, we don't want any extra challenges for our child, and definitely not something that will make her stand out and possibly be a target for teasing from other children. That got me thinking.

One of my biggest fears with Lily growing up is being bullied. I've read the stories about young kids committing suicide after being bullied for a period of time. I encountered some bullies in my younger years too and it doesn't take long before the taunting takes a toll on your sense of self worth, and every day functioning. I don't ever want my child to question her value in this world based on nonsense that comes out of someone elses mouth. The thought alone just hurts my heart.

Lily will be different as I have seen very few children her age wearing glasses. I don't want her to be different. I don't want other kids to look at her funny, or ask her why she has glasses on. I don't want her question why she's different or start to be self conscious of her difference. I asked the doctor if correcting a child's vision at such an early age means that her vision will get better as she ages....turns out that's not the case, the chances are she will wear some sort of corrective device the rest of her life.

I've had a couple hours to process the information and have reached a couple conclusions.

1. There are so many terrible things we could be dealing with right now when it comes to Lily's health. Having eyes that don't function perfectly really isn't a huge deal. She has her health and for that, I am truly grateful. It really is about perspective and I am glad I am not having to face worse news.

2. This difference is actually a wonderful opportunity for us to teach Lily valuable life lessons. Being different isn't a bad thing, in fact, it's a great thing. I don't know why I forget that at times and certainly don't want Lily to WANT to be the same as everyone else. We can teach her how to appreciate not just her own differences, but the differences in other people as well. We can teach her about tolerance and treating others equally regardless of what stands them apart from others. We can teach her how to deal with negativity (assuming this happens at some point) or how to handle teasing (again, assuming this happens). I think if done correctly and in a positive manner, she can learn a lot from this. And as it turns out, so can I. Clearly I have a lot more to learn from this experience than she does.

I know for me, I have grown the most and developed the most strength during difficult times. The opportunity for learning and growth occurs when a challenge is faced and I think we have been given a gift to now talk to Lily and take advantage of this to teach her and guide her. I guess that's parenting in a nutshell isn't it?

If you have any suggestions for books on differences, I would love to hear them. I know of Chrysanthemum (such a cute one!), but if you have any others in mind, please let me know!

Success

Hi everyone,

Things over here are busy. Dexter has been sleeping less during the day already, and when he does, he sleeps for short periods of time. He no longer likes being downstairs while I work out, and tonight my shower was about 3 minutes long. I was a bit miserable last night as I only got in a very short interval workout, my tea got cold before I could drink it, I had to get out of my nice hot bath early to tend to my screaming toddler... and so on. I chose to be a Mom, I know that at times (often!) I come last, and while I wouldn't have it any other way, sometimes I would love to be on my own schedule or to be able to do things without interruption.

I hate working out at night, absolutely hate it. Lily finally gets settled around 9:00 these days (bed time is such a nightmare right now), and I typically go to bed at 10:00. I don't want to spend that hour working out, I want to spend it sipping my herbal tea and watching mindless television while scouring the internet for random stuff. I've been trying hard to figure out a way I can work out the amount I want to during a time that works for everyone. I was feeling defeated and assuming I'd just have to cut out some days from my workouts. Then my mantra passed through my head "if you want it, prove it." I want it.

I ordered a dip bar, which came in today, very excited about that. I tried it out and decided I'm going to love it. It's a staple in a lot of the Body Rock workouts, which are 10-20 minutes in length typically, so that's an option I'm going to take advantage of when I know my time is limited. I get out Monday nights for hot yoga and my mother in law has been watching Dexter Friday afternoons so I can get to boot camp. I'm going to write out a schedule each week for specific times I can either get to the gym or work out downstairs. Jeff started the P90X program a few months ago, which I do a lot of as well. The bonus is that our basement now has a lot of useful equipment in it - pull up bars, push up bars, stability ball, resistance bands, and lots of weights.

Part of being successful is in setting up your environment to align with your wants. I want to be active and to shape my body so I am trying to set my life up right now to coincide with that desire. If I am surrounded by opportunities to work out and spend time with people who want the same thing, I am more likely to succeed. How can you set your life up in a way that promotes success?

