Hi guys!
So I am now only days away from my first bikini competition and my emotions are all over the place! I go from excited, to nervous, to giddy to horrified. I can't believe the day is just about here, after the months of training, the hours of research and the daily workout routine beginning at 4:20 every morning. It is here, and I couldn't be more ready. Well, I probably could be. I have had many obstacles and challenges along the way, some that have prevented me from achieving the body I could have achieved. But I will still be standing on stage, donning a tiny suit, proud of what I have accomplished, overcome and discovered.
In my last post I talked about how that moment on stage will be a turning point for me, the start of the real me. It is only recently that I have come to see that I have already turned into that person, the stage will just be my final reveal. The journey I have had the past 5 months or so has been an incredible, life changing one. I have stepped outside my comfort zone, met some amazing people, and found a healthy way to appreciate the skin I am in.
I have already come so far in the months I have been training for this competition. Yes, my body has changed. My arms are defined, my legs have lost the cellulite, my glutes have been raised and shaped, my body fat % has dropped considerably and the scale shows numbers I haven't seen since I was a kid. But I find the biggest changes have all happened where nobody else can witness.
I have met so many like-minded people along this journey who I have come to admire. Building relationships with new people is something I always avoided, but I have managed to do so...happily I might add. I have gone to events without knowing a single person (like the posing classes), walked in there with my head held high, feeling confident and approaching complete strangers to initiate a conversation. I can't say that is something I would have been capable of a year ago, or at least not without a debilitating amount of anxiety. Yes, the anxiety has been there to a certain degree. This past 5 months I have learned to quiet it so that it isn't able to gain the momentum to take over. I have kept my eye on the prize and focused so much that I never allowed the anxiety to become greater than my dreams. This has never happened before. Anxiety has always won, and the consequence of that has been my learning to shrink in life. I had become okay with being mediocre. I have feared success and accomplishment. If I did something great, people's expectations of me would be high, which meant I would have to live up to those expectations, and I wasn't sure I could do so. Because I was not good enough.
Or so, that was my thinking for so long. This journey has been so eye opening, I have learned so much about who I am and what holds me back. Recognition is one of the first steps of transformation, and I am grateful to have achieved that through this training. I have held back so much of who I am out of fear - fear of just not being good enough, or being deserving enough. Everyone keeps telling me otherwise, but it has only been through pushing myself so hard and so long through this training that I have come to see it for myself.
I am good enough, in fact, I am MORE than enough
I can, and WILL succeed in whatever I do...if I really want to
If I have the desire, I have the ability
My body will only do what my mind allows it to do. Expand my mind and my body will (gladly) follow
I am so much more than I will probably ever realize
Fears need to be faced if I want to grow as a person (and I will be okay!)
I learn about myself more though the struggles than the triumphs - that is where true growth comes from
If I want it, I need to work for it. Not just today, but every single day, and it WILL come!
This past 5 months have not been easy. I have had to face so many fears, so many doubts, and I have struggled daily with not knowing whether or not I could do this. I watched my body changed, which seemed like such a slow process, and I remember saying over and over "I just don't want to be on stage looking like I don't belong." I have had to come to terms with the fact that I DO belong, and I WILL look ready. Sometimes it's harder to admit success than admit failure. Sometimes it's easier to live with the mentality that we aren't meant to do great things. It's so much more comfortable living in the shadows. It has been a huge transformation for me in realizing that I am DONE living a half-life. I am so ready to soar.
The physical part of it has also been hard. Getting up at 4:20 at least 5 days a week, trudging into my basement, and lifting weights, usually followed by cardio. Every day I would do it alone, in the quiet of the morning, before anyone (in their right mind) was up. There were times I didn't get to bed until really late, or had been up in the night with 1 of my 2 kids. But I still got up, still got through my workout, despite what was happening around me. There were times my body didn't want to cooperate, times I just didn't have an ounce of energy to get up and get down there. I soon learned the difference between my body needing a break and my fear creeping in. I was having a bad week once, and in the middle of a set of bench presses, I turned around, laid on the bench and sobbed. Then I turned around, picked up the weights and got back to it. After a few minutes on the eliptical another day, I just didn't want to do it anymore, I was miserable, just wanted to curl up on the couch feeling sorry for myself. But that was my fear. I stayed on the eliptical and let the tears fall there instead. There were times I let fear take over, and would head to the cupboard and stuffed my face with everything I could find. I ate uncontrollably, then was angry the next day. In trying to figure out what was wrong with me, I realized that success was too close, and I was feeling in a panic. But I will not fail at this. I have come too far, have surpassed so much.
So friends, this journey has been a crazy one, full of joy and fear and sadness. It has been one of the greatest, most fulfilling journeys I have ever encountered and while at times I have been absolutely miserable because of it, I am so very grateful. Grateful for what I have learned. Grateful for my body's strength. Grateful for the lessons, and definitely grateful for the support that you all have shown me. There were times someone's words of encouragement have lifted me just enough to get in another workout, or to avoid rummaging through the cupboards. So, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Saturday, April 6, 2013
Why a bikini competition?