I set up a Facebook page to discuss clean eating and fitness. I don't think this blog is the best place for that, this blog is for something else, though I'm not sure what! It's for life lessons I guess. My advice, tidbits of inspiration, and random musings on things important to me.

So if you'd like to come visit me there, it's under "Rachel's Fitness and Clean Eating Journey." I weigh in tomorrow and take my second set of progress photos. Perhaps I'll be brave enough to post week 1 and week 4. I must admit, week 1 was pretty frightening!

I'm off to bed now, I have a little man who is bugging me to go! Good night and good luck in all that you do!

Making a change

Hi guys!

I read an article this morning about an eight year old child who has a disease called NF which more or less means his body inevitably grows tumors on a regular basis. The article was written by his Mom, and the central theme seemed to be the changes that were made in their lives as a result of his diagnosis. She briefly talks about the new raw diet they have adapted, and other changes in their nutrition.

This morning I was looking through some things and came across a notebook my Mom kept to write quotes in. At the end of the quotes, she has four pages containing supplement information. The first page looks like this:

Tues. June 1
1200 Vit. C
99 Potassium
1 tablet Gymnema
10,000 Vit. A
1,000 Vit. D
1,000 Betaine
2 tablespoons Calcium
Banana
----------------------------
cottage cheese
1,200 Vit. C
99 Potassium
1 tablet Gymnema
10,000 Vit. A
1,000 Vit. D
1,000 Betaine
2 tablespoons Calcium
1,000 B12


This was written 24 days before she passed away. She only had 2 days worth of entries, but as you can see, they are extensive. June 1st continues on the next page. This makes me wonder two things:

Why did her entries stop? I don't think she received official diagnosis that she had cancer until about June 11th. Maybe she received the diagnosis and then gave up hope?

It also makes me think that she consulted someone to improve her health and this is the regiment she was given. That means she wanted to fight. She wanted to be healthier and to feel better. She wanted to live.

For the little boy in the article, his family waited for a devastating diagnosis before changing their lifestyle for the better. For my Mom, it was a little too late to make the changes necessary to not only be healthy, but to live.

So I ask you this: why wait before taking care of YOU? We like to walk around thinking we're untouchable from disease and death. We look at the statistics and think our chances of dodging a terminal illness are pretty good.

Our bodies are the vehicles which carry us through this life. We fuel our bodies with crap and expect them to somehow function efficiently. We get sick or gain weight and look for the quick fix because we're too lazy to put in the effort needed to change long term. I am tired of hearing people complain about their various ailments - fatigue, aches, excess weight - while feeding themselves sugar, processed crap, nothing that their bodies can use for any purpose.

I'm tired of hearing "I wish..." or "I'm jealous of.." or "I want..." - if you want something badly enough, you can achieve it. If you admire something about someone else, you too, can obtain the same quality, you just have to work for it. If you have a dream, surround yourself with that vision and align the rest of your life accordingly to ensure you get there.

It all starts with a single step. What are you no longer willing to tolerate in your life when it comes to health? What is one small step you can take NOW to better your health? Maybe it's incorporating a "no meat Monday" or drinking more water, cutting back on processed foods, drinking one less pop a week, remembering to take your multivitamin. Where can you improve?

I'll admit, I've gone full tilt. It's been three weeks of making drastic changes and I can honestly say I feel amazing, and this is my validation that what I'm doing is working for ME. My body has given me positive feedback and I will continue along with these changes, and looking for others I can incorporate into my life. Here are some of the things I have changed:

- I drink more water, and actually start my day with a big glass of water with fresh squeezed lemon juice
- I eat nothing white - no white pasta, white sugar, white bread
- I eat nothing processed - no more granola bars, no cookies, no crackers - UNLESS the nutritional label is good, which usually is not the case
- I don't drink pop
- I eat every 2 1/2 to 3 hours to keep up my metabolism
- I add fiber to my breakfast every morning
- I combine complex carbs with protein every time I eat (snacks too)
- I eat GREEN veggies every single day, usually twice a day
- I limit the amount of carbs I get from grains
- I eat healthy fat every day, usually 1-2 servings


I still have a lot to learn when it comes to nutrition and what my body requires on a daily basis, but I'm happy with the changes I have made so far. I'm not saying I'm going to follow these changes 100% of the time, though I have so far. Maybe I'll have a pop again, but for now I am trying to listen to my body and appreciate it for the strength and health it gives me back when I feed it wholesome, nutritious foods.