So as of today I am 5 weeks out from my first bikini competition and one of the most common questions I get is WHY!? People think I'm crazy and I feel crazy when I can't come up with a simple, easy answer for them.
First, let me bring you back to a post I wrote last year about anxiety. Basically, I suffered from social anxiety for years and it got so bad that I had trouble leaving the house for simplest reason, in fact, a trip to WalMart was my breaking point, when I realized I needed help.
I have spent years, maybe even my entire life, hiding. I avoided situations that would involve people paying attention to me. I would know the answer in class but wouldn't raise my hand because everyone would look at me. We would make plans with friends and I would panic so much that I would end up canceling, or sitting in a corner quiet the entire time. The thought of people looking at me, talking to me, or focusing on me was too much for me to deal with. I would panic, I had trouble breathing, I felt like the world was closing in on me and I wanted to dig a hole I could crawl into and stay there alone. Safe. My anxiety seemed to grow as the years went on and any time I had to leave the house for anything, I spent the majority of the time giving myself a pep talk and trying to reason with myself, convincing myself I needed to get errands done. I started cutting those trips short, and at times just not bothering. Every time I backed out of plans, the relief was huge. Looking back, I realize that each of those waves of relief were solidifying that anxiety and growing it.
If I had a conversation with anyone, I would start to sweat, my face would turn red, my heart would be beating out of control, and the dread would overtake me. I just wanted to be invisible. I didn't want people to talk to me or pay attention to me. If I was in a store and saw someone I knew, I would go out of my way to avoid them, to avoid being seen.
The peak of it all was in 2007, which really isn't that long ago. There in the middle of a WalMart parking lot, in my car I sat. I was terrified and overwhelmed. I could not get out of my car. I felt out of control and needed to get back home. I got the door open and it felt like a wave of terror hitting me. I could not do it. It was that moment I realized how serious things had gotten, and I recognized that my life was not a life. I was not living. I was existing. A few minutes went by and I had visions of being housebound. I didn't want to be one of those people who didn't leave their house for years. It was stupid, those people were crazy, I had always thought so. Yet there I was, on the very same path. I was 26 years old, and so much of my life had been wasted in the grips of this condition that made no sense to me. I got out of my car, raced into the store with my head down, and raced out just as fast. But I did it. I went home and emailed a therapist who specialized in anxiety. And I got help.
I will never be cured. I have a tendency to shy away from others, though most days I do pretty good, I can actually get through the majority of my days feeling minimal, if any, anxiety at all. There are times I hit a slump and find myself shrinking inside again. But I can now recognize the anxiety for what it is, and I now have tools I can use to get past it.
A bikini competition is the ultimate "screw you" to my anxiety. It will no longer control me. It can no longer hold me back from living my life. I am required to be on stage in a skimpy bikini, in front of potentially hundreds of people, with judges analyzing every curve on my body. I will stand there alone, bright lights enveloping me, and everyone in the room will be watching me. Everyone.
I feel like that moment will be the moment I can be free. I have come leaps and bounds the past couple years, but that moment center stage will be the end of who I used to be and will be the start of the real me.
I was not meant to live a half assed life. I was not meant to fade in the shadows. I was not meant to hide in the corner. I deserve more and I am more. I am so ready to live my life and the past 5 months of hard work are all leading up to the moment that I leave behind my anxiety and say hello to the world. It's a moment I have dreamed of for so long, one I never in my wildest dreams could have imagined happening. But it will. 5 weeks from now, and I cannot freaking wait to see what this world is all about!
First, let me bring you back to a post I wrote last year about anxiety. Basically, I suffered from social anxiety for years and it got so bad that I had trouble leaving the house for simplest reason, in fact, a trip to WalMart was my breaking point, when I realized I needed help.
I have spent years, maybe even my entire life, hiding. I avoided situations that would involve people paying attention to me. I would know the answer in class but wouldn't raise my hand because everyone would look at me. We would make plans with friends and I would panic so much that I would end up canceling, or sitting in a corner quiet the entire time. The thought of people looking at me, talking to me, or focusing on me was too much for me to deal with. I would panic, I had trouble breathing, I felt like the world was closing in on me and I wanted to dig a hole I could crawl into and stay there alone. Safe. My anxiety seemed to grow as the years went on and any time I had to leave the house for anything, I spent the majority of the time giving myself a pep talk and trying to reason with myself, convincing myself I needed to get errands done. I started cutting those trips short, and at times just not bothering. Every time I backed out of plans, the relief was huge. Looking back, I realize that each of those waves of relief were solidifying that anxiety and growing it.
If I had a conversation with anyone, I would start to sweat, my face would turn red, my heart would be beating out of control, and the dread would overtake me. I just wanted to be invisible. I didn't want people to talk to me or pay attention to me. If I was in a store and saw someone I knew, I would go out of my way to avoid them, to avoid being seen.
The peak of it all was in 2007, which really isn't that long ago. There in the middle of a WalMart parking lot, in my car I sat. I was terrified and overwhelmed. I could not get out of my car. I felt out of control and needed to get back home. I got the door open and it felt like a wave of terror hitting me. I could not do it. It was that moment I realized how serious things had gotten, and I recognized that my life was not a life. I was not living. I was existing. A few minutes went by and I had visions of being housebound. I didn't want to be one of those people who didn't leave their house for years. It was stupid, those people were crazy, I had always thought so. Yet there I was, on the very same path. I was 26 years old, and so much of my life had been wasted in the grips of this condition that made no sense to me. I got out of my car, raced into the store with my head down, and raced out just as fast. But I did it. I went home and emailed a therapist who specialized in anxiety. And I got help.
I will never be cured. I have a tendency to shy away from others, though most days I do pretty good, I can actually get through the majority of my days feeling minimal, if any, anxiety at all. There are times I hit a slump and find myself shrinking inside again. But I can now recognize the anxiety for what it is, and I now have tools I can use to get past it.
A bikini competition is the ultimate "screw you" to my anxiety. It will no longer control me. It can no longer hold me back from living my life. I am required to be on stage in a skimpy bikini, in front of potentially hundreds of people, with judges analyzing every curve on my body. I will stand there alone, bright lights enveloping me, and everyone in the room will be watching me. Everyone.
I feel like that moment will be the moment I can be free. I have come leaps and bounds the past couple years, but that moment center stage will be the end of who I used to be and will be the start of the real me.
I was not meant to live a half assed life. I was not meant to fade in the shadows. I was not meant to hide in the corner. I deserve more and I am more. I am so ready to live my life and the past 5 months of hard work are all leading up to the moment that I leave behind my anxiety and say hello to the world. It's a moment I have dreamed of for so long, one I never in my wildest dreams could have imagined happening. But it will. 5 weeks from now, and I cannot freaking wait to see what this world is all about!
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
I can and I will
Hey guys!
So I had my first workout with my trainer on Monday and what can I say...I'm still recovering! I broke out into a sweat about 5 reps in during the first exercise, and shortly after that (in an exasperated tone) I said "I thought I was strong!"
Our focus was on back and biceps and she really put me to the test. Being so far out from competition, our goal is for me to build muscle, and I was certain my biceps were going to grow bigger than my head after just that one workout! I'm not used to working out with machines, I haven't done so in probably 3 years, so the feeling took some getting used to, as did the very heavy weights she had me doing. It was great and I really learned what it meant to push. I pushed through the pain, the discomfort and the voice that kept trying to say "I can't do this...." I proved to it that I could.
I remember when I was in labour with D, right at the end during my whopping 8 minutes of pushing, my midwife was a bit concerned and told me to push, which I was already doing. She then told me I needed to push harder, but I was already pushing with all my might. Between tears and fatigue, the words started to come out of my mouth, "I ca...." and I stopped myself before saying "I can't." I got angry with myself and turned those words into "just do it!" And I did, and I was successful.
As soon as we tell ourselves we can't do something, it's game over. If your mind believes you can't, your body will follow suit. I didn't think I could pump out any more reps on Monday when my arms were wobbly and weak, but I found a way to get not just one more, but three more done. I told myself I could and I would, and that's what happened.
My next workout with her is tomorrow afternoon and I cannot WAIT to see what my legs can do. This morning I had to get some blood work done and across from me in the waiting room sat a man who, I assume, had Parkinson's. Whatever it was, he twitched uncontrollably. I watched his hand start moving, slowly at first then it would pick up momentum, waving about wildly. He would grab it with his other hand and tuck it against his body where it would stay still for a few seconds before starting up again. Over and over. His hand would shake, his arms, his legs, his face....my heart hurt for him. I wanted to go over and take his hand and hold it for him. I wanted to quiet his body so he could rest. I wondered how he slept at night, I wondered if his flailing parts drove him crazy. I wonder if it made him self conscious in a room full of people. He moved slowly, though he didn't look very old. His body was failing him, completely out of his control, there was nothing he could do about it. I felt so much compassion toward this man.
People like him inspire me and motivate me. Here I have a healthy, strong body and for that I am so very grateful. How lucky am I to get out of bed, hop around, run outside, lift heavy weights, move however I want.....One day my body will grow old and tired too. It won't be able to do the things I want it to do, won't move as fast, or be able to lift as much as I'd like it to. So for now, I will nurture, appreciate, love and use my body to show appreciation for the ability to discover all that I am capable of - because there are so many people out there who would do anything to be where I am and I cannot...will not, take that for granted.
So I had my first workout with my trainer on Monday and what can I say...I'm still recovering! I broke out into a sweat about 5 reps in during the first exercise, and shortly after that (in an exasperated tone) I said "I thought I was strong!"
Our focus was on back and biceps and she really put me to the test. Being so far out from competition, our goal is for me to build muscle, and I was certain my biceps were going to grow bigger than my head after just that one workout! I'm not used to working out with machines, I haven't done so in probably 3 years, so the feeling took some getting used to, as did the very heavy weights she had me doing. It was great and I really learned what it meant to push. I pushed through the pain, the discomfort and the voice that kept trying to say "I can't do this...." I proved to it that I could.