What are you willing to change right now? I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Recreating Memories

I can't believe it's almost December! Where do the days go? Well, I know where my days go - chasing around a rambunctious two year old and snuggling a super cute five week old. Is there a better way to spend my time? As Christmas is drawing near, I feel like my emotions are being pulled in two very different directions. On one hand I am ridiculously excited to watch it all through Lily's eyes. I can't wait to see her open her gifts and watch her relish in the magic of Santa. She's old enough now to understand most things, and there are so many ways I want to celebrate this holiday, I want it to last all year long! On the other spectrum, the holidays always bring about some degree of sadness for me for the obvious hole my Mom has left behind, which always seems more prominent this time of year. So last weekend I decided it was time to put our Christmas tree up. I put one up last year for the first time since my Mom died, and of course now it will be put up every year for our kids to enjoy. I put the Christmas music on t.v., and dragged the 10 foot tall monstrosity up from the basement (with Jeff's help!) I also brought up our huge bin full of ornaments - nothing matching or themed, but a bunch of random ones that have been collected over the years - aren't those the best ones? They have stories and trigger memories when we look at them. During Lily's nap I took each of them out of their box and lay them on the table so she could see them. I put the three pieces of the tree together and waited for her to get up to really let the fun begin. She eventually woke up and I was ecstatic to begin. The Christmas music was playing, I was dancing around singing, and guided Lily over to the table to see everything. What a wonderful experience this would be! Cue some Grinch tunes and a vision of the Griswald's living room - everything after this point just fell apart. Lily screamed and cried for me to turn the music off so she could watch t.v., the lights were tangled which took me forever to untangle, a set of lights wasn't working (after working when I started the process), Lily broke one of Jeff's ornaments, so I talked to her about being gentle, only to turn my back and have her smash a glass (of course) ornament on our table to pieces. She was angry for getting into trouble, and I was ready to rip my hair out. After cleaning up the water from the globe ornament and vacuuming up the mess, I got back to it, trying to redirect Lily into helping me hang ornaments. She said "no" and instead tried pulling them all off the tree. She was angry and kept telling me she didn't want the tree. Jeff was puttering around, then sat down to play with his iPad, and here I was, standing at the tree with tears in my eyes, full of anger, irritation, disappointment and sorrow. Grief. I missed my Mom. When she was here, decorating the tree was our thing, which is why it took me 5 years after her death to put a tree up again, it hurt me too much to do it alone. We would put on the Christmas music, sing and dance around, and took our time hanging the ornaments up. One year we did an angel tree, full of handmade ornaments we had made together. Another year we did a teddy bear tree, with bears of various sizes and colors that we had bought. We loved our tradition, and while I would roll my eyes at her choice of Bing Crosby, secretly I loved it all, every single detail. My mistake I realized after last weekend was in trying to recreate something that never can be recreated. I can't go back to those feelings I had with her, because nobody else has her spirit. I can't share those moments with my Mom, and nobody else will do the things she did or say the things she said. I expected this year to be the same it was with her and it wasn't. It wasn't anyone elses fault but my own. My expectations got the better of me and in the end I was an emotional, bitter, angry, miserable bitch all day. And instead of being a memorable experience, it sucked for all of us, and the whole thing made me really yearn for my Mom again. All in all, epic failure. I realize now how important this lesson was. Sometimes we need time and distance from a painful moment to see the value of it. I learned that we can't recreate what has already passed. We can't go back and feel the same emotions. I have friends in my life whom I have been friends with for a long time. At one time we were really close, but after time and differing experiences, I know I can't go back and recreate the same friendship that was once there. There are so many connections I can make for this lesson, but I will let you discover your own. Instead of trying to dredge the past into the present, I think it's about time to grasp the present to see what will unfold to be my new past.

On the road to healthy

I found out June 2004 that my Mom had cancer. She had been "sick" since January of that year, but for five months, doctors had been telling her she had pneumonia. Somehow, in a place deep inside myself, I knew the truth. I remember saying to Jeff that I thought it was lung cancer and if it was, I would kill myself.