I remember when I was in labour with D, right at the end during my whopping 8 minutes of pushing, my midwife was a bit concerned and told me to push, which I was already doing. She then told me I needed to push harder, but I was already pushing with all my might. Between tears and fatigue, the words started to come out of my mouth, "I ca...." and I stopped myself before saying "I can't." I got angry with myself and turned those words into "just do it!" And I did, and I was successful.
As soon as we tell ourselves we can't do something, it's game over. If your mind believes you can't, your body will follow suit. I didn't think I could pump out any more reps on Monday when my arms were wobbly and weak, but I found a way to get not just one more, but three more done. I told myself I could and I would, and that's what happened.
My next workout with her is tomorrow afternoon and I cannot WAIT to see what my legs can do. This morning I had to get some blood work done and across from me in the waiting room sat a man who, I assume, had Parkinson's. Whatever it was, he twitched uncontrollably. I watched his hand start moving, slowly at first then it would pick up momentum, waving about wildly. He would grab it with his other hand and tuck it against his body where it would stay still for a few seconds before starting up again. Over and over. His hand would shake, his arms, his legs, his face....my heart hurt for him. I wanted to go over and take his hand and hold it for him. I wanted to quiet his body so he could rest. I wondered how he slept at night, I wondered if his flailing parts drove him crazy. I wonder if it made him self conscious in a room full of people. He moved slowly, though he didn't look very old. His body was failing him, completely out of his control, there was nothing he could do about it. I felt so much compassion toward this man.
People like him inspire me and motivate me. Here I have a healthy, strong body and for that I am so very grateful. How lucky am I to get out of bed, hop around, run outside, lift heavy weights, move however I want.....One day my body will grow old and tired too. It won't be able to do the things I want it to do, won't move as fast, or be able to lift as much as I'd like it to. So for now, I will nurture, appreciate, love and use my body to show appreciation for the ability to discover all that I am capable of - because there are so many people out there who would do anything to be where I am and I cannot...will not, take that for granted.
Saturday, November 10, 2012
26 weeks out!
So I'm 26 weeks out from my first competition. If that sounds like a long time, it feels too soon for me! I feel like I need all the time I can get, and I keep thinking "crap, another week has gone by!"
I started prepping 2 weeks ago but the prep I'm doing isn't too intense yet. I began with just cleaning up my diet. Luckily I have spent the past 3 years dabbling in clean eating and really getting a feel for what my body is happy with. I put more effort into planning my meals and cutting out all the grazing and unnecessary snacking that I often do. Honestly I didn't realize how many additional calories I was consuming until I had to start paying attention. When my kids finished their meals I would clean their plates. As soon as the kids went down for their nap or for the night I would come downstairs and open the cupboard. How else would you celebrate silence and "me" time with a good snack?
So I have cut that out and it has been HARD! Especially now, at night, when I LOVE munching on food. Sugar free gum (thank you Juicy Fruit!) and herbal tea have been my crutches. Don't think I'm depriving myself though, I'm rarely hungry, it's just become such a habit to nibble.
I'm making sure to not miss any meals. We spent the day in the States today and I brought all my food with me. No excuse for reaching for bad food, or skipping meals. This next week I'm going to continue working on eating clean (except for my 1 cheat meal a week, woo hoo!!), and increasing my water intake. I SUCK at drinking anything, I could easily get by drinking 2 glasses of water a day, so going from that to between 1-2 gallons is a huge undertaking for me, I find it so hard to do, but it's necessary. I also want to log everything I'm eating to see where I could make more improvements.
My coach isn't too stressed about anything yet, she keeps telling me I have lots of time. I already feel like I'm in a panic. I really just don't want to be that person on stage that everyone is looking at thinking "why is she here?"
As for working out, I am weight training 6 days a week and cardio 3 times a week, though I'm going to increase that this week to 4 days. Still up by 4:30 to start my workout, in bed at 9:30 to start again the next day. I can already see many sacrifices I'll be making and hopefully those around me are able to adapt!
This past 2 weeks I have lost 3 pounds which I wasn't expecting. I didn't think I had weight to lose but apparently I did. I have also dropped about 1% body fat. I have no idea what my goal should be body fat wise we'll just see what my body decides to do.
I will be posting photos in the next couple weeks, once I have some sort of progress photo. I'm considering posting videos too - not sure what you guys are most interested in hearing/learning about, so please let me know!
Thank you for following my journey - I do updates daily on my Facebook Page: Closer to You!!
I started prepping 2 weeks ago but the prep I'm doing isn't too intense yet. I began with just cleaning up my diet. Luckily I have spent the past 3 years dabbling in clean eating and really getting a feel for what my body is happy with. I put more effort into planning my meals and cutting out all the grazing and unnecessary snacking that I often do. Honestly I didn't realize how many additional calories I was consuming until I had to start paying attention. When my kids finished their meals I would clean their plates. As soon as the kids went down for their nap or for the night I would come downstairs and open the cupboard. How else would you celebrate silence and "me" time with a good snack?
So I have cut that out and it has been HARD! Especially now, at night, when I LOVE munching on food. Sugar free gum (thank you Juicy Fruit!) and herbal tea have been my crutches. Don't think I'm depriving myself though, I'm rarely hungry, it's just become such a habit to nibble.
I'm making sure to not miss any meals. We spent the day in the States today and I brought all my food with me. No excuse for reaching for bad food, or skipping meals. This next week I'm going to continue working on eating clean (except for my 1 cheat meal a week, woo hoo!!), and increasing my water intake. I SUCK at drinking anything, I could easily get by drinking 2 glasses of water a day, so going from that to between 1-2 gallons is a huge undertaking for me, I find it so hard to do, but it's necessary. I also want to log everything I'm eating to see where I could make more improvements.
My coach isn't too stressed about anything yet, she keeps telling me I have lots of time. I already feel like I'm in a panic. I really just don't want to be that person on stage that everyone is looking at thinking "why is she here?"
As for working out, I am weight training 6 days a week and cardio 3 times a week, though I'm going to increase that this week to 4 days. Still up by 4:30 to start my workout, in bed at 9:30 to start again the next day. I can already see many sacrifices I'll be making and hopefully those around me are able to adapt!
This past 2 weeks I have lost 3 pounds which I wasn't expecting. I didn't think I had weight to lose but apparently I did. I have also dropped about 1% body fat. I have no idea what my goal should be body fat wise we'll just see what my body decides to do.
I will be posting photos in the next couple weeks, once I have some sort of progress photo. I'm considering posting videos too - not sure what you guys are most interested in hearing/learning about, so please let me know!
Thank you for following my journey - I do updates daily on my Facebook Page: Closer to You!!
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
A New Journey
Hi strangers!
Hope you are all healthy & happy wherever you are!
It has been so long since I've written, I feel like I don't know where to begin.
First I wanted to revisit a couple older posts. Shortly after D was born last October, I was motivated and determined to be healthy and STRONG. Strong became my new ideal. Remember I posted this.
I have spent the past year working toward healthy. I started focusing on weight training and would get up early to get my workout in. D's sleeping habits weren't regular for a long time, so in the beginning he would join me. I remember once doing squats and lunges in the basement while holding him to my chest. I have never been so driven in my life. I was tired of being mediocre, tired of failing, tired of existing rather than living. I owed it to my children to be more. I need to show them what goal setting and dreaming looked liked. So the goal setting began.
When D was 2 weeks old, I started P90X and fell in love very quickly. I still have the recording sheets from that first workout. I could complete 2 "normal" pushups and then 3 "girl" pushups. I could curl 7.5 pounds and beside it had written "ouch!" My first goal was small, do 10 pushups (I'm now up to about 25). I quickly managed to do that with the strength I was building. My next goal was loftier, to do a chin up. The first time I tried I couldn't move a millimeter. 5 months later I finally did my first chin up, I was ridiculously excited! I set more goals and pushed more limits. I ran a personal best for 5K (23:01). I did the Warrior Dash, did the extreme Tough Mudder and even ran a half marathon, with another personal best (2:01:30). I had never been so empowered by my body and I have nourished it and appreciated it this past year for all that it has allowed me to do. It is capable of so much more than I have ever imagined it to be and I am grateful for the opportunities to discover this.
Let's go back to another post. Do you remember this one when I revealed my struggles with anxiety? My breaking point was in a WalMart parking lot when I almost couldn't get out of my car I was so frozen with anxiety. It was crippling at times for me. I couldn't handle being around people, couldn't handle any ounce of attention thrown my way. There were times I canceled plans with friends because the thought of putting myself out there unraveled me and I just couldn't do it. Being the center of attention pretty much was my biggest nightmare, one that I would avoid at all costs. While I feel I have come a LONG way from those days, I still have moments.
The past year I have surrounded myself with motivation. The background of my computer is this Jamie Eason picture:
I joined Pinterest and made a folder entitled "Motivation" and filled it with inspirational quotes or pictures. I started "liking" more fitness pages on Facebook and began to connect with people of like mind. I have researched nutrition and workouts. I read blogs about fitness, ordered books on Amazon....I aligned my environment with my desire though I hadn't realized it at the time. After my half marathon a few weeks ago, I made a final decision. I felt like hell that whole run but I ran a great (for me) time and I was proud. Again, affirmation that I am capable of whatever I put my mind to. After pondering this for many months, I reminded myself that I needed to push my limits, live outside my box, set my goals high and face fear straight in the face. No regrets, no limits. It was then that I committed myself to a brand new goal, and told a couple people about it. I knew once it was announced to everyone else, there would be no turning back. So here I am, holding myself accountable to YOU all, and this is my 100% commitment and dedication to ME
In May I am going to compete in a figure/bikini competition! I don't want you to picture petite blond teenagers hopping around in a bikini. These competitions are for athletes who work their tails off to get in shape. It's about building muscle, being strong and defined. Wait, let this picture of Jamie Baird speak for itself: (keep in mind that she's a pro, I will NOT be looking like this....not yet anyway!)