I had two weeks to process the news. Two weeks to research survival rates of stage 4 lung cancer. I had two weeks to wonder how the hell I would get through another day. Two weeks later was my Mom's first chemotherapy session during which she passed away. Two weeks isn't a lot of time to get your head wrapped around the notion that your best friend in life was going to lose a battle that she never stood the chance against from the beginning. It wasn't enough time for me. No amount of time would have ever been enough.

After her death we requested an autopsy, though the reason behind that is vague in my mind now. I think we were searching for someone to blame, something specific to hate.

I never saw the results of the autopsy but they were relayed to me. Just about every organ, every cell of my Mom's body was smothered in cancer. How could she not have known? How could I have just spent that past Christmas with her and not had an inkling that she was so sick? It snuck up on her, on us, and took her from us before I realized she was dying, before I even understood that she was sick. When I was told she passed away, all I could say was "but she wasn't even sick. She wasn't sick. I don't understand, she wasn't sick." The image of my Mom was of a healthy, happy woman, not of someone who was sick. Her spirit didn't portray a dying woman, it portrayed strength and courage.

My Mom never worked out, she drank for many years, she smoked. Oh, on a side note, if anyone you know is diagnosed or passes away from lung cancer, don't ever ask if they smoked, it's completely irrelevant and certainly doesn't make the disease okay. I hated that question.

My Mom spent many years neglecting her health. She didn't pay much attention to nutrition and abused the vehicle of her life as so many of us do to some degree. I'm sure she never assumed she would get sick. She probably didn't consider the consequences or her actions (or lack of actions), or if she did, didn't think they applied to her. Does this sound familiar? I don't blame my Mom for what happened, I'm not angry or resentful. I wish she would have taken better care of her not just so she would have more years, but so the years that she DID have were happy ones with vibrant health.

Instead, I am 30 years old and haven't seen my Mom in almost 7 years. My kids will never know her, how shitty is that?

Today Lily and I turned on some Christmas music in the car and a song came on that I instinctively said "my Mommy loved this song." I feel Lily should have a sense of my Mom even though she won't truly ever know her, so I provide her with little tidbits of who my Mom was. Lily asked where my Mom was, to which I truthfully replied "my Mommy died." How do you explain that concept to an innocent child? I then went on to say "my Mommy died, which means I can't see her or touch her but she is everywhere, and I talk to her all the time and I think she listens to me." Maybe the explanation sufficed for her, or maybe she heard my voice starting to crack, but she dropped it after adding in "your Mommy liked this song." How I appreciate her intuitive nature.

So what's my point? I have 2 kids now. Two little people whom I love with ever fiber of my soul. I look into their eyes and vow to myself to do all I can to ensure I am here for them as long as possible. I will teach them how to care for themselves through health, love, compassion and confidence. I need to be here for them so they never question if there is something they could have done differently to give me more time. I see their smiles and want to see them for many days, many years to come. I don't want to miss out on their graduations, weddings, children.....because I know how void going through those things without a Mommy can feel.

My motivation for eating clean, and working out every day rests in those two teeny tiny creatures who individually have the strength to lift me above self doubt, and who, together, have the strength to carry me through the rest of my years.

To health.

If you want it, prove it

How many times have you desired something but just knew you couldn't achieve it? How many times have you heard someone say "I want that job" or "I wish I had that body" or "I would love to travel?" We are constantly putting our wants or wishes out into the universe, but how often do we actually work to realize those desires?

Why is it human nature to want something without the belief that we can achieve it?
Or maybe we just can't be bothered putting in the effort to see results?

You want to know what I desire right now?

I want my body to be strong. Not skinny, but strong. I want muscles that would put some men to shame. I want to do a pull up. I want to do more than 3 push ups. I want to work out in a sports bra. I want my body to carry me through illness & fatigue. I want my body to ward off serious disease. I want the rest of my years to be in good shape and good health so I have the energy to spend being playful with my children.

I was reading through last month's Oxygen magazine and came across an article about mantras and the power they have through tough workouts. I have always had mantras and believe in their ability to change thinking. So one I came across in the article resonated with me and I now use it when I'm not feeling strong in my workouts, and it's "If you want it, prove it." Love it.

I'll share my vision board with you when it's done, but for now, here are other sources of inspiration for me:

What do you want right now and where do you find inspiration to motivate you?