It's about precise nutrition with precise macro counting and balance. It's about a clean diet 100% of the time (minus the 1 cheat meal a week I have planned). It's about skipping meals out with friends, giving up night eating, learning what works best for your body to build. It's about getting up early to get a good workout in (I'm getting up at 4:15 these days). There is so much dedication and commitment to this sport and that's what draws me in. When I think about the fact that I have to be on stage (in a skimpy bikini nonetheles), I could probably panic to a crippling degree. But, I am ready to do this. I am ready to prove to myself that I will be okay while facing my biggest fear. I am ready to thank my body and bring it to yet another level. Because I can. I am the girl who would never let my husband look at me if I didn't have clothes on. I would cover up my backside if he did look. I have spent so many years despising my body and covering it up out of shame. I am so ready to embrace the beauty and strength of my body and to show my children the power of dreaming big.
I want to document my journey and hope you all will join me. I think I'll update my "Closer to Me" Facebook page rather than my personal page, so if you want to read about my struggles & triumphs or see progress pictures, please find me over there!
As always, your support is so appreciated! Now tell me, what goals do you have that will put you out of your comfort zone?
xxoo Rachel
Hope you are all healthy & happy wherever you are!
It has been so long since I've written, I feel like I don't know where to begin.
First I wanted to revisit a couple older posts. Shortly after D was born last October, I was motivated and determined to be healthy and STRONG. Strong became my new ideal. Remember I posted this.
I have spent the past year working toward healthy. I started focusing on weight training and would get up early to get my workout in. D's sleeping habits weren't regular for a long time, so in the beginning he would join me. I remember once doing squats and lunges in the basement while holding him to my chest. I have never been so driven in my life. I was tired of being mediocre, tired of failing, tired of existing rather than living. I owed it to my children to be more. I need to show them what goal setting and dreaming looked liked. So the goal setting began.
When D was 2 weeks old, I started P90X and fell in love very quickly. I still have the recording sheets from that first workout. I could complete 2 "normal" pushups and then 3 "girl" pushups. I could curl 7.5 pounds and beside it had written "ouch!" My first goal was small, do 10 pushups (I'm now up to about 25). I quickly managed to do that with the strength I was building. My next goal was loftier, to do a chin up. The first time I tried I couldn't move a millimeter. 5 months later I finally did my first chin up, I was ridiculously excited! I set more goals and pushed more limits. I ran a personal best for 5K (23:01). I did the Warrior Dash, did the extreme Tough Mudder and even ran a half marathon, with another personal best (2:01:30). I had never been so empowered by my body and I have nourished it and appreciated it this past year for all that it has allowed me to do. It is capable of so much more than I have ever imagined it to be and I am grateful for the opportunities to discover this.
Let's go back to another post. Do you remember this one when I revealed my struggles with anxiety? My breaking point was in a WalMart parking lot when I almost couldn't get out of my car I was so frozen with anxiety. It was crippling at times for me. I couldn't handle being around people, couldn't handle any ounce of attention thrown my way. There were times I canceled plans with friends because the thought of putting myself out there unraveled me and I just couldn't do it. Being the center of attention pretty much was my biggest nightmare, one that I would avoid at all costs. While I feel I have come a LONG way from those days, I still have moments.
The past year I have surrounded myself with motivation. The background of my computer is this Jamie Eason picture:
I joined Pinterest and made a folder entitled "Motivation" and filled it with inspirational quotes or pictures. I started "liking" more fitness pages on Facebook and began to connect with people of like mind. I have researched nutrition and workouts. I read blogs about fitness, ordered books on Amazon....I aligned my environment with my desire though I hadn't realized it at the time. After my half marathon a few weeks ago, I made a final decision. I felt like hell that whole run but I ran a great (for me) time and I was proud. Again, affirmation that I am capable of whatever I put my mind to. After pondering this for many months, I reminded myself that I needed to push my limits, live outside my box, set my goals high and face fear straight in the face. No regrets, no limits. It was then that I committed myself to a brand new goal, and told a couple people about it. I knew once it was announced to everyone else, there would be no turning back. So here I am, holding myself accountable to YOU all, and this is my 100% commitment and dedication to ME
In May I am going to compete in a figure/bikini competition! I don't want you to picture petite blond teenagers hopping around in a bikini. These competitions are for athletes who work their tails off to get in shape. It's about building muscle, being strong and defined. Wait, let this picture of Jamie Baird speak for itself: (keep in mind that she's a pro, I will NOT be looking like this....not yet anyway!)
It's about precise nutrition with precise macro counting and balance. It's about a clean diet 100% of the time (minus the 1 cheat meal a week I have planned). It's about skipping meals out with friends, giving up night eating, learning what works best for your body to build. It's about getting up early to get a good workout in (I'm getting up at 4:15 these days). There is so much dedication and commitment to this sport and that's what draws me in. When I think about the fact that I have to be on stage (in a skimpy bikini nonetheles), I could probably panic to a crippling degree. But, I am ready to do this. I am ready to prove to myself that I will be okay while facing my biggest fear. I am ready to thank my body and bring it to yet another level. Because I can. I am the girl who would never let my husband look at me if I didn't have clothes on. I would cover up my backside if he did look. I have spent so many years despising my body and covering it up out of shame. I am so ready to embrace the beauty and strength of my body and to show my children the power of dreaming big.
I want to document my journey and hope you all will join me. I think I'll update my "Closer to Me" Facebook page rather than my personal page, so if you want to read about my struggles & triumphs or see progress pictures, please find me over there!
As always, your support is so appreciated! Now tell me, what goals do you have that will put you out of your comfort zone?
xxoo Rachel
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Powerful conversation with my 3 year old
Sometimes I swear I gain the most insight, the greatest perspective from my (just) 3 year old daughter. Tonight she caught me off guard and left me a heaping mess.
She has had a fever the last couple days, which scares me. I hate fevers and it got pretty high this evening, so I was already feeling vulnerable and helpless, not knowing how to help and wishing her better so I can stop worrying and know that she will be okay.
I read her a book at bedtime and was about to give her a hug and kiss goodnight when she said "I want to snuggle please." How can you turn down that offer? So we snuggled, she played with my ring, we chatted and I rubbed her face. She turned around to face me, put her arms around my neck, looked into my eyes and said "tell me a story about your Mom." She has done this on occasion, she likes to hear the funny stories, like how my Mom used to wear fake nails and was always losing them (like the night we made pizza and after putting them in the oven she realized her nail was missing....)
So I told her a story and she wanted another. And another. And another. She likes the funny ones but I told her a couple that would give her an idea of what my Mom was like. She paused and here's how the rest of the conversation went:
L - I wish I could be a Mommy like you
M - You can be one day if you want to
L - But I don't know how to be a Mommy
M - Sometimes I don't know how to be one either
L - Tell me about how your Mommy died
M - she was very sick and didn't take care of her body to stay healthy so she died
L - Tell me about her dying
M - I wasn't there when she died, so I don't know much, she was living far away
L - Grandpa Rick married your Mommy
M - Yes, Grandpa Rick was there when she died but I wasn't
At this point tears were streaming down my cheeks
L - You were sad the day she died
M - It was the saddest day of my life
L - And you're still sad.
M (I nodded my head, unable to really speak by this point)
L - It's okay, you won't be sad when you see her again, she won't die anymore
How do you recover from that conversation? How amazingly wise, insightful and in tune with the world she is. She amazes me every single day, just like my Mom did.
She has had a fever the last couple days, which scares me. I hate fevers and it got pretty high this evening, so I was already feeling vulnerable and helpless, not knowing how to help and wishing her better so I can stop worrying and know that she will be okay.
I read her a book at bedtime and was about to give her a hug and kiss goodnight when she said "I want to snuggle please." How can you turn down that offer? So we snuggled, she played with my ring, we chatted and I rubbed her face. She turned around to face me, put her arms around my neck, looked into my eyes and said "tell me a story about your Mom." She has done this on occasion, she likes to hear the funny stories, like how my Mom used to wear fake nails and was always losing them (like the night we made pizza and after putting them in the oven she realized her nail was missing....)
So I told her a story and she wanted another. And another. And another. She likes the funny ones but I told her a couple that would give her an idea of what my Mom was like. She paused and here's how the rest of the conversation went:
L - I wish I could be a Mommy like you
M - You can be one day if you want to
L - But I don't know how to be a Mommy
M - Sometimes I don't know how to be one either
L - Tell me about how your Mommy died
M - she was very sick and didn't take care of her body to stay healthy so she died
L - Tell me about her dying
M - I wasn't there when she died, so I don't know much, she was living far away
L - Grandpa Rick married your Mommy
M - Yes, Grandpa Rick was there when she died but I wasn't
At this point tears were streaming down my cheeks
L - You were sad the day she died
M - It was the saddest day of my life
L - And you're still sad.
M (I nodded my head, unable to really speak by this point)
L - It's okay, you won't be sad when you see her again, she won't die anymore
How do you recover from that conversation? How amazingly wise, insightful and in tune with the world she is. She amazes me every single day, just like my Mom did.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Lessons from my Son
I am completely head over heels with my son. He is the sweetest little man, and lights up my world with his cute little face and dazzling personality. I had forgotten how much fun this age is. Everything excites D, from the sight of his sister, to playing "ball" with Mommy, to waking up to a brand new day. If everyone could live with the joy and passion a baby lives with, we would be so much better off.
He is so happy all the time and especially loves playing with balls, knocking over towers and seeing his sister. He crawls around the entire house now and most recently figured out how to pull himself to a stand. He's not even 9 months old but he exemplifies so many traits that I deeply want to have for myself, and he really reinforces what is important in life:
1. The word "no" isn't a deterrent to him, it ignites his efforts. Stubborn? Nah....I say determined. Think of all the times other people have tried to stop us from doing something, tried to get in the way of us and our goal, told us "no" - you can't do that, you shouldn't do that, you mustn't do that. Imagine we had the will of a 9 month old, and looked at that person behind us with a smile on our face, heading toward what we want, confident that we will not held back by other people's ideas of what constitutes acceptable?
2. When D wants to do something, he tries and tries with all his effort. If he can't do it, he moves on and tries again later, and continues trying until eventually he does it. I loved watching him try to crawl, try to pull himself up to the table. The challenge doesn't deter him, it focuses him. He isn't afraid, he doesn't believe in failure. He only knows that he wants something and will practice and practice until he masters it. How often have you quit something because it required more effort than you were willing to put in? How often have you talked yourself out of something because maybe you just couldn't do it? Babies don't have that negative self talk, "don't" or "can't" don't exist to them, those are terms they learn from us and a world that believes in too many limits
3. D appreciates absolutely everything. He is ecstatic for a new day, thrilled to see the face of someone he loves, and giggles over just about everything. How can a little baby understand how blessed we are in every way but we can't even appreciate something like our own health? Life excites him, not an expensive toy I just bought for him, not the size of our house....life...just being...and we should all be so aware of all the beautiful, wondrous things surrounding us
4. D loves with all his being. He especially loves his Mommy (swoon). He smiles and giggles, gives big wet sloppy kisses, snuggles in close when he wants some comfort, catches my eye from across the room and grins a toothy little grin that would melt any heart. He clenches his fist and his little body trembles with excitement. If only we could all love with such passion and purity
5. D is content, no matter where he is or what he is doing, as long as his basic needs are met. I could sit him in his playroom alone to play and he is happy, though he will crawl out to come find me if I'm gone too long. As long as his belly is full and he has had enough sleep, he is a happy little creature. He doesn't need much to fulfill him, he is already content and satisfied. How many times have you been feeling down and tried filling that void with a shopping spree? How many drinks have you drank in a night in an attempt to feel happy again? How busy and noisy do you make your life because you're afraid of being with you? Joy and peace are inside of us, we just have to be still enough to find them, and know that we are right where we need to be. And we are okay.
I tell you, this little guy has taught me more than I ever could have imagined. He inspires me every single day and I am so beyond elated to have the reminders he continually sends me about what is important in life, and about who I am meant to be
He is so happy all the time and especially loves playing with balls, knocking over towers and seeing his sister. He crawls around the entire house now and most recently figured out how to pull himself to a stand. He's not even 9 months old but he exemplifies so many traits that I deeply want to have for myself, and he really reinforces what is important in life:
1. The word "no" isn't a deterrent to him, it ignites his efforts. Stubborn? Nah....I say determined. Think of all the times other people have tried to stop us from doing something, tried to get in the way of us and our goal, told us "no" - you can't do that, you shouldn't do that, you mustn't do that. Imagine we had the will of a 9 month old, and looked at that person behind us with a smile on our face, heading toward what we want, confident that we will not held back by other people's ideas of what constitutes acceptable?
2. When D wants to do something, he tries and tries with all his effort. If he can't do it, he moves on and tries again later, and continues trying until eventually he does it. I loved watching him try to crawl, try to pull himself up to the table. The challenge doesn't deter him, it focuses him. He isn't afraid, he doesn't believe in failure. He only knows that he wants something and will practice and practice until he masters it. How often have you quit something because it required more effort than you were willing to put in? How often have you talked yourself out of something because maybe you just couldn't do it? Babies don't have that negative self talk, "don't" or "can't" don't exist to them, those are terms they learn from us and a world that believes in too many limits
3. D appreciates absolutely everything. He is ecstatic for a new day, thrilled to see the face of someone he loves, and giggles over just about everything. How can a little baby understand how blessed we are in every way but we can't even appreciate something like our own health? Life excites him, not an expensive toy I just bought for him, not the size of our house....life...just being...and we should all be so aware of all the beautiful, wondrous things surrounding us
4. D loves with all his being. He especially loves his Mommy (swoon). He smiles and giggles, gives big wet sloppy kisses, snuggles in close when he wants some comfort, catches my eye from across the room and grins a toothy little grin that would melt any heart. He clenches his fist and his little body trembles with excitement. If only we could all love with such passion and purity
5. D is content, no matter where he is or what he is doing, as long as his basic needs are met. I could sit him in his playroom alone to play and he is happy, though he will crawl out to come find me if I'm gone too long. As long as his belly is full and he has had enough sleep, he is a happy little creature. He doesn't need much to fulfill him, he is already content and satisfied. How many times have you been feeling down and tried filling that void with a shopping spree? How many drinks have you drank in a night in an attempt to feel happy again? How busy and noisy do you make your life because you're afraid of being with you? Joy and peace are inside of us, we just have to be still enough to find them, and know that we are right where we need to be. And we are okay.
I tell you, this little guy has taught me more than I ever could have imagined. He inspires me every single day and I am so beyond elated to have the reminders he continually sends me about what is important in life, and about who I am meant to be
